Monday, December 31, 2007


I've been composing posts in my head for about a week; Posts about how great the holidays were, about buying local and the general diy culture, about the Bhutto assasination, the weather, the dismal Chicago literary scene etc, but I've been uber busy and doubly tired. Now, it's New Year's Eve and I haven't posted in over a week. Life is wild. My life today is absolutely different in every single way than it was this time last year. 2007 has been a huge year for me ... let's recap:

- finally (completely) got over my VERY unhealthy infatuated love/hate relationship with Tee. And wahoo for that.
- Survived a roommates nervous breakdown (everyone came out better for that, I think)
- Graduated College (huzzah)
- Realized the importance and power of empathy and open communication.
- Aknowledged a lot of good and bad things about who I am as a person. (that's the first step right?)
- Read a lot of stellar books
- Got serious about my writing (I'm still working on that)
- Embarked on my first semi-healthy relationship
- Got my heart punched up a bit
- Made some tough but really good decisions concerning patience and empathy
- Fell in love!!!
- Embarked on my first serious(ly) wonderful, healthy, happy, and supportive relationship. (wahooooooo)
- Moved into my first non-collge apartment (tough stuff)
- Began my first full-time job!
- Gained about ten pounds! (Love poundage!)
- Gave my first reading and got my work published for the first time.

All in all it was a crazy and awesome year. At times I wanted to shoot myself and other times jump for joy. I think that's a pretty damn good balance. Now ladies and gentleman, New Year's Resolutions! Love'em, hate'em, here they are:
(in no particular order)

Stop going to McDonald's
Buy Local and handmade as much as possible (paying a little extra for sustainable quality goods that don't pollute the environment is worth the money in my books!)
Travel somewhere outside of the Midwest
Start sending my writing out to Journals again, continue to attend literary and arts events.
Work on patience in everything I do.

Hmm I think their are more, but that's all I got for now. Be safe this New Year's Eve and have fun. I promise to write more regularly in January.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Daylight Come and Me Wanna Go Home!

It is late (1:37 a.m.). I never stay up this late anymore. Today has been funny, but I'm in a ridiculously good mood. Just ordered a gift for someone, and I'm really excited about it. I don't think it will make it in time (stupid Chicago mail!), but I'm pretty sure it's worth the wait. Gift giving is fun. Like laughing your pants off. I did a lot of that tonight. Laughing and gift purchasing respectively.

I bought banana chips tonight and now my mouth feels like a warm tropical day. I should eat in bed more often. Maybe I'm sleepy now ...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

You are Happy, Impatient Wretch

I think we make a good team.
I think I can do things that make me happy.
I think that 2007 was an interesting year (too early for a retrospective?)
I think I still have a lot to learn, about everything.
I think I need to read more.
I think I've gotten my problem about thinking too much under control (most of the time).
I'll bring home the tofurkey if you bring home your bacon.

This weekend was a good weekend. The big party went well, and I think most people involved had a pretty good time. It was money and time well spent. My hair is getting long, and I'm only getting shorter. I haven't felt very inspired lately. BUT, this always happens in winter. I just want to curl up and think of a million ways to get warm. At least I'm not all mopey and irritable. Though, I do think that one of my New Year's revolutions (revolutions was typo, I meant resolutions, but hey why not a revolution) should be to regain my patience. I used to be soooo patient; People would compliment me on my sheer amounts of patience with difficult things/people.

Now, I feel like people are sort of afraid of pissing me off, due to my extreme lack of patience. I think I know where this came from ... I don't think patience is a virtue, it's something much more estimable. I want to be someone you want to be around. I think that frustration has been running my life for a while. I've been caught up in acknowledging the things that are wrong with my world and terrifying about the world at large. I used to revel in everyday beauty and awe. Perhaps, I was naive, but I think I can maintain a healthful balance of awe and anger. Awe makes me appreciate things and anger/frustration makes me want to enact change. I suppose too much of either is poison.

This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Walking in the Sand

Last night I watched a showcase of experimental films. They were flicker films, and as far as I understand the "flicker" means a few things. The actual flicker is achieved by the use of Super 8 and 16mm film, you know the reel to reel they used to show Driver's Ed movies. The main idea behind the flicker film "genre" is trying to break the viewer's narrative, visual, and audio expectations widely accepted in commercial film.

I didn't really dig on any of the films, but the viewing sparked and stimulated a very good "EL" conversation about the meanings and reasons for creating avant-garde art. The likes that I haven't seen since I was an art major. It was really nice, and tied in nicely with what I've been pondering lately about my own art.

Also, Also, I'm watching a ganster movie (I don't know the title Ray Liotta and Al Pacino are stars?), it is highly uncharacteristic of me, but it is pretty interesting. Lot's of guns and blood and coke.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


What does it feel like to be leaving, I wonder. What is it to stay?
Does a journey with no end really exist?
Is existing a seasonal journey?
Who asked the first question?

What miscommunications would we encounter in our everyday life if the question mark (and corresponding vocal inflection) never existed?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


I can't decide if I should take a writing class in January for $280 at Truman (Chicago Community College) or for $630 at the Art Institute. Different caliber, different communities. All I know is that I need to be a bit more proactive. Also, maybe I need to get a cheap car. I don't really like to deal with driving and all the pains that come with it, but maybe that would make me get out more. I don't know. Maybe I could just suck it up and get a bike helmet ...

Big party this weekend. It should be fun. Lots of preparation fun.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Land Lubber

"There’s something pure and infinite in you, that WANTS to come out of you, and can come out of no other person on the planet. That’s what you’ve got to share, and that’s as real and important as the fact that you’re alive. We were able, at a really young age, to somehow protect each other so we could feel that. The world at large, careerism, money, magazines, your parents, the people at the rock club in your town, other kids, nothing is going to give you that message, necessarily. In fact, most things are going to lead you away from it, sadly, because humanity is really confused at the moment. But you wouldn’t exist if the universe didn’t need you. And any time I encounter something beautiful that came out of a human somewhere, that’s them, that’s their own soul. That’s just pure, whatever its physicality is, if the person can play piano, if they can’t play piano, if they’re tone deaf, whatever it is, if it’s pure, it hits you like a sledgehammer. It fills up your own soul, it makes you want to cry, it makes you glad you’re alive, it lets YOU come out of YOU. And that’s what we need: we desperately need YOU"

- Julian Kostner

I stole this from my roommate's wall of quotations. I needed to read something like this. I've been coming to terms with imperfection. For a long time I was obsessed with the idea of becoming really good at something. I jumped from project to project trying to find the thing that I was naturally good at, or (even worse) better than most people at. That bad habit, only led to frustration and quitting a lot of things.
I felt inadequate.
Lately (through existential crisis and patient conversations) I've realized that it's okay to suck at things. I don't give myself a chance. So from henceforth, I'm okaying with sucking. Just because I'm tone deaf, doesn't mean I shouldn't sing. I don't know, I feel like this is the key to unlocking my personal greatness. Everything is a journey and I need to learn to not be so damn impatient.

I also followed directions on a business card someone gave me about a month ago. I discovered something else I really need, and I don't know why I waited so long. I got caught up in fear. It's debilitating. But now I'm embarking on what appears to be an epic adventure.

(I also went swimming last night, wahooooooo)

Monday, December 03, 2007


It's already December. How did that happen?
It should be a pretty fun month.
I'm going swimming tomorrow. I can't wait.
I think I might have the best boyfriend in the universe, and I wish I got to see him more.

I have a crush on Vincent Gallo, again.
Someone recommend me a good poetry book ...