Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
One said, "If you want to go, go."
So then I went and just so I was knocked out of my bad mood and I saw old friends and met new ones and I laughed and it was exactly what I needed to feel good on a suburban winter night.
Another said in reaction to my slightly sheepish response to the question, "What do you do?" "Ah, so you like to take care of people. The world would be a better place if there were more people like you."
Prior to that statement and especially among the company of artists and archaeologists I answer that question with a little offense and a shrug of my shoulders. Through an endearing stranger I better understood myself. Do I love art? Yes, and sometimes I create it. Am I a lover of knowledge and solver of puzzles? Oh yes. Do I love my job? Most days. So why then should my body slightly recoil at the question? Oh, I'm just a nanny and I am just going to school to be a nurse.
Just a nanny? Just a nurse?
Checked. It's not as glitzy sounding as rocking a gallery opening or dusting off exotic rocks, but he's right, I like to take care of people. I am The Last Unicorn and I like to take care of people and I'm better at it than I am at most things. Is the mathematician shy about the fact that she is adept at the language of numbers? No! Does the fashion designer wear his own clothes? Of course. I'm proud of my skills and I love what I do and that was the last time I'll ever answer that question with anything less than enthusiasm.
The fundamentals of life are deceptively simple. If you want to go, go. If you want something get it. Because you won't be "going or getting" if you never try. Slowly, but surely I'm getting better at this in my life. For me, it all boils down to overcoming one form of fear or another.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 07, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Monday, November 02, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I think they saw me struggling with some of the activities and laughing at myself and knew they were in good company. It was really weird at first though, really. Minority by age.
Ahh, the adventures of suburban life. I hope one of them invites me over for dinner or bridge some day. ha ha.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
If he hadn't included the public option I would have been pissed, and it was really smart how he downplayed how popular the puboption is going to be. Well played Barack though I'm not so thrilled about mandatory healthcare fines (like car insurance). That's no bueno.
He is the best pragmatist that America has ever seen though.
P.S. The republicans made a rebuttal in the "Strom Thurmond" room. No joke.
EDIT: Immediately after the speech and rebuttal a commercial for PAC group "Patients United Now" came on. Shona, a Canadian woman had a brain tumor that needed to be operated on. According to her Canada was going to make her wait six months to get the operation, and in six months she, "would be dead." Thank goodness she had the money to fly to America and pay for and recieve "world class care." (which costs thousands of dollars)
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Very happy and very sad are quite accurate ways to describe how I'm feeling at this moment.
Think of me while I'm in the air.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Last Unicorn is Quitting but for Once She doesn't Feel Like a Quitter
The Last Unicorn, born of the Perez Unicorns, after many years of intent, finally moved herself to South Korea to teach English. Upon her arrival all the familiar sights sounds, and smells of the place she once called home resurfaced, and many new ones. She made friends, she ate weird food, and yes, she missed everything back home. Eventually she started her job as a teacher at SLP Songpa Language Institute. Within days she knew that she had made a mistake in coming here, and that the work and life that lay before her, no matter how exotic, would not be fulfilling. She followed her guts (which tend to be right, save for directional purposes) and notified the school of her intent to leave. She would stay until they found a replacement.
Seoul, South Korea – September 2nd 2009 – Who?, What?, When?, Why?, and Where? The Last Unicorn finished her last day of class as her final days in the country wind down. Why leave such a beautiful place with a more than modest salary? On the heels of heart break and the celebration of a quarter century of life, The Last Unicorn spent a great deal of time this summer thinking about what's really important and what she would plan to do with her life. She thought about how grateful she was for her friends and family that care very deeply for her and make her life quite dynamic. She thought about how easy it has been to coast through life thus far as a white middle class American Midwesterner. She thought about how random it was that she was that instead of a member of an indigenous tribe in Mexico struggling for survival amidst government and technological encroachment. The Last Unicorn was very lucky. She was loved, cared for, and comfortable. As the wheels in her mind began to turn she thought more and more about the meaning of her life and how she wanted to make a living and to what ends.
She came to the conclusion that whatever job she took it would be a job that helped people. She wanted to say thank you, and since she isn't a religious woman, this is the only way she knew how. Yes, "to help people" was broad, but discounted a great many jobs. Including the one she just started. As the month wore on, The Last Unicorn grew to love her little English learners. There were bad days and there were good days, as their certainly are with six year olds, but all in all she had a stellar bunch of kooky kids. But the Last Unicorn could not ignore the dread that rose in the pit of her stomach every morning as she walked to school. She enjoyed the kids but she didn't enjoy making them learn an imperialist language that would give them a better edge in the job market. They were full of energy, stories, and creativity. She felt guilty yelling at them for silly things like making too much noise or wiggling too much in their chair. So with much thought and pain she decided to come back home leaving behind a dream three years in the making and at least five years of financial stability. There was a time and place for her to come back to the ROK, but it had passed and she had not realized until now. Does she regret her decision to come or leave? No. The Last Unicorn has learned so much more about herself than she ever could have imagined. She has a greater understanding of herself, what she does not want to do, and the experience of living completely on her own. She also made a few life long friends in the process. The Last Unicorn is not leaving because she is home sick or culture shocked. While she might be feeling both of those things mildly, she surely expected it. No, this decision was made upon her (sometimes a pain in the ass) idealism.
What is next for the Last Unicorn? She'll go back to her old job as a nanny and go back to school to become a nurse so she can eventually work for the Doctors Without Borders program and hopefully help a few people in the process. The Last Unicorn is sad to leave this place and all her new friends but she will never forget her experience and is excited to touch very familiar faces and hug very familiar bodies.
The Last Unicorn is excited to start yet another chapter of her enchanted life. Stay tuned it might be fun.
For More Information:
For more information about teaching English in South Korea please contact John Morgan at Morgan Recruiting, the best darn recruiters in all of EFL. They have helped tremendously in my process of arriving and leaving South Korea. For further information on life, love, and quarter life crisis please contact me as I will be really bored being back in the suburbs of the Midwest and will be in need of some adventure and/or pep talks. I like to play cards and scrabble too.
The Last Unicorn
Elmhurst / IL / 60126 United States of America
Phone: We'll see when I get back into the country.
I knew my PR degree would come in handy one day.
Today was my last day of class. I brought in cake and we did a word search that was titled "Goodbye Teacher."
My students made me cards here are a few excerpts:
(written next to a rocket blasting off)
"Teacher was funny and I will Miss Her."
- Min Seo
(written below an airplane covered in flowers)
"Jessica Teacher Don't go until I finsh SLP. Jessica Teacher Don't be Nurse! Just stay in SLP!!!!"
- In Gi
(From my most challenging student)
I'm sorry I am bad. I am good for Jessica Teacher, not New Teacher. I will Cry. Please don't GO!"
- Yeon Jae
(below a picture of a sweet demon looking thing)
Bye Jessica Teacher. You teach me so good. You are help me so well. I love you. I will always remember. Never Forget.
- Hyun Woo
Some of these made me laugh and I did shed a tear or two, eventually I'll scan a few in (it's worth it). Teaching this age of kids is really interesting and it's very easy to get attached to the kids. I'm going to miss them all a lot as well, but I'm pretty glad I don't have to yell at them for being kids anymore.
I'm going to enjoy my last few days here. The next time I write in this thing it will probably be back in the states. Hoping for a smooth flight.
Many more adventures to come.
P.S. Thanks Seoul, I've had so much fun this past month or so! Pictures eventually.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Today I conquered Mt. Yongmasan. It was exhausting and exhilarating. I wish Illinois had more mountains ...
It had been awhile since I literally felt like I was going to die laughing. I highly recommend it. Good for the soul.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Speaking of my students.
I've made exactly three of my students cry (it's not as bad as it sounds they are like five) all of them being boys. I feel like a manchild-eater.
Today was a particularly heart wrenching example.
RY is a very active day dreamer. Today we were doing a super simple exercise and he fell way behind (like always), not because he's not bright by any means but because he was singing to himself and playing with his pencil instead of copying what was on the board. You know what came next ... my heart cringed a little as I reprimanded him for falling so behind. After giving him a stern face and letting him know that he really needed to pay attention I walked away to check the other student's worksheet.
Five or so minutes later he had only written two letters and was back to daydreaming. After another (more) stern reprimand I stood over him to make sure he finished at least the sentence as he fell further behind. I was feeling crappy because I was a big day dreamer in all levels of school and didn't like the tone I took with him, because after all he WAS holding the class up.
As I stood by him I saw the fear and possibly embarrassment (we're waiting for you) well up in his face. His lip quivered and his eyes grew in front of me questioning asking me why was it so wrong to get lost in my imagination to not finish this stupid worksheet. When I realized he was so upset I immediately distracted the class with something else. I stooped down beside him rubbing his back. What could I say? Dude, don't worry you don't have to finish this garbage, English is overrated? That's what I wanted to say, but all I could muster up was a don't worry buddy, we'll wait, you just got to try and keep up, okay. It's not big deal.
Ugh. When will I find a job where I don't feel like I'm selling out my soul? I know that school is a necessary evil, but he's five. Five year olds learn best through play, it's science. Unfortunately at this school, I'm married to the curriculum. Stupid Jesuits.
Ughhhhh. I don't want to make any more cute kids cry.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Oh man it's so easy to stay here. Oh man it's so easy to go. It's moving forward that's sort of hard.
Gonna Gonna make myself start writing again. Creatively not just cathartically indulgent.
Growing up is taking responsibility for your decisions whatever they may be, not being all serious and shit.
I want to live a good life. I want "good" to be defined by me.
Oh jeezus, I'm gonna be pooooooor!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Today was such a great day, but it couldn't make me change my mind. Which made me both happy and sad. Gonna gonna enjoy my time. Dreaming cool dreams of fall.
Been watching/listening to this like crazy lately, so summery!
Love the Paul, and all the things he reminds me of.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Went out last night. Crazy how you can meet people and within moments know that you can get down with them. Talked music, comics, and kids songs. Ate tofu and danced on tables. Wild night in a foreign country, I think I could have watched the sunrise, but I wouldn't want to do it without you guys.
It's not you S.Korea it's me.
Paul Simon cleaning soundtrack. He makes me feel like I can do everything and nothing and still be a successful woman.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Damnit if I didn't smile.
Sending out an S.O.S because your voice/face can save my ship. Or at least stop it from sinking.
Going out and being social tonight. At least I feel pretty for once.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
I don't like not knowing how to read any directions of any sort. Street signs, menus, google homepage, how to work my washer/aircon/water heater. ETC. Didn't think about that did you Last Unicorn? This will probably be a constant thorn in my side. I'm way too independent to rely on someone for everything and way too klutzy to try and figure everything out on my own.
So I'm tired on day three in foreign country and day two of being "JessicaTeacher" and all I want to do is watch some of The Office ... Guess what? Hulu, NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR LOCATION. NBC, NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR LOCATION. If anyone knows where I can watch some American comedy I would be forever greatful.
While I am complaining a lot, my place is adorable (small, but adorable), my students are mostly rad and seem to dig me, I'm eating lots of wild food with hardly any (a little) stomach problems, and my neighbor is an awesome Canadian who came to teach a day before me!
A proper update soon.
<3 Lots of foreigner love.
Friday, July 24, 2009
First I have to wait for all of my documents to get ordered and mailed to me.
Then I have to wait for all these documents to get to Korea.
Then I wait for them to process my visa number.
Then I wait for the consulate to open up an interview for me (Wednesday).
Of course that's the original day I was supposed to fly out.
Then I have to wait for them to process THAT. THEN I get my visa and book my flight.
So Saturday? Not this one, the next that is.
Saying goodbyes are miserable and I really just need to leave and not drag out this process any longer. Okay there are totally ups to leaving a few days later than I was supposed to, but right now I'm just frustrated. The sooner I get there, the sooner I get to understand how this all feels, and how my life will be for the next year. I've been intensely anticipating this moment for about a year now.
In addition, last night was my last as Nanny Unicorn. Over two years of dedicated service. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm excited to move on to the next chapter, but it makes me really sad to leave my family. It's weird that no one is going to crawl into my bed at 5:00 to sleep with me because they are scared of the "funder" or just to cuddle. I'll miss my boss in all her strength and wisdom. But I won't miss poopie diapers and time outs ... well maybe I'll even miss those. Being a nanny for this family has taught me more than I can ever imagine about responsibility, love, and common sense. I wouldn't trade it for an office job any day! I was truly lucky to find them and I know, even though I won't see them everyday, I'll be a part of their family forever.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
- Susan Griffin
I'm taking an extended vacation to a foreign country. Alright, I'm moving to a foreign country in about a week. All.By.My.Self. The Last Unicorn is going to be a teacher, whoop.
Being the only sober person with a bunch of drunks can actually be fun, who'd have thought.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy? I will come to understand the answer to this question statement over time. Love is funny, but so is life. I'm excited to see how this goes.
My baby sister is 18, holy cow, exciting.
Goodbyes are not fun. So I'm just not going to say goodbye anymore, see you later folks.
I haven't even started packing. :(
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This summer made me realize that I have a pretty decent network of pretty amazing people in my life. You are all so different and awesome. I didn't appreciate you all like I should have. Now I'm leaving and I'm kicking myself in the shins. Hopefully you'll still all want to hang out with me when I get back. Cuz I want to see you.
Crazy crazy busy life 2k9
P.S. My phone just froze ... I didn't even know this was possible.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Away We Go was precious. It was a story about messy, complicated, and beautiful human love.
The last thing I needed to watch was a movie about love. But I'm in love with love, and I don't mind letting it tug at the secret parts of my soul. Love has made me a better person. Tonight I felt it moving all around me. Tonight I didn't feel so scared and alone. But enough of that.
I'm going to miss Lincoln Park. I'm going to miss the young hobo that I would bring books to and the couple that was always cuddling on the lobby couch every night I passed by a little too late at night, I'm going to miss walking down to the beach and all the things that have transpired there, I'm going to miss dropping into the zoo for a few minutes, and the doormen, and the ticket taker at the movies who always made my heart flutter and never made me feel weird about seeing movies by myself, I'll miss the convenience of the city, the pushy joggers, getting cookies from Adera, and the old man whose twin brother died. I'm even going to miss sleeping on the couch. I'm going to miss walking down to Sultan's, that cheap and wonderful thrift shop, the brownstones, Oz Park, meeting up with the Grocer for walks around the pond, and of course play dates with Theresa and Sophia. I'm going to miss a lot that a suburban nanny could never experience. But I think that for this last month I need the white noise of the boring suburbs to calm my soul before the big leap.
"But try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."
I want to be your hero.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I'm talkin' bout McMurphy. His subtle ways of championing the underdog and snubbing the inner machinations made all the other residents brave enough to see that life outside the combine. Because seeing is believing. In the end it cost him, but he always knew it would. Because everything worth living for comes with a price. The combine will always exist and it's always going to tug away at your soul, but it takes strength and a little bravado to live a full life without regrets, a life of resistance. Because when we can overcome things bigger than ourselves we become bigger. And sometimes it even feels good too!
I dunno. After I finished reading it I got the intangible feeling I got when I finished Troutfishing in America. So I do believe this one goes on the top twenty list. Huzzah. I cannot wait to watch the movie!
Next up on the docket: The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison and two books about teaching.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I forgot where I got this picture from. Sorry.
Last night was steamy and pleasant. I got to see good music and good friends and sure I had to bite my lip not to cry a little, but I'm trying to get better at living with that empty space. I'm trying to fill that gaping hole with music and books and lovely sweaty people.
Bah the month of July makes me feel so stressed to even think about.
BUT I just downloaded the Andrew W.K. discography so I think we'll all be okay.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Father's day was nice and I know my papi doesn't read this or even know what blogger probably even is, BUT I appreciate you more than you can possibly understand. I wish I had about a thousand more ways to show it.
Last night after my farewell (she's back to LA) bike ride with T. I drove around way longer than the length it took me to drive home. I listened to mix c.d.s and felt the summer smack into my face. The skeeters were out and so were the lightening bugs. I pulled into the parking lot of the "Solid Rock" church, jumped on the giant trampoline for a little while, and then I just laid on that taut black fabric looking up at the night sky. The notions that flung through my mind were worthy of a poetic anthology, but when I whipped out my little black notebook I wrote just one sentence.
Today I spent the majority of the day painting with my mom and lil sis while listening to Johnny Cash in a tiny enclosed space, and then I spent the rest of the day riding my bike along the trail all free and sweaty and wild like listening to everything else.
Tomorrow I go to The Museum of Science & Industry! I've been trying to go to this museum for like two years, so I'm pretty jazzed. Fun times. Weird times. Sad times. Summer times.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
- I'd really like it to stop raining.
- I'd really like to make it to the crimethinc convergence this year. My number of radical friends dropped drastically whence I was deemed single. I don't want to be socially lazy anymore (among other forms of laziness). I need to make connections with people that are like minded to remind me to keep moving and not go stagnant in my idealistic frustrations. So I guess I need to, "Up the Punx" in my life. ha ha.
- I'd really LOVE if the people who I ordered my glasses from would call me and tell me they are in so I can wear them and see the world clearly, because maybe it would help me see myself more clearly (who knows)?
I am halfway through One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and consequently discussing a really sad mental health case my boss is currently prosecuting, and the combo of the two are forcing me to reevaluate my thoughts on the human psyche. Mental illness is a really complex and traditionally misunderstood disease. At what point does emotional stress become a disease that so alters the patient that they cannot (or should not) be held responsible for their actions? Every doctor knows the basic outline of treating a cancerous tumor, but even within the world of mental health there are several schools of thought with numerous approaches on how to treat this very dynamic disease. Also, the combo of nature and environment that causes mental illness intrigue me as well. As does the way America treats its mentally ill. Out of sight out of mind. Eff that noise. I don't know, I'm interested.
My apologies, today's entry has absolutely no continuity, much like my life these days! Oh well oh well!
EDIT: I just ate a bowl full of cherries ... and now I have a tummy ache!! Ha ha, go fig. Alas, it stopped raining and they called about my glasses! Here are some loverly videos that make me feel optimistic and summery:
Holy moly, this song is so catchy and makes me feel like going out and dancing! I lurve Karen O!
Because this video is so damn summery, and because I miss you.
People move me. Yeah they really get me going.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Two periods that can do nothing for me today.
I'm tired of feeling mopey and squinty eyed. This weekend I will wear glasses and a pretty dress and dance with a cute grocer and hopefully have lots of fun. Boy, do I love weddings.
Also, Colbert shaved his head, whaaaa!? His left ear is folded down and makes him look like an orc. It makes me giggle.
Here is a blog that makes me smile. Beautiful baby mama, engaging papa. Someday I think I need to write extensively about the coolness of this series, but for now you should just check it out. Here is another cool blog about people trying not to be lazy and get - shit - done! (I can relate oh man can I relate). It inspired me to make a list with little check boxes of all the projects I want to get done before I leave. Speaking of leaving ...
I finally sent off my list of official documents (at the jaw dropping price of 70 bones, damn you FedEx) and if all that business checks out I get my contract and I will know the exact date I will be leaving. Ahhhhh. This shit is crazay, and it is thusly making me crazay. Must maintain extremely fragile grip on emotions.
Must live in the present. I think I'm going to make a blanket bed and cuddle up with the floor tonight. Must get a good night of sleep. Must not worry about stuff that is out of my control.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
And saw many old darling friends.
And rolled in grass with dogs and hunted down run away cats.
And drank beer.
And ate two bites of jell-o at two a.m.
And walked a few miles from a broke down car with a smile on my face.
This weekend felt summery.
Now, I'm all tuckered out.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I really miss living in Logan Square, and I'm disappointed that I didn't fully take advantage of living there when I did. Who cares if I had a crazy landlord/roommate.
I went to a house show last night at my friend's place whom I haven't seen for an extremely long time and we were catching up and he said, "You're moving to S.Korea?" Thoughtful pause ...
"Aren't you going to be lonely?"
Of all the reactions I get, that was a very new and sad one. I was surprised and had to think about it for a moment ... "yeah, maybe, but I hope not." I shrugged my shoulders and talked about the thriving expatriate community, and how I had some friends there already. I got a little uncomfortable. But thinking about it now doesn't make me feel so awful. Unfortunately I'm the type of person that can feel lonely in a room crowded full of acquaintances. So I run the risk of loneliness where ever I go. I don't know what that says about me (probably not good), but loneliness isn't about location it's about a state of mind. That I realize.
One of the many reasons I'm excited about South Korea is that I get a chance to be the person that I'm really striving to be without having the background of being the person who I wasn't so happy with, flaky, anti-social, awkward, not-at-all punctual blah blah (this isn't a pity session), etc. It's hard when you are trying to change yourself and you have a momentary relapse and people aren't surprised, "well that's just so and so." If I'm a little lonely for a year, that's okay. I make a lot of excuses for myself, and I finally realized that's not how I want to live my life. I want to be do stuff, instead of just talking about doing stuff!
In the sunshine news sector: I FINALLY GOT NEW GLASSES, whoop! Two pairs.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Yeah it's only a year I tell myself, but we're young and fast and a lot changes in a year. I will be the outsider. What ever happened to The Last Unicorn? What's she up to?
Hopefully it will be a good year for the both of us and we'll have good stories to tell each other when we play at catch up. But still I get a little sad. Still I can't deny that I'd rather hang out with you over most anyone else.
But I'm part of the problem and being a good friend is part of the solution. Long distance friendships are where it's at. Right? ha ha. Time is slipping by so fast. I can't hold on to anything even for a moment. I can't sort out my relationships because everything is so fuzzy fast and comes with an expiration date. I'm sorry to a few people for that. I'm too busy and too loved to feel too lonely and I'm afraid that it's going to hit me like a steel wall when I find myself unable to sleep all alone in a foreign country. Oh well, we shall see, right? I know I'm going to be having a lot of solo underwear dance parties and that can't be bad!
On a less pensive note: I might be sad, but not this sad! Ha ha AND I totally dig Pandora internet radio! Mmmm Modest Mouse and Defiance, Ohio! And I'm finally uploading pictures from my California trip, what a pain! Holy crap it's already mid-June!
Monday, June 08, 2009
I'm proud of me.
I always forget how good it feels to produce things with your hands. I mean sure there are a few that got screwed up, but less than normal! Honestly I didn't even think that this project was going to come together due to time constraints (and a faulty opaque pen). Designs got switched the day of, and T. was at work so I had to hunt down all the supplies in her home, we were out of transparencies, and the screener (which is too heavy for me to move) was in a shed!
But in that shed, with the last remaining hours of sunlight, it all came together! I screened my little heart out, I got eaten by mosquitos, and then I ate some honey nut cheerios to celebrate! West Nile Yo!
I want to make more things! I want to make everything!
Also, I want a pair of white pants ... is this a really bad idea? Ha ha.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Taught a little boy how to pee standing up today, that was interesting.
Yankee Korean? No, thank you, ha ha.
Kung Fu legend, David Carradine committed suicide in Bangkok yesterday; I used to watch that show with my dad. This is shaping up to be a rough and chilly summer for everyone. What gives? Maybe July will be better.
I think T. and I need to watch Wet Hot American Summer this weekend.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Instead my friends, a smorgasboard of junk for your internet roamings:
I'm getting a lot of danger flack for willingly going to a country where nukes are pointed at them. Guess what folks there are nukes pointed at you too. But really, you think I'm not freaked enough already? Luckily since I read this one book I wake up every morning and ask myself: Are you ready to die today? That was only like a month ago, but I've only said no once. That was because I needed to return a rental car, ha ha. Live life, it only happens once.
I saw UP this weekend and it was in 3-D (dang I love that extra dimension). I hung out with a bunch of ladies and I laughed so hard as we sat in the parking lot of Dominicks yucking it up. Up was the saddest Pixar movie that has ever existed. See it. I had crazy dreams of escape and intrigue after I watched it. Dang, I just remembered I saw two movies this weekend! The other was The Brother's Bloom. A classic con movie with a poetic twist. I am a sucker for the gentleman con and the lady smuggla! If everyone conned everyone the world would be a better place and we'd all be dressed super slick like.
My babies turn 3 tomorrow. I met them when they were no years old. Crazy. My little sister is graduating from high school the next day. Weird. I'm glad she liked it more than I did. I'm proud. I love her and wish I could spare her from the pain of coming out of adolescence. But she's a smartie with thick skin and I'm most certain she'll come out alive. I am digging the people they are all becoming.
Oh shit, I wrote a lil something for the first time since forever. Care to gander? Kundera's fiction, Le Guin's essays and O'hara's poems have been tickling my brain lately. And music, oh the music. I just can't seem to stop consuming the all consuming.
Fear drops away like cement. And the wind is blowing through this place and every couple of minutes I think someone's trying to come in. That doesn't bode well for sleep/heart.
Okay okay I'm going to force this sleep into my bones, I am cold and my nose needs to be blown. I don't know when I'll be coming back again, but hopefully next time it will be better than this garble.
Should I go see Johnathan Richman June 11 or 12? These are the questions I should really be asking myself at 1am.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Frisco, Sacramento, Hollywood, Bakersfield, PESCA-Fucking-Dero, Santa Cruz. Insane contrast.
I'm not even sure what day of the week it is.
After one of the more wild nights in my life (I may or may not have given T. a concussion) T. and I roadtripped (three hours) back from Sacramento to our hostel on very little sleep. We ate a little, napped a little, and then tackled miles of Redwood forest. Holy crap.
One minute I'm being that girl and the next I'm taking pictures of banana slugs and being dwarfed by mammoth trees. Who the heck am I? This trip has been crazy. California is crazy. Life is crazy.
Chicago tomorrow before I wreck some more homes. Home tomorrow so I can get back to normal. Whatever that means.
Deep sleep tonight. Goodbyes tomorrow. Watermelon for breakfast. Pictures to come.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The host of said party was a completely beautiful phD student from South Africa. For me this woman was not only a gracious host but will remain in my mind an example of the kind of woman I hope to be one day and can strive to be in the present. She was confident without being arrogant, comfortable in her own skin, natural, honest, smart, witty, open, adventurous, and most of all she seemed absolutely grateful for the life that has been given to her. I don't know she held so many qualities that couldn't be described with words but could only be experienced. She's the type of person that makes you feel warm and welcome. To me that's priceless.
I feel so weird right now. Every experience seems to be viewed through this weird lens of change. Not just the changes I'm going through, but life change in general (love, death, loss). Despite my age, in the scheme of things I've really only begun to experience life. And I am barely begininng to understand the true nature of it, the fact that life can be both highly comic and deeply tragic all in the same breath. Fate is a holy terror and a supreme blessing. All I can do is hang on tightly and keep breathing. This afternoon I watched a movie on a book I read earlier in the year (The Namkesake). The movie was true to the book and only enhanced the richness of the story. It was all about how life is unpredictable and can often be harsh and sad, but ultimately beautiful. Well that and the contrast of being an Indian and an Indian American, but I could relate less to that aspect (heh). Although, I totally want a Bengali wedding AND funeral. Anyway...
Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty in certain situations. Hard to let time take something and shape it, instead of our own hands. I like how the the books I read (and sometimes the movies) have a way of aligning with the things that are going on in my life. I recently just picked up what I assumed to be a fluff book, Tuesdays with Morrie. I flew through the first 100 pgs over the span of a train ride. The book is about an older man with a terminal illness teaching a younger man how to live a full life. I figured it would be mass appeal goodness. While that may be true (it is a best seller) within the first 100 pgs I had bit my lip to avoid tears and whipped out my little black book to jot down something that I never wanted to forget. Again, magically aligning with what I'm going through at the moment. Let me share.
"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?"
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take things for granted.
A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."
Tension of opposites baby. Tension of opposites. But in the end if it's true, love will win out. As I read that passage a wave of calm washed over me. Whatever shall be, shall be, DUDE. Hopefully now I'll be able to get some god damned sleep, heh.
So here I am thinking and packing and trying to see the beauty in my life. It's not hard to find. It's a sad kind of beauty, but with lot's of potential. It's hard to throw your life to the wind. It's hard to let go. Really hard, ha ha. As the illustrious Crystal Cabinet says, "Change is tough. Gotta make it work for you." So I'm gonna change my mindset and try to make all this bidness work for me. I'm going to live my life the best I can. I'm going to let fate take it's stupid course. Ha ha. I'm going to be the best friend I can be.
Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for the west coast. The beginning of the first of many adventures. I know if I'm having trouble finding the beauty in my life, I will surely find it among the redwoods and the crash of the ocean. Holy moly I'm excited.
I'm taking my foot off of the brake.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I was upset because too damn much is changing in my life. My glasses were my security blanket and now I don't even have that! I lose everything, but I had those glasses for almost four years. They became part of my face. It really is an end of an era in my life, and I'm stubborn to except that.
I'm okay now, save for a headache. I've been meaning to get new glasses for like six months so it's really not that big of a deal, but you know change is a bit easier when you can control it. I feel as though there isn't too much I have control of these days.
So now I'll just go about feeling naked and squinting until I get back from the west coast.
RIP red glasses, you were good to me. Let's hope I can find some specs half as sweet.
Monday, May 11, 2009
But like everything in my life lately, I've been surprised. It seems like the only rest I get is during the work week! This weekend started off Wednesday night at RandD's and didn't end until Sunday night when I got back on the train towards the city. I've had more than enough to do (dare I say too much?). I have even been getting along really well with my family!
Among many other things the highlights of my weekend were swinging a hammer, hanging out with lil' B, drinking wine, celebrating my mother, mowing my lawn, watching documentaries with T, and buying antique handkerchiefs from a recently deceased dutch woman! All in a weekends work for the Last Unicorn!
I enjoyed my weekend, but for some reason I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm living someone else's life. Perhaps this is my new life and I haven't quite gotten used to the feeling of living it. I need to completely unstick myself from previous mindsets and get back into one where I really make an effort to live in the now, for myself. How cheezy does that sound? I know, but it's something I've really been struggling with since all the recent changes and the ones looming in the very very near future.
Change is so scary sometimes and I'm faced with so much of it right now. Naps help, so do warm weather, and friends (thank goodness for friends). I feel as though I'm carrying around some kind of weight, and I'm not exactly sure what it is or how to lighten the load.
I suppose part of life is the constant struggle between the light and heavy. Lately I feel like a big fat rock! But an optimistic rock, if that makes any sense.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
I've been having crazy dreams that shake me awake at all hours. I tried so hard to stay up last night to watch Cool Runnings just so I could put off dreaming. Like my whole world revolved around staying up late enough to chuckle myself to sleep with the Jamaican bobsled team, and I couldn't even manage that.
I want to run run run on my trail, but my ankle hurts so bad bad bad.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
To say that I'm scared is an understatement, but to say that I'm not excited would be a big lie. Whoah Nelly what am I getting myself into!? Shit just got real.
Monday, May 04, 2009
I have been watching a lot of music videos on YouTube though, I MEAN A LOT.
Remember how crazy Beck was before he actually went crazy and became a Scientologist?
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate!
And I just found out my ceramics class is canceled this week. :(
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Currently I am filling out an "aptitude test" for a school I might be working with. I thought about filling it out later because I'm really tired and should be napping, luckily one of the questions on this 'aptitude' test is as follows:
You turn down invitation to happy hour with co-workers:
0 Always 0 Occasionally 0 Almost Never 0 Never
I'm assuming that since Korea's national past time is drinking that they are not wondering if I am an alcoholic. So I can only assume that this is to test whether or not they will gain a drinking buddy out of this. Does that come with a salary bonus!?
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
But I did pee on the college of business this weekend, and well you can't NOT feel good about that.
Happy Birthday Samuel Morse.
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
1) I will never take antibiotics again in my life. I don't care if the lack of ingestion will kill me. I want to slice off large portions of my body. Yeah, it grosses me out too.
2) All I want is to be a bioluminescent sea creature. Is that so much to ask?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
But every cold snowy December 31st at the last minute, when we've all decided that there simply isn't anything to do, the night's plans unfold before us. Every year it's something exciting, adventurous, or at the very least entertainingly ridiculous! But unlike New Year's Eve I don't expect anything grand or terribly out of the ordinary on my birthday. I fret because I don't want anyone to feel bad when they forget it even passed. Of course the people in my life are just too good for that. They never forget and this year was not an exception. And that's the surprise every year I seem to be having better and better birthdays. Isn't that illegal after like 21!?
This year I realized that birthdays really aren't something to fret about or get anxious over. No matter who is around or what you are doing it's a cause to pause. Time is ticking, how am I spending it? My new birthday motto is celebrate life, not your impending death. I felt like this year I really did that. My night wasn't all about me, but all about making myself enjoy my night no matter what number someone prescribed to me.
And yeah the free drinks and the gifts and all the super cool kids I met were a really nice perk too. Thanks everyone.
* Who cares right?
Sunday, April 19, 2009
It felt so good and honest. I was really alone for the first time in a couple of weeks and I felt like I could accomplish anything. I felt like I could be myself. I thought the best thing for me to do was to surround myself with people and let them help me understand this whole mess. I guess I realized in that field that while all the wonderful people and new connections are important this is my mess* and I need to handle it on my own. I hate long distance running, but the space it gave me to think and feel was worth the sweat and sore knees.
*Shameless good friends band promotion. I saw the opportunity and seized it like a lioness.
In other news I've been listening to a lot of music I don't usually listen to to avoid listening to other music, and it's very nice. Building a library is a labour of love.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Sunshine helps me not to think so much. Sunshine helps me smile when smiling is harder to come by. Being outside makes me feel more alive. Hot-damn, I'm a real girl!
Tonight might be another story, but I think I'm ready to take it on. BF's are good for that!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Be left today :( but not after we had a long talk about the meaning of meaning. I love that gal, and I really hope I get to see her again before I leave, but she promised to come and visit with J. I'm sort of wigging out (wigging out?) about leaving these past couple of days. Oh man. I wonder if anyone will actually come and visit me? I really (really) hope so. Sigh. I miss everyone already.
Tomorrow is supposed to be warm and sunny. I could really use that. I wish I could go on a forever bike ride that starts in sunshine and ends in the grass on a cool night.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
1) Coming a fraction of a second away from getting in a fist-fight with the coat-check lady from Metro. "Don't mind me I'm just the coat check lady...Get the fuck out of MY coatcheck, no really you have two seconds before I punch you and then call security." Say whaaaaat? We could have taken her out, but we were just too confused as to why we would need to do that ...
2) Turning down Ghiardelli chocolates from a homeless man. Watching said homeless man getting tackled by the police outside the window approx. 30sec later.
3) Sunshine Cleaning, not a light hearted comedy like the previews lead you to believe. Not a good birthday movie. This is the kind of movie where the realities of life start perching atop your shoulders and make you sink slowly into the ground until your telling yourself that this could never be MY life ... right? Right? But it is your life in a way. It's everyon's life. Sets the tone for the rest of the weekend. A morphing ball of sad, happy, and disillusioned.
4) Two words: Hollywood Casino. Casinos are the weirdest most unholy places in the world. Perfect place to spend the first few hours of Easter 2K9.
5) Three words: Hit and RUN! "Hey are you okay?" Man staggering out of car carrying front and back license plates, " No, yes, could you give me a ride?" Uhhhm. Fleeing the scene of an accident anyone? One BMW down, one million to go.
6) The weight of reality finally breaking lil ol' me. The boy, the coatcheck woman, the characters in the movie, the man in his divorce, the gamblers, the drunk driver, my best friend getting older. I just absorbed it all, thusly crying myself to sleep. I woke up in my clothes with snot on my hoody. Keep reminding myself that it's gonna be allright, even for the man with the hit & run on his record.
7) Easter. A gaggle of pre-teen girls calling me agent bumble-bee not believing that I was going to turn 25 in less than ten days. "No, I won't be your partner for the egg hunt, because I'm hiding the eggs." "But you're not a grown up ... want to go play web-kinz and look at pictures of the Jonas Bros?" They cried when I left, tears actually fell from their eyeballs. I felt like a weird ghost of Easter future warning them about the dangers of too much tude' and the glassy stares of the Jonas brothers. They believed me because they thought I was one of them. Was I ever one of them?
8) Awkward encounters on the train because I'm too idealistic and too stubborn to be good at this stuff.
9) Realization that you're going to have to pretend not to care or go bat-crazy. I'm good at pretending.
10) Be and Tor all weekend make me feel like I'm drinking honey lemon tea. You might be sick, but at least you have this great tea to warm you up a bit. Some people don't even have tea. Best friends are somethin' special.
It wasn't a bad weekend, just crazy and too bright and just too much. I'm still reeling from it. I felt like I was stationary while the entire weekend whirled around me. Now, I'm tired. So tired.