The Season of Giving

Got myself Netflix for Christmas and I'm waaay too excited. Thanks thee three wise man for instantly watchable streaming movies. Now who wants to watch documentaries on my laptop allday erryday!?

Queue it up ya'll.

Words From the Wise

Last night two men spoke to me in ways that made me think and act.

One said, "If you want to go, go."

So then I went and just so I was knocked out of my bad mood and I saw old friends and met new ones and I laughed and it was exactly what I needed to feel good on a suburban winter night.

Another said in reaction to my slightly sheepish response to the question, "What do you do?" "Ah, so you like to take care of people. The world would be a better place if there were more people like you."

Prior to that statement and especially among the company of artists and archaeologists I answer that question with a little offense and a shrug of my shoulders. Through an endearing stranger I better understood myself. Do I love art? Yes, and sometimes I create it. Am I a lover of knowledge and solver of puzzles? Oh yes. Do I love my job? Most days. So why then should my body slightly recoil at the question? Oh, I'm just a nanny and I am just going to school to be a nurse.

Just a nanny? Just a nurse?

Checked. It's not as glitzy sounding as rocking a gallery opening or dusting off exotic rocks, but he's right, I like to take care of people. I am The Last Unicorn and I like to take care of people and I'm better at it than I am at most things. Is the mathematician shy about the fact that she is adept at the language of numbers? No! Does the fashion designer wear his own clothes? Of course. I'm proud of my skills and I love what I do and that was the last time I'll ever answer that question with anything less than enthusiasm.

The fundamentals of life are deceptively simple. If you want to go, go. If you want something get it. Because you won't be "going or getting" if you never try. Slowly, but surely I'm getting better at this in my life. For me, it all boils down to overcoming one form of fear or another.

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas!

"Good Shit"

Whoah Fela Kuti had thirty wives! I did not know that, but I'm sure glad his music and political activism are back in the spotlight. I remember being introduced to Fela so many years ago, ahh memories.

The other day on The Colbert Report the cast of Fela! performed, Zombie, a song from the new Broadway show. I was both surprised and impressed. Neat! I think I'm going to be on a Fela kick for awhile, which is nice because it makes me feel warm and want to dance all over, when it's cold and all I want to do is wrap up and read books.

Hey, it's Friday, and thank goodness for that! I think this week was the longest of the year. Winter solstice week from hell!

(Vocals start about six minutes in!) Mmm!

@&!*#

In addition to my automobile being held ransom by Meineke I just took a peep at the prices of my books for next semester and they equal nearly one half of my tuition.

Wah wahhhh.

One of my "books" is a "coloring book" for thirty bucks! REQUIRED. My most expensive book is almost three hundred bones, and naught to be found on the discount websites. English books are infinitely cheaper than Science books. Of course.

Oh well.

Back to frugal town.

LOL

That is the only time I will ever write that in my entire life, but I just realized how comically bad the haircut is that I gave myself this weekend.

YO

I'm busy.

Word.

Celebrating the Hollows

I haven't wanted to really write anything for a long time. Here am I bursting with ideas the last couple of days and I can't seem to bring myself to put pen to paper, or at the very least a blank word processor.

At night is when my mind really starts itself moving. I'm all cozy and my head starts spinning yarns but I just lay in bed. I repeat them three times in my head convinced that they are powerful enough to stay with me through a couple hours of sleep. Most days I wake up not even knowing I was trying to remember anything.

Damn damn damn.

I should probably just keep a pen and pape by my bed, and quit being so goddamned lazy or something.

Grrrumble

Dreams that wake me up and keep me on edge all day make me feel weeirrrd.

:(

Oh boy

So tired, want to cuddle.

On Law

If you think it's about keeping you safe you are kidding yourself. It's about maintaining order. I just fully realized this today. What a revelation.

ORDER SCHMORDER.

Have a great weekend kids. I know I will.

Dangerous Times

I forgot how freeing it is to speed down an interstate at midnight with Simon and Garfunkel blaring in the speakers.

Old mix cds bring back memories of dust and hilarity and every emotion in between. Yes, dust is an emotion, reserved solely for ghosts.

###

Since when did I get so organized? Maybe this is why I can't seem to get enough sleep these days.

OR MAYBE I have some weird strain of the pig flu floating around behind my eyes and porking with my brain? Maybe.

Going to sleep.

They Call it that for a Reason

This weekend ruled. Why?

1) Shaved heads.

2) Patterned tights.

3) Magic.

4) Friends that make you feel at home.

5) Oranges, high life, and sips of rum.

6) Sweaty palms and busy intersection kisses.

7) Warm weather and sinking into piles of leaves.

8) Dads.

9) Music before bed.

10) Warm showers in the morning.

Don't let me forget:

11) Big fluffy robes.

Ahhh.

An\\

I'm itching. Trying to be patient waiting for the weekend. The part where I get to smile unabashedly. The part where I get to stop being serious and responsible and stop rushing to the cries of tikes. Where I don't have to wear functional clothes. I feel like I understand the decade of the 70's a lot better.

I. Am. Anxious. Antsy. C'mon weekend, let's get it on.

I've been listening to the weirdest mix of music and it's written all over my face. I've been writing letters and watching the day turn to night. I've been wondering how I relate to everyone and if I could maybe embroider than onto a blanket that corresponds with the contours of my body.

I'm so tired of saving up for a car. The process makes me feel bored. I hate that I have to get a car at all. I want to spend my money on stupid things, like tattoos and good food and paying off school loans, old dresses and worn in boots. These things make me miss the big dirty cities. All of them. Sometimes I just want to make a break for it. Oh well, it's just a bad storm with lightening. The burbs are the bermuda of the globe.

I am putting my imagination into practice. I've been struggling for so long to invent a dream and all of a sudden I have so many to strive for. It's all about magic and good living. And making things with my hands!

I'm a dork, so what?

They are re-airing the old V miniseries!!!!

YES!

Someday:

I want to have a big comfy bed that swallows me up and doesn't spit me out until morning.

TCOB(alldaylong)

Eat delicious burrito stump. Check.

Mend clothes. Check.

Dance around while the kids are at school. Check.

Laundry, clean up, etc. Check.

Enroll in one school and sign up for classes in another. Chhhhheck.

Read. Check Check.

Yes, you too can have it all.

Ugh

I'm so ridiculously tired. I went to bed so early last night, and still, I'm exhausted.

WHAT THE HECK?

For You, On a Dreary Thursday

(and you and you and you)

Zombieland

If I was bitten by a zombie, would you: kill me on the spot, wait until I became a zombie and then kill me, or run away to avoid having to kill me? OR I guess you could let me bite you so you'd be zombie too, but that would be silly.

Also: Better occupation: pirate or zombie killer? (No, you can't be a pirate zombie killer, sorry)

Shades Of Shades

Ever since the show a sort of gloom has washed over me and for the life of me I can't place it or shake it. Why? tends to leave a romantic gloom in the pit of my stomach when I listen to them too much, but I made myself switch to lighter music. Then my bro got sick, which made me downright sad, because you never want to see people you love in pain. Not to mention it's been raining all day.

I'm guessing it's a combo of all these things.

It can't help that I've been pondering life points a lot lately as well. Which gets me into trouble 7 times out of 10. Sometimes it's just overwhelming (life). The sheer scope of it all, makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm gazing at the night sky. Sometimes you just feel absolutely tiny and worthless.

OI

What a topsy turvy life I live.

Tonight it's PBS' "Crafting in America" while crafting and thinking good thoughts.

Let it Be Known

Back in July of 2008, I was already starting to gripe about the ills of the Olympics coming to Chicago, but I just want to firmly state my opinion for the record:

I do not support the Olympics coming to Chicago. I think that it's going to involve a lot of gentrification of neighborhoods that are in bad need of TLC not athletes. Yes, it will bring jobs and pump money into Chicago temporarily. In addition to the temporary nature of those jobs and that money, the majority of those job will be low pay/low skill (see picking up trash after a big game, taking tickets etc.). Finally, Daly wants it so bad and I loathe him so by pure spite I hope we don't get it. You can pick up any Chicago paper for the last six months and you can read all the shady wheeling and dealing going down to get these games into this city.

Will I get excited and watch? Probably. I love Chicago and I think it's a great city and I know a lot of people are already beaming with pride and it's hard not getting swept up in the excitement.

But when all is said and done. Boo to the Olympics.

Also, I just watched an infomercial for High DEF. sunglasses, ha ha.

"Cardio Pump"

Last night I attended a water aerobics class. I was the youngest by at least thirty years. At first I felt real awkward and got shot nasty looks that swam through the water and bit me in my bathing suit, but by the end of the class they accepted me.

I think they saw me struggling with some of the activities and laughing at myself and knew they were in good company. It was really weird at first though, really. Minority by age.

Ahh, the adventures of suburban life. I hope one of them invites me over for dinner or bridge some day. ha ha.

Big Thighs

Most things do not beat riding your bike around on a cool night.

Damn it, I love fall.

I've Been to Amoeba!

At some point for a fraction of a second I want to like my job as much as DJ Lance Rock loves his.

I'd also like to hang out with him, if anyone can arrange that.

-Edit-

I misspoke. At some point when I have a career (I really truly love the job that I have right now, who wouldn't?) I hope to love it as much as DJ Lance Rock loves his.

That is all.

Catch it or Keep it.

The Science Channel is premiering a new show called Catch it Keep it where a three member team has 48 hours to build a contraption that will save their prize from destruction.

The first episode has the team devise a contraption to save a 50 inch plasma television from getting destroyed when it gets dropped from a crane. For some reason this show really makes me feel gross.

The age of consumer excess plateaus?

ALSO, in other geek tv news the Scifi channel changed its name from the appropriate Scifi channel to the completely baffling Syfy channel. Why?

I'm not Crying Wolf

I'm really enjoying being home. Pleasant surprise. Now if I can only steal some time with that cute delivery boy ...

Reforma

Damn, it was annoying to watch smug chubby whiteys texting, yawning, and rolling their eyes while Obama talked about making healthcare afforable for everyone (but not illegal immigrants of course).

If he hadn't included the public option I would have been pissed, and it was really smart how he downplayed how popular the puboption is going to be. Well played Barack though I'm not so thrilled about mandatory healthcare fines (like car insurance). That's no bueno.

He is the best pragmatist that America has ever seen though.


P.S. The republicans made a rebuttal in the "Strom Thurmond" room. No joke.

EDIT: Immediately after the speech and rebuttal a commercial for PAC group "Patients United Now" came on. Shona, a Canadian woman had a brain tumor that needed to be operated on. According to her Canada was going to make her wait six months to get the operation, and in six months she, "would be dead." Thank goodness she had the money to fly to America and pay for and recieve "world class care." (which costs thousands of dollars)

Now Shona has to appear in smarmy American commercials because she probably has a mountain of uninsured debt owed to American doctors and hospitals. Blech.

Great Expectations

Cat Power seems to be appropriate music to listen to when saying goodbye to an entire country while you pack up your things (again) and day slowly creeps into your room.

Very happy and very sad are quite accurate ways to describe how I'm feeling at this moment.

Think of me while I'm in the air.

Manifest Destiny: Going Going Gone

I wanted to wait until it was official to let everyone know. I should send out the press release so there is no confusion and for when a million people ask me why I'm back I can just refer them to my press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Last Unicorn is Quitting but for Once She doesn't Feel Like a Quitter

The Last Unicorn, born of the Perez Unicorns, after many years of intent, finally moved herself to South Korea to teach English. Upon her arrival all the familiar sights sounds, and smells of the place she once called home resurfaced, and many new ones. She made friends, she ate weird food, and yes, she missed everything back home. Eventually she started her job as a teacher at SLP Songpa Language Institute. Within days she knew that she had made a mistake in coming here, and that the work and life that lay before her, no matter how exotic, would not be fulfilling. She followed her guts (which tend to be right, save for directional purposes) and notified the school of her intent to leave. She would stay until they found a replacement.

Seoul, South Korea – September 2nd 2009 – Who?, What?, When?, Why?, and Where? The Last Unicorn finished her last day of class as her final days in the country wind down. Why leave such a beautiful place with a more than modest salary? On the heels of heart break and the celebration of a quarter century of life, The Last Unicorn spent a great deal of time this summer thinking about what's really important and what she would plan to do with her life. She thought about how grateful she was for her friends and family that care very deeply for her and make her life quite dynamic. She thought about how easy it has been to coast through life thus far as a white middle class American Midwesterner. She thought about how random it was that she was that instead of a member of an indigenous tribe in Mexico struggling for survival amidst government and technological encroachment. The Last Unicorn was very lucky. She was loved, cared for, and comfortable. As the wheels in her mind began to turn she thought more and more about the meaning of her life and how she wanted to make a living and to what ends.

She came to the conclusion that whatever job she took it would be a job that helped people. She wanted to say thank you, and since she isn't a religious woman, this is the only way she knew how. Yes, "to help people" was broad, but discounted a great many jobs. Including the one she just started. As the month wore on, The Last Unicorn grew to love her little English learners. There were bad days and there were good days, as their certainly are with six year olds, but all in all she had a stellar bunch of kooky kids. But the Last Unicorn could not ignore the dread that rose in the pit of her stomach every morning as she walked to school. She enjoyed the kids but she didn't enjoy making them learn an imperialist language that would give them a better edge in the job market. They were full of energy, stories, and creativity. She felt guilty yelling at them for silly things like making too much noise or wiggling too much in their chair. So with much thought and pain she decided to come back home leaving behind a dream three years in the making and at least five years of financial stability. There was a time and place for her to come back to the ROK, but it had passed and she had not realized until now. Does she regret her decision to come or leave? No. The Last Unicorn has learned so much more about herself than she ever could have imagined. She has a greater understanding of herself, what she does not want to do, and the experience of living completely on her own. She also made a few life long friends in the process. The Last Unicorn is not leaving because she is home sick or culture shocked. While she might be feeling both of those things mildly, she surely expected it. No, this decision was made upon her (sometimes a pain in the ass) idealism.

What is next for the Last Unicorn? She'll go back to her old job as a nanny and go back to school to become a nurse so she can eventually work for the Doctors Without Borders program and hopefully help a few people in the process. The Last Unicorn is sad to leave this place and all her new friends but she will never forget her experience and is excited to touch very familiar faces and hug very familiar bodies.

The Last Unicorn is excited to start yet another chapter of her enchanted life. Stay tuned it might be fun.

For More Information:

For more information about teaching English in South Korea please contact John Morgan at Morgan Recruiting, the best darn recruiters in all of EFL. They have helped tremendously in my process of arriving and leaving South Korea. For further information on life, love, and quarter life crisis please contact me as I will be really bored being back in the suburbs of the Midwest and will be in need of some adventure and/or pep talks. I like to play cards and scrabble too.

Contact Info:

The Last Unicorn
Midwest
Elmhurst / IL / 60126 United States of America
Phone: We'll see when I get back into the country.

***

I knew my PR degree would come in handy one day.

Today was my last day of class. I brought in cake and we did a word search that was titled "Goodbye Teacher."

My students made me cards here are a few excerpts:

(written next to a rocket blasting off)

"Teacher was funny and I will Miss Her."

- Min Seo

(written below an airplane covered in flowers)

"Jessica Teacher Don't go until I finsh SLP. Jessica Teacher Don't be Nurse! Just stay in SLP!!!!"

- In Gi

(From my most challenging student)

I'm sorry I am bad. I am good for Jessica Teacher, not New Teacher. I will Cry. Please don't GO!"

- Yeon Jae

(below a picture of a sweet demon looking thing)

Bye Jessica Teacher. You teach me so good. You are help me so well. I love you. I will always remember. Never Forget.

- Hyun Woo

Some of these made me laugh and I did shed a tear or two, eventually I'll scan a few in (it's worth it). Teaching this age of kids is really interesting and it's very easy to get attached to the kids. I'm going to miss them all a lot as well, but I'm pretty glad I don't have to yell at them for being kids anymore.

I'm going to enjoy my last few days here. The next time I write in this thing it will probably be back in the states. Hoping for a smooth flight.

Many more adventures to come.

P.S. Thanks Seoul, I've had so much fun this past month or so! Pictures eventually.

Oh Nelly Pt. 2

I feel exhausted and inexplicably melancholy. Probably because when I'm here I'm missing people and when I'm gone I'll be missing people. I'm a nomad. Someday I will put roots down and stick my fingers deep into the earth and make a little bit of it mine. For now I leave a little of myself everywhere I go. This is both a good and bad thing.

Tomorrow is September 1, my, time flys.

Finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh Nelly

My legs and thighs feel like they are on fire. Itchy moogie bites. 23 to be exact.

MUST NOT ITCH.

(and that was before they swelled up)

Brain Power Workout

Sometimes the most simple things are the best. The things that make you feel truly alive and content. Hanging out drinking and laughing. When I feel like complaining about anything, these are the times I should think of.

Today I conquered Mt. Yongmasan. It was exhausting and exhilarating. I wish Illinois had more mountains ...

It had been awhile since I literally felt like I was going to die laughing. I highly recommend it. Good for the soul.

It's Saturday. I'm clean and hungry, what adventures will the night hold for me?

Love,

The Last (roaming) Unicorn

Remember the Basement

Korea is making me fat.

:(

Freebird

Where are you from?
How old are you?
Where are you from?
Where are you from?
How old are you?
How long have you been here?
How long have you been here?
Where are you from?
Where are you from?


How How How old have you been here from?

I Want a Burrito!

Yeah Yea!

I'm pretty positive one of my students followed me home today. Uh, Brian? Can I help you? Shakes his head while eating his ice cream, "Hello teacher." And then stares...for like a minute. So I unlock my door and go inside. Weird right?

Speaking of my students.

I've made exactly three of my students cry (it's not as bad as it sounds they are like five) all of them being boys. I feel like a manchild-eater.

Today was a particularly heart wrenching example.
RY is a very active day dreamer. Today we were doing a super simple exercise and he fell way behind (like always), not because he's not bright by any means but because he was singing to himself and playing with his pencil instead of copying what was on the board. You know what came next ... my heart cringed a little as I reprimanded him for falling so behind. After giving him a stern face and letting him know that he really needed to pay attention I walked away to check the other student's worksheet.

Five or so minutes later he had only written two letters and was back to daydreaming. After another (more) stern reprimand I stood over him to make sure he finished at least the sentence as he fell further behind. I was feeling crappy because I was a big day dreamer in all levels of school and didn't like the tone I took with him, because after all he WAS holding the class up.

As I stood by him I saw the fear and possibly embarrassment (we're waiting for you) well up in his face. His lip quivered and his eyes grew in front of me questioning asking me why was it so wrong to get lost in my imagination to not finish this stupid worksheet. When I realized he was so upset I immediately distracted the class with something else. I stooped down beside him rubbing his back. What could I say? Dude, don't worry you don't have to finish this garbage, English is overrated? That's what I wanted to say, but all I could muster up was a don't worry buddy, we'll wait, you just got to try and keep up, okay. It's not big deal.

Ugh. When will I find a job where I don't feel like I'm selling out my soul? I know that school is a necessary evil, but he's five. Five year olds learn best through play, it's science. Unfortunately at this school, I'm married to the curriculum. Stupid Jesuits.

Ughhhhh. I don't want to make any more cute kids cry.

:(

A Word I Can't Remember

Nothing in the past or the future will ever feel quite the same.

How Fast is Lightspeed?

Redefining the meaning of home. Exploding with creativity. Bubbling with thoughts.
Oh man it's so easy to stay here. Oh man it's so easy to go. It's moving forward that's sort of hard.

Gonna Gonna make myself start writing again. Creatively not just cathartically indulgent.
Growing up is taking responsibility for your decisions whatever they may be, not being all serious and shit.

I want to live a good life. I want "good" to be defined by me.


Oh jeezus, I'm gonna be pooooooor!

<3

Firm Like Jello

Work was a breeze today. The kids were great and I even received a gift! Mmm. Had coffee with my recruiter and cried a little bit, because I talked about what I really want to be doing with my life. She understood and it made me feel calm. The lights at the market were so bright and the warm breeze felt good on my face. Bought yummy fish cakes at WellBeingUpLife for 1,020 won and it made me very happy.

Today was such a great day, but it couldn't make me change my mind. Which made me both happy and sad. Gonna gonna enjoy my time. Dreaming cool dreams of fall.

Been watching/listening to this like crazy lately, so summery!


Love the Paul, and all the things he reminds me of.

I Am Sinking Into the Bedroom Floor

Talked to bestie (yes I have officially added this word to my vernacular, sorry guys) on the gphone today for hours and it was like we were sitting in her room hanging out on a lazy day. Man, I love that girl. I'm glad our futures are permanently entwined.

Went out last night. Crazy how you can meet people and within moments know that you can get down with them. Talked music, comics, and kids songs. Ate tofu and danced on tables. Wild night in a foreign country, I think I could have watched the sunrise, but I wouldn't want to do it without you guys.

It's not you S.Korea it's me.

Paul Simon cleaning soundtrack. He makes me feel like I can do everything and nothing and still be a successful woman.

Erggg Arghhhh

Thinking really hard. Really Really Hard. Hard to smile. Talked to a soul-mate friend who is thinking really hard too and she sent me this:



Damnit if I didn't smile.

Sending out an S.O.S because your voice/face can save my ship. Or at least stop it from sinking.
Garble garble.

Going out and being social tonight. At least I feel pretty for once.

The Pains of Far Away

Finally got internetz in my apt. Oh yeah, I'm in Korea. Will talk all about my flight, but right now I'm so very tired and this is what I have to say...

I don't like not knowing how to read any directions of any sort. Street signs, menus, google homepage, how to work my washer/aircon/water heater. ETC. Didn't think about that did you Last Unicorn? This will probably be a constant thorn in my side. I'm way too independent to rely on someone for everything and way too klutzy to try and figure everything out on my own.

Frown town.

So I'm tired on day three in foreign country and day two of being "JessicaTeacher" and all I want to do is watch some of The Office ... Guess what? Hulu, NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR LOCATION. NBC, NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR LOCATION. If anyone knows where I can watch some American comedy I would be forever greatful.

While I am complaining a lot, my place is adorable (small, but adorable), my students are mostly rad and seem to dig me, I'm eating lots of wild food with hardly any (a little) stomach problems, and my neighbor is an awesome Canadian who came to teach a day before me!

A proper update soon.

<3 Lots of foreigner love.

Visa Schmisa

Ahhh this whole process has been all about waiting and I just want to get going!

First I have to wait for all of my documents to get ordered and mailed to me.
Then I have to wait for all these documents to get to Korea.
Then I wait for them to process my visa number.
Then I wait for the consulate to open up an interview for me (Wednesday).
Of course that's the original day I was supposed to fly out.
Then I have to wait for them to process THAT. THEN I get my visa and book my flight.
So Saturday? Not this one, the next that is.

Saying goodbyes are miserable and I really just need to leave and not drag out this process any longer. Okay there are totally ups to leaving a few days later than I was supposed to, but right now I'm just frustrated. The sooner I get there, the sooner I get to understand how this all feels, and how my life will be for the next year. I've been intensely anticipating this moment for about a year now.

In addition, last night was my last as Nanny Unicorn. Over two years of dedicated service. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm excited to move on to the next chapter, but it makes me really sad to leave my family. It's weird that no one is going to crawl into my bed at 5:00 to sleep with me because they are scared of the "funder" or just to cuddle. I'll miss my boss in all her strength and wisdom. But I won't miss poopie diapers and time outs ... well maybe I'll even miss those. Being a nanny for this family has taught me more than I can ever imagine about responsibility, love, and common sense. I wouldn't trade it for an office job any day! I was truly lucky to find them and I know, even though I won't see them everyday, I'll be a part of their family forever.

Promises You Can Keep

Even in the grimmest of circumstances, a shift in perspective can create startling change.
- Susan Griffin

Oh man.

Realizations:

I'm taking an extended vacation to a foreign country. Alright, I'm moving to a foreign country in about a week. All.By.My.Self. The Last Unicorn is going to be a teacher, whoop.

Being the only sober person with a bunch of drunks can actually be fun, who'd have thought.

Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy? I will come to understand the answer to this question statement over time. Love is funny, but so is life. I'm excited to see how this goes.

My baby sister is 18, holy cow, exciting.

Goodbyes are not fun. So I'm just not going to say goodbye anymore, see you later folks.

I haven't even started packing. :(

Show Some Kindness to a Petty Thief

My time here is measured out by days, and each one is filled with something, someone, a check on a list. I wish I had time to throw a big bash, but that wouldn't satisfy me. I'd probably just get drunk instead of letting all of you know how important you are in my life. Big and small roles, I am full with gratitude. So I rattle off on my blog and hope you pass upon this while internetting. I'm trying my best to see everyone whose lack of presence in my life will leave a small or big emptiness in my tummy, but I just can't seem to get all the things that I want done. I'm trying my best.

This summer made me realize that I have a pretty decent network of pretty amazing people in my life. You are all so different and awesome. I didn't appreciate you all like I should have. Now I'm leaving and I'm kicking myself in the shins. Hopefully you'll still all want to hang out with me when I get back. Cuz I want to see you.

Crazy crazy busy life 2k9

P.S. My phone just froze ... I didn't even know this was possible.

Fire in the Sky

If you can tell me what it's like to die, I can tell you what it's like to be alive.

Keeping My Head Above Water

With bf in tow, a six pack of Hamm's and Away We Go I embarked on my last night as a resident of Lincoln Park.

Away We Go was precious. It was a story about messy, complicated, and beautiful human love.

The last thing I needed to watch was a movie about love. But I'm in love with love, and I don't mind letting it tug at the secret parts of my soul. Love has made me a better person. Tonight I felt it moving all around me. Tonight I didn't feel so scared and alone. But enough of that.

I'm going to miss Lincoln Park. I'm going to miss the young hobo that I would bring books to and the couple that was always cuddling on the lobby couch every night I passed by a little too late at night, I'm going to miss walking down to the beach and all the things that have transpired there, I'm going to miss dropping into the zoo for a few minutes, and the doormen, and the ticket taker at the movies who always made my heart flutter and never made me feel weird about seeing movies by myself, I'll miss the convenience of the city, the pushy joggers, getting cookies from Adera, and the old man whose twin brother died. I'm even going to miss sleeping on the couch. I'm going to miss walking down to Sultan's, that cheap and wonderful thrift shop, the brownstones, Oz Park, meeting up with the Grocer for walks around the pond, and of course play dates with Theresa and Sophia. I'm going to miss a lot that a suburban nanny could never experience. But I think that for this last month I need the white noise of the boring suburbs to calm my soul before the big leap.

"But try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

I want to be your hero.

The Depth I've Never Felt

As per a conversation I had last night over milkshakes and records ...

I wonder how much of my life I've wasted texting?

One Flew East One Flew West

I just finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It made me feel all sorts of poles of emotions. That combine that the chief speaks of in the book really exists. It is every establishment and the parts of our brains that have been fashioned out of those same parts. But the opportunity to throw a wrench at the combine or slow it down so people can see just what runs them exists too, and every simple victory is worth celebrating. I'm not talking about going to some demonstration or hosting a food not bombs, while those are all great things they work outside the combine.

I'm talkin' bout McMurphy. His subtle ways of championing the underdog and snubbing the inner machinations made all the other residents brave enough to see that life outside the combine. Because seeing is believing. In the end it cost him, but he always knew it would. Because everything worth living for comes with a price. The combine will always exist and it's always going to tug away at your soul, but it takes strength and a little bravado to live a full life without regrets, a life of resistance. Because when we can overcome things bigger than ourselves we become bigger. And sometimes it even feels good too!

I dunno. After I finished reading it I got the intangible feeling I got when I finished Troutfishing in America. So I do believe this one goes on the top twenty list. Huzzah. I cannot wait to watch the movie!

Next up on the docket: The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison and two books about teaching.

RRRRRRRip

Too early for a memorial dance party?


















By the way, today at the beach I got stung by a bee. I forgot how much that hurts. :(

The Boy Who Could Fly

I want to know this man. I want to sit down with him and say, "You are beautiful in every way. Let's drink tea and play scrabble." No expectations no promises no pressure. He seems brave, no? ----------->
I forgot where I got this picture from. Sorry.

Last night was steamy and pleasant. I got to see good music and good friends and sure I had to bite my lip not to cry a little, but I'm trying to get better at living with that empty space. I'm trying to fill that gaping hole with music and books and lovely sweaty people.

Bah the month of July makes me feel so stressed to even think about.

BUT I just downloaded the Andrew W.K. discography so I think we'll all be okay.

Right?

What's Your Name. They Don't Care.

So this weekend was real nice and I don't work today so it feels even better. But I don't think I'm going to wear high heels for another five years! I ran into so many people this weekend at the weirdest places: Sparx Girl at a wedding, Sparx Boy at train station waiting for a different Sparx Girl for picnic (M&D are one of my more fave couples that exist), my cousin on my dad's side on train whom I hadn't spent time with since I was a little girl crawling under the table while they all played dominos, and finally my all through elementary school on again off again first boyfriend of all time (and his mom) on the streets of Chicago.

Weird town.

Father's day was nice and I know my papi doesn't read this or even know what blogger probably even is, BUT I appreciate you more than you can possibly understand. I wish I had about a thousand more ways to show it.

Last night after my farewell (she's back to LA) bike ride with T. I drove around way longer than the length it took me to drive home. I listened to mix c.d.s and felt the summer smack into my face. The skeeters were out and so were the lightening bugs. I pulled into the parking lot of the "Solid Rock" church, jumped on the giant trampoline for a little while, and then I just laid on that taut black fabric looking up at the night sky. The notions that flung through my mind were worthy of a poetic anthology, but when I whipped out my little black notebook I wrote just one sentence.

Today I spent the majority of the day painting with my mom and lil sis while listening to Johnny Cash in a tiny enclosed space, and then I spent the rest of the day riding my bike along the trail all free and sweaty and wild like listening to everything else.

Tomorrow I go to The Museum of Science & Industry! I've been trying to go to this museum for like two years, so I'm pretty jazzed. Fun times. Weird times. Sad times. Summer times.

I'm a dreamer. I'm a schemer. Ima fraidy cat. Maybe I should be a Lemur.

• I'd really like it to stop raining.

• I'd really like to make it to the crimethinc convergence this year. My number of radical friends dropped drastically whence I was deemed single. I don't want to be socially lazy anymore (among other forms of laziness). I need to make connections with people that are like minded to remind me to keep moving and not go stagnant in my idealistic frustrations. So I guess I need to, "Up the Punx" in my life. ha ha.

• I'd really LOVE if the people who I ordered my glasses from would call me and tell me they are in so I can wear them and see the world clearly, because maybe it would help me see myself more clearly (who knows)?

Anywho:
I am halfway through One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and consequently discussing a really sad mental health case my boss is currently prosecuting, and the combo of the two are forcing me to reevaluate my thoughts on the human psyche. Mental illness is a really complex and traditionally misunderstood disease. At what point does emotional stress become a disease that so alters the patient that they cannot (or should not) be held responsible for their actions? Every doctor knows the basic outline of treating a cancerous tumor, but even within the world of mental health there are several schools of thought with numerous approaches on how to treat this very dynamic disease. Also, the combo of nature and environment that causes mental illness intrigue me as well. As does the way America treats its mentally ill. Out of sight out of mind. Eff that noise. I don't know, I'm interested.

My apologies, today's entry has absolutely no continuity, much like my life these days! Oh well oh well!

EDIT: I just ate a bowl full of cherries ... and now I have a tummy ache!! Ha ha, go fig. Alas, it stopped raining and they called about my glasses! Here are some loverly videos that make me feel optimistic and summery:


Holy moly, this song is so catchy and makes me feel like going out and dancing! I lurve Karen O!


A classic.


Because this video is so damn summery, and because I miss you.


Self-explanatory goodness!

People move me. Yeah they really get me going.

Themes on The Odyssey

I need to have more courage. Last night was a pretty rough night and I'm not sure why, but I don't like feeling like this. Some days when all of my fear comes to a head I find myself living in the past and in the future.

Two periods that can do nothing for me today.

I'm tired of feeling mopey and squinty eyed. This weekend I will wear glasses and a pretty dress and dance with a cute grocer and hopefully have lots of fun. Boy, do I love weddings.

Also, Colbert shaved his head, whaaaa!? His left ear is folded down and makes him look like an orc. It makes me giggle.

Here is a blog that makes me smile. Beautiful baby mama, engaging papa. Someday I think I need to write extensively about the coolness of this series, but for now you should just check it out. Here is another cool blog about people trying not to be lazy and get - shit - done! (I can relate oh man can I relate). It inspired me to make a list with little check boxes of all the projects I want to get done before I leave. Speaking of leaving ...

I finally sent off my list of official documents (at the jaw dropping price of 70 bones, damn you FedEx) and if all that business checks out I get my contract and I will know the exact date I will be leaving. Ahhhhh. This shit is crazay, and it is thusly making me crazay. Must maintain extremely fragile grip on emotions.

Must live in the present. I think I'm going to make a blanket bed and cuddle up with the floor tonight. Must get a good night of sleep. Must not worry about stuff that is out of my control.

So Much Water

This weekend I learned a lesson about unconditional love.
And saw many old darling friends.
And rolled in grass with dogs and hunted down run away cats.
And drank beer.
And ate two bites of jell-o at two a.m.
And walked a few miles from a broke down car with a smile on my face.


This weekend felt summery.

Now, I'm all tuckered out.

<3

Summer in the City

Tonight I rode bikes for the fist time in Chicago ever! It was so much fun, and a lot less scary than I expected.

I really miss living in Logan Square, and I'm disappointed that I didn't fully take advantage of living there when I did. Who cares if I had a crazy landlord/roommate.

I went to a house show last night at my friend's place whom I haven't seen for an extremely long time and we were catching up and he said, "You're moving to S.Korea?" Thoughtful pause ...

"Aren't you going to be lonely?"

Of all the reactions I get, that was a very new and sad one. I was surprised and had to think about it for a moment ... "yeah, maybe, but I hope not." I shrugged my shoulders and talked about the thriving expatriate community, and how I had some friends there already. I got a little uncomfortable. But thinking about it now doesn't make me feel so awful. Unfortunately I'm the type of person that can feel lonely in a room crowded full of acquaintances. So I run the risk of loneliness where ever I go. I don't know what that says about me (probably not good), but loneliness isn't about location it's about a state of mind. That I realize.

One of the many reasons I'm excited about South Korea is that I get a chance to be the person that I'm really striving to be without having the background of being the person who I wasn't so happy with, flaky, anti-social, awkward, not-at-all punctual blah blah (this isn't a pity session), etc. It's hard when you are trying to change yourself and you have a momentary relapse and people aren't surprised, "well that's just so and so." If I'm a little lonely for a year, that's okay. I make a lot of excuses for myself, and I finally realized that's not how I want to live my life. I want to be do stuff, instead of just talking about doing stuff!

In the sunshine news sector: I FINALLY GOT NEW GLASSES, whoop! Two pairs.

No Regrets

I get the best and the worst of you, and for that I'm thankful. But I'm certain of a few intangible truths that will come to pass over the next year. Bonds will be strengthened, but not ours. Friends will be made, but I won't know them. Memories will be made, but I won't be a part of them. You'll become super close to all the people I miss, I only hope my name comes up every so often.

Yeah it's only a year I tell myself, but we're young and fast and a lot changes in a year. I will be the outsider. What ever happened to The Last Unicorn? What's she up to?

Hopefully it will be a good year for the both of us and we'll have good stories to tell each other when we play at catch up. But still I get a little sad. Still I can't deny that I'd rather hang out with you over most anyone else.

But I'm part of the problem and being a good friend is part of the solution. Long distance friendships are where it's at. Right? ha ha. Time is slipping by so fast. I can't hold on to anything even for a moment. I can't sort out my relationships because everything is so fuzzy fast and comes with an expiration date. I'm sorry to a few people for that. I'm too busy and too loved to feel too lonely and I'm afraid that it's going to hit me like a steel wall when I find myself unable to sleep all alone in a foreign country. Oh well, we shall see, right? I know I'm going to be having a lot of solo underwear dance parties and that can't be bad!

On a less pensive note: I might be sad, but not this sad! Ha ha AND I totally dig Pandora internet radio! Mmmm Modest Mouse and Defiance, Ohio! And I'm finally uploading pictures from my California trip, what a pain! Holy crap it's already mid-June!

Thug Love

Last night I screened a bunch of tees for my friend's band with the face of Tupac Shakur on them, it was so much fun. I hadn't screened for a looong time, and it was the first job I did mainly on my own! They actually came out really well!

I'm proud of me.

I always forget how good it feels to produce things with your hands. I mean sure there are a few that got screwed up, but less than normal! Honestly I didn't even think that this project was going to come together due to time constraints (and a faulty opaque pen). Designs got switched the day of, and T. was at work so I had to hunt down all the supplies in her home, we were out of transparencies, and the screener (which is too heavy for me to move) was in a shed!

But in that shed, with the last remaining hours of sunlight, it all came together! I screened my little heart out, I got eaten by mosquitos, and then I ate some honey nut cheerios to celebrate! West Nile Yo!

I want to make more things! I want to make everything!

Also, I want a pair of white pants ... is this a really bad idea? Ha ha.

Annyeong-haseyo

Putting all my energy into the Korean language, so as not to implode.
Taught a little boy how to pee standing up today, that was interesting.


Yankee Korean? No, thank you, ha ha.

Kung Fu legend, David Carradine committed suicide in Bangkok yesterday; I used to watch that show with my dad. This is shaping up to be a rough and chilly summer for everyone. What gives? Maybe July will be better.

I think T. and I need to watch Wet Hot American Summer this weekend.

Kafka the Prophet, After Midnight

Man I got so much to write about. Current events that aren't so current anymore, that I wish that I had commented on, because I care, now seem dated. I drank coffee before bed again, which is nice, because I love nothing more than drinking coffee with people. But it's affecting my sleep. I need this sleep. And so my scrambled coffee brain can't produce anything useful (or rem patterns). Sorry everyone, I've been sucking it up with this blog lately. I also noticed that my punctuation gets all willy nilly on caffeine and lack of sleep. HA! So no current events I lack the concentration.

Instead my friends, a smorgasboard of junk for your internet roamings:

I'm getting a lot of danger flack for willingly going to a country where nukes are pointed at them. Guess what folks there are nukes pointed at you too. But really, you think I'm not freaked enough already? Luckily since I read this one book I wake up every morning and ask myself: Are you ready to die today? That was only like a month ago, but I've only said no once. That was because I needed to return a rental car, ha ha. Live life, it only happens once.

I saw UP this weekend and it was in 3-D (dang I love that extra dimension). I hung out with a bunch of ladies and I laughed so hard as we sat in the parking lot of Dominicks yucking it up. Up was the saddest Pixar movie that has ever existed. See it. I had crazy dreams of escape and intrigue after I watched it. Dang, I just remembered I saw two movies this weekend! The other was The Brother's Bloom. A classic con movie with a poetic twist. I am a sucker for the gentleman con and the lady smuggla! If everyone conned everyone the world would be a better place and we'd all be dressed super slick like.

My babies turn 3 tomorrow. I met them when they were no years old. Crazy. My little sister is graduating from high school the next day. Weird. I'm glad she liked it more than I did. I'm proud. I love her and wish I could spare her from the pain of coming out of adolescence. But she's a smartie with thick skin and I'm most certain she'll come out alive. I am digging the people they are all becoming.

Oh shit, I wrote a lil something for the first time since forever. Care to gander? Kundera's fiction, Le Guin's essays and O'hara's poems have been tickling my brain lately. And music, oh the music. I just can't seem to stop consuming the all consuming.

Fear drops away like cement. And the wind is blowing through this place and every couple of minutes I think someone's trying to come in. That doesn't bode well for sleep/heart.

Okay okay I'm going to force this sleep into my bones, I am cold and my nose needs to be blown. I don't know when I'll be coming back again, but hopefully next time it will be better than this garble.

Should I go see Johnathan Richman June 11 or 12? These are the questions I should really be asking myself at 1am.

Poker Face

I'm trying my best. Really.

Homeward Bound

Time and space is skewed.
Frisco, Sacramento, Hollywood, Bakersfield, PESCA-Fucking-Dero, Santa Cruz. Insane contrast.
I'm not even sure what day of the week it is.

After one of the more wild nights in my life (I may or may not have given T. a concussion) T. and I roadtripped (three hours) back from Sacramento to our hostel on very little sleep. We ate a little, napped a little, and then tackled miles of Redwood forest. Holy crap.

One minute I'm being that girl and the next I'm taking pictures of banana slugs and being dwarfed by mammoth trees. Who the heck am I? This trip has been crazy. California is crazy. Life is crazy.

Chicago tomorrow before I wreck some more homes. Home tomorrow so I can get back to normal. Whatever that means.

Deep sleep tonight. Goodbyes tomorrow. Watermelon for breakfast. Pictures to come.

Oh Gee

The Last Unicorn is a sucker for a few things. Ha.

T R O U B L E.

Davy Jones' Liquor Locker

Brief California update:

Apparently there was an earthquake the first night I was here.  I was too whiskey drunk to notice.

Shame on me.

Venice beach is grrrreat people watching.  I saw a man jump off a chair onto crushed 40oz bottles!  Sick.  "Here comes the blood here comes the blood."

Riding bikes to the ocean and then swimming in it might be the closest I'll ever get to heaven.

(If only it wasn't so salty)

High school reunions are pretty cool.

I can feel the physical distance. Fuck that noise.

Two words: YOGURT LAND.

I want two.

Sunburn! Jet lag! Wavy salt hair!

BIG big interview with Ministry of Education tonight.  Nervous town. Wish me luck.  

Stay real people. <3

Interpreter of Maladies

Last night I attended a dinner party of sorts and bumped elbows with famous molecular biologists and charming ornithologists. I tried my best to be graceful and honest. I was honest. I ate good food and tried to follow along.

The host of said party was a completely beautiful phD student from South Africa. For me this woman was not only a gracious host but will remain in my mind an example of the kind of woman I hope to be one day and can strive to be in the present. She was confident without being arrogant, comfortable in her own skin, natural, honest, smart, witty, open, adventurous, and most of all she seemed absolutely grateful for the life that has been given to her. I don't know she held so many qualities that couldn't be described with words but could only be experienced. She's the type of person that makes you feel warm and welcome. To me that's priceless.

I feel so weird right now. Every experience seems to be viewed through this weird lens of change. Not just the changes I'm going through, but life change in general (love, death, loss). Despite my age, in the scheme of things I've really only begun to experience life. And I am barely begininng to understand the true nature of it, the fact that life can be both highly comic and deeply tragic all in the same breath. Fate is a holy terror and a supreme blessing. All I can do is hang on tightly and keep breathing. This afternoon I watched a movie on a book I read earlier in the year (The Namkesake). The movie was true to the book and only enhanced the richness of the story. It was all about how life is unpredictable and can often be harsh and sad, but ultimately beautiful. Well that and the contrast of being an Indian and an Indian American, but I could relate less to that aspect (heh). Although, I totally want a Bengali wedding AND funeral. Anyway...

Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty in certain situations. Hard to let time take something and shape it, instead of our own hands. I like how the the books I read (and sometimes the movies) have a way of aligning with the things that are going on in my life. I recently just picked up what I assumed to be a fluff book, Tuesdays with Morrie. I flew through the first 100 pgs over the span of a train ride. The book is about an older man with a terminal illness teaching a younger man how to live a full life. I figured it would be mass appeal goodness. While that may be true (it is a best seller) within the first 100 pgs I had bit my lip to avoid tears and whipped out my little black book to jot down something that I never wanted to forget. Again, magically aligning with what I'm going through at the moment. Let me share.

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?"
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take things for granted.
A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."

Tension of opposites baby. Tension of opposites. But in the end if it's true, love will win out. As I read that passage a wave of calm washed over me. Whatever shall be, shall be, DUDE. Hopefully now I'll be able to get some god damned sleep, heh.

So here I am thinking and packing and trying to see the beauty in my life. It's not hard to find. It's a sad kind of beauty, but with lot's of potential. It's hard to throw your life to the wind. It's hard to let go. Really hard, ha ha. As the illustrious Crystal Cabinet says, "Change is tough. Gotta make it work for you." So I'm gonna change my mindset and try to make all this bidness work for me. I'm going to live my life the best I can. I'm going to let fate take it's stupid course. Ha ha. I'm going to be the best friend I can be.

Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for the west coast. The beginning of the first of many adventures. I know if I'm having trouble finding the beauty in my life, I will surely find it among the redwoods and the crash of the ocean. Holy moly I'm excited.

I'm taking my foot off of the brake.

Are you out of your vulcan mind?

One of my babies accidentally and irreparably broke my glasses yesterday. I cried. I tried really hard not to, but when said baby then flung his food off the table I sort of lost it. I sat in the bathroom and had myself a good cry.

I was upset because too damn much is changing in my life. My glasses were my security blanket and now I don't even have that! I lose everything, but I had those glasses for almost four years. They became part of my face. It really is an end of an era in my life, and I'm stubborn to except that.

I'm okay now, save for a headache. I've been meaning to get new glasses for like six months so it's really not that big of a deal, but you know change is a bit easier when you can control it. I feel as though there isn't too much I have control of these days.

So now I'll just go about feeling naked and squinting until I get back from the west coast.

RIP red glasses, you were good to me. Let's hope I can find some specs half as sweet.

Hectic Life Super Nova

I just woke up from a long afternoon nap. I almost never take naps anymore, but this weekend did a number on me! Every time before I spend a weekend in the suburbs a little bit of dread passes through me. What the heck am I going to do in the suburbs for an entire long weekend!? I'm going to be bored and crabby because I spent too much time with my family!

But like everything in my life lately, I've been surprised. It seems like the only rest I get is during the work week! This weekend started off Wednesday night at RandD's and didn't end until Sunday night when I got back on the train towards the city. I've had more than enough to do (dare I say too much?). I have even been getting along really well with my family!

Among many other things the highlights of my weekend were swinging a hammer, hanging out with lil' B, drinking wine, celebrating my mother, mowing my lawn, watching documentaries with T, and buying antique handkerchiefs from a recently deceased dutch woman! All in a weekends work for the Last Unicorn!

I enjoyed my weekend, but for some reason I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm living someone else's life. Perhaps this is my new life and I haven't quite gotten used to the feeling of living it. I need to completely unstick myself from previous mindsets and get back into one where I really make an effort to live in the now, for myself. How cheezy does that sound? I know, but it's something I've really been struggling with since all the recent changes and the ones looming in the very very near future.

Change is so scary sometimes and I'm faced with so much of it right now. Naps help, so do warm weather, and friends (thank goodness for friends). I feel as though I'm carrying around some kind of weight, and I'm not exactly sure what it is or how to lighten the load.

I suppose part of life is the constant struggle between the light and heavy. Lately I feel like a big fat rock! But an optimistic rock, if that makes any sense.

Modern Nature

Last night I took my sick butt out to do some socializing and what song came on the moment I sat down to eat my falafel? Thunder Road, of course.

I've been having crazy dreams that shake me awake at all hours. I tried so hard to stay up last night to watch Cool Runnings just so I could put off dreaming. Like my whole world revolved around staying up late enough to chuckle myself to sleep with the Jamaican bobsled team, and I couldn't even manage that.

I want to run run run on my trail, but my ankle hurts so bad bad bad.

Jeju sounds like candy ...

I just ordered a bunch of transcripts and talked to a woman on the phone with a gorgeous New Zealand accent about my future. I think I might have inadvertently agreed to live here.

To say that I'm scared is an understatement, but to say that I'm not excited would be a big lie. Whoah Nelly what am I getting myself into!? Shit just got real.

New Pollution

I'm useless right now. No, really I've pretty much ceased to function in any familiar manner.
I have been watching a lot of music videos on YouTube though, I MEAN A LOT.

Remember how crazy Beck was before he actually went crazy and became a Scientologist?

Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate!

edit:
And I just found out my ceramics class is canceled this week. :(

Graveyard Games

Who knew that picking up a bike could be so hard?

Maybe I should just become a ghost and disappear?

Oh Inverted World

I've been treated to amazing food (and people) all week (the leftovers are piling up), and today I go and ruin it all by eating mushroom cup noodles whose "best by" date was November of 2007. I think I'm going to be paying for that later.

Currently I am filling out an "aptitude test" for a school I might be working with. I thought about filling it out later because I'm really tired and should be napping, luckily one of the questions on this 'aptitude' test is as follows:

You turn down invitation to happy hour with co-workers:
0 Always 0 Occasionally 0 Almost Never 0 Never

I'm assuming that since Korea's national past time is drinking that they are not wondering if I am an alcoholic. So I can only assume that this is to test whether or not they will gain a drinking buddy out of this. Does that come with a salary bonus!?

Almost Crimes

I feel arrested. I had a rough and tumble weekend, don't ask me if it was a good thing. ..(it was great). I haven't a clue. I just haven't a clue. I do have a busy week. Too busy to think.

But I did pee on the college of business this weekend, and well you can't NOT feel good about that.

Happy Birthday Samuel Morse.

.. ..-.
-.-- --- ..-
-- .. ... ...
-- .
... ---
-- ..- -.-. ....,
-.. --- ... --- -- . - .... .. -. --. .- -... --- ..- - .. - !

To Create Your Own Light

Two things (for posterity):

1) I will never take antibiotics again in my life. I don't care if the lack of ingestion will kill me. I want to slice off large portions of my body. Yeah, it grosses me out too.

2) All I want is to be a bioluminescent sea creature. Is that so much to ask?

Royal Bangs

Every single year I'm surprised when my birthday rolls around. Weeks before it looms like a dark ship. I wonder about what that number represents. What do people expect from a 25 year old*? I've been on this earth for a quarter of this century. That sounds so old. But people in my life remind me that I'm basically a baby with a little bit of hindsight. I certainly don't feel 25. I don't care about growing older, but something about the officiality of turning one year older makes me fear that number. Everyone asks me what I'm going to do and how I'm going to celebrate and what gifts do I want. I DON'T KNOW. So the days leading up to this anniversary of birth is spent filled with anxiety. I experience a similar phenomenon with New Year's Eve, though I love the idea of "renewal" and starting over, it's the expectations for grand plans that leave me feeling anxious.

But every cold snowy December 31st at the last minute, when we've all decided that there simply isn't anything to do, the night's plans unfold before us. Every year it's something exciting, adventurous, or at the very least entertainingly ridiculous! But unlike New Year's Eve I don't expect anything grand or terribly out of the ordinary on my birthday. I fret because I don't want anyone to feel bad when they forget it even passed. Of course the people in my life are just too good for that. They never forget and this year was not an exception. And that's the surprise every year I seem to be having better and better birthdays. Isn't that illegal after like 21!?

This year I realized that birthdays really aren't something to fret about or get anxious over. No matter who is around or what you are doing it's a cause to pause. Time is ticking, how am I spending it? My new birthday motto is celebrate life, not your impending death. I felt like this year I really did that. My night wasn't all about me, but all about making myself enjoy my night no matter what number someone prescribed to me.

And yeah the free drinks and the gifts and all the super cool kids I met were a really nice perk too. Thanks everyone.

* Who cares right?

Dear Last Unicorn

Why the hell do you do this to yourself?

The Ocean Breathes Salty

Yesterday I ran. I ran so fast and so far. I found myself in the middle of a field and I yelled and I sang and danced to Sublime, Rancid, and Modest Mouse as loud as I could. I was the only one around for a couple of miles and, I didn't have to posture for anyone or apologize for my emotions or pretend that they weren't there.

It felt so good and honest. I was really alone for the first time in a couple of weeks and I felt like I could accomplish anything. I felt like I could be myself. I thought the best thing for me to do was to surround myself with people and let them help me understand this whole mess. I guess I realized in that field that while all the wonderful people and new connections are important this is my mess* and I need to handle it on my own. I hate long distance running, but the space it gave me to think and feel was worth the sweat and sore knees.

*Shameless good friends band promotion. I saw the opportunity and seized it like a lioness.

In other news I've been listening to a lot of music I don't usually listen to to avoid listening to other music, and it's very nice. Building a library is a labour of love.

Karma Repair Kit Items 1-4

Yesterday I played catch in the sun for over an hour with my nephew. I haven't worn a mitt on my sausage fingers since I was fourteen! It was nice. Today I played frolf (frisbee golf) with my brother for the first time ever. I suck, but it was nice to be in the sun. And then I watched the cubs beat the cards (woot). I feel so sporty.

Sunshine helps me not to think so much. Sunshine helps me smile when smiling is harder to come by. Being outside makes me feel more alive. Hot-damn, I'm a real girl!

Tonight might be another story, but I think I'm ready to take it on. BF's are good for that!

Hot-damn.

Le Peep Le Sigh

My inbox has read 666 for the past week and I can't seem to get it to change, it's funny and mildly creepy. Maybe gmail is trying to tell me something ...

Be left today :( but not after we had a long talk about the meaning of meaning. I love that gal, and I really hope I get to see her again before I leave, but she promised to come and visit with J. I'm sort of wigging out (wigging out?) about leaving these past couple of days. Oh man. I wonder if anyone will actually come and visit me? I really (really) hope so. Sigh. I miss everyone already.

Tomorrow is supposed to be warm and sunny. I could really use that. I wish I could go on a forever bike ride that starts in sunshine and ends in the grass on a cool night.

My Life Without Me

This weekend was the most surreal weekend I've had since forever. I am beside myself. It all started en route to the Titus show and got crazy as shit, non-stop the whole weekend. A few highlights:

1) Coming a fraction of a second away from getting in a fist-fight with the coat-check lady from Metro. "Don't mind me I'm just the coat check lady...Get the fuck out of MY coatcheck, no really you have two seconds before I punch you and then call security." Say whaaaaat? We could have taken her out, but we were just too confused as to why we would need to do that ...

2) Turning down Ghiardelli chocolates from a homeless man. Watching said homeless man getting tackled by the police outside the window approx. 30sec later.

3) Sunshine Cleaning, not a light hearted comedy like the previews lead you to believe. Not a good birthday movie. This is the kind of movie where the realities of life start perching atop your shoulders and make you sink slowly into the ground until your telling yourself that this could never be MY life ... right? Right? But it is your life in a way. It's everyon's life. Sets the tone for the rest of the weekend. A morphing ball of sad, happy, and disillusioned.

4) Two words: Hollywood Casino. Casinos are the weirdest most unholy places in the world. Perfect place to spend the first few hours of Easter 2K9.

5) Three words: Hit and RUN! "Hey are you okay?" Man staggering out of car carrying front and back license plates, " No, yes, could you give me a ride?" Uhhhm. Fleeing the scene of an accident anyone? One BMW down, one million to go.

6) The weight of reality finally breaking lil ol' me. The boy, the coatcheck woman, the characters in the movie, the man in his divorce, the gamblers, the drunk driver, my best friend getting older. I just absorbed it all, thusly crying myself to sleep. I woke up in my clothes with snot on my hoody. Keep reminding myself that it's gonna be allright, even for the man with the hit & run on his record.

7) Easter. A gaggle of pre-teen girls calling me agent bumble-bee not believing that I was going to turn 25 in less than ten days. "No, I won't be your partner for the egg hunt, because I'm hiding the eggs." "But you're not a grown up ... want to go play web-kinz and look at pictures of the Jonas Bros?" They cried when I left, tears actually fell from their eyeballs. I felt like a weird ghost of Easter future warning them about the dangers of too much tude' and the glassy stares of the Jonas brothers. They believed me because they thought I was one of them. Was I ever one of them?

8) Awkward encounters on the train because I'm too idealistic and too stubborn to be good at this stuff.

9) Realization that you're going to have to pretend not to care or go bat-crazy. I'm good at pretending.

10) Be and Tor all weekend make me feel like I'm drinking honey lemon tea. You might be sick, but at least you have this great tea to warm you up a bit. Some people don't even have tea. Best friends are somethin' special.

It wasn't a bad weekend, just crazy and too bright and just too much. I'm still reeling from it. I felt like I was stationary while the entire weekend whirled around me. Now, I'm tired. So tired.