Monday, February 23, 2009

Dreamt of a Fever

I've been meaning to post something everyday for the past week. My head has been filled with all kinds of knives. Winter is dragging itself out like an eternal snow, and I swear come homelessness this is the last Midwestern winter that I will bear for the next five years of my life. I wasn't engineered in such an absurd way. I will never love snow so long as it touches the ground.

I'm itchy, restless, pale, and tired.

Slightly more interesting:
I missed the Oscars. I dig the Oscars. They are one of the only live things left on television and that usually proves to be at the very least amusing. But mostly, I rrreallly love movies. Did you know this about me? I do, so much. I also like to see all the people made up all classy like. I hope I have a chance once in my life to get all gussied up like that! Anyway long story short, Slumdog Millionaire took the cake and I couldn't be happier. It's a great movie, good story, full of (now famous) unknowns, and it showcases India one of my favorite countries to dream about/accents to hear. But of course I never pay attention to time so I missed the ceremony, oh well there's always next year.

Much more interesting:
Chicago Freedom to Marry Actions. Everyone is all pissed about California, but what about the other 51 states? Kudos to the sit in at the Cook County Department of Vital Records that place doesn't look like it should have anything to do with love and marriage! Second class citizenship sucks and it's unacceptable. Come over I will make you a marriage license and it will be waaay better than anything the Vital Records dept. could stamp out!

ASIDE: Beautiful monuments stand for beautiful ideas, but they're just ideas. Paraphrased, I just heard that on t.v. and that is why I love Anthony Bourdain. DC Mothafuckas!

On a sad note: I stubbornly upgraded my iTunes and now it doesn't work at all! Of course it has to stop working when I just acquired a great deal of music that needs to soothe my wintersad ears.

Finally: I've carved out a spot for your head in my lap. I will stroke your hair and muff my fears. I promise not to fart. I can't promise that, but I promise to always have a lap for your head to rest on when it gets too heavy.

Who can help me with iTunes, because it is not Apple. :(

For the finale? A passage from a book that I just finished. A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishmael Beah. It is heart achy and eye opening.

"The street that a minute before had been filled with banners and noise was now a silent graveyard full of restless souls fighting to reconcile their sudden deaths."

One of the better blocks of text I've read in a long time.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Love me Like a Rock

Last night I hosted a very delicious and successful pre-vday potluck. I have a typewriter in my bedroom and this was written on the paper: There once was a big boner that met a smaller boner in the gardens of Sicily. It was super weird when they shook hands.

I have no idea who typed it, but it made me laugh a lot this morning. Ha ha, I have totally neat (and weird) friends.

And this:

Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Shake Notes

My wisdom tooth is poking through and it hurts to smile and eat and live. I'm also rrreally tired even though I fell asleep at approx. 11:30 last night. My left tonsil looks like Freddy Kreuger, and I think I have an ear infection.

On a brighter note, tomorrow will be sixty degrees and sunny which will undoubtedly melt my pains away. And announced tonight at the Grammys ... Blink-182 is back, this makes me happy mostly because it makes a certain someone I totally dig (I bet he's listening to them right now) and many of his friends giddy as school girls! I wonder when tour dates are going to be released?

Also, five day weekend, wah-freakin-hoooo.

I'm Ready For Take Off.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Preternatural Longings, the Skin of My Emotions

Lately I've been contemplating the meaning of life. I know it's a lofty pursuit, but for the first time I'm approaching the question honestly shedding preconceived notions that have been force fed to me. By meaning of life I mean to figure out MY meaning. Aside from why the hell humans exist, I need to figure why The Last Unicorn exists. What are my goals in life, what is (for lack of a better term) my destiny.

I've shed the remaining shards of my decidedly (though self-motivated) religious up-bringing. I respect religion (to a certain extent) and am thankful for its part in my life. I don't think I would be the woman I am today without that sojourn into something much larger than myself. Some of my fondest adolescent memories are from my many summers at church camp. So a theistic angle is not my motivation for getting up in the morning. I could get into why, but that's an entirely separate blog entry. Suffice it to say that I won't live my life by fear and guilt.

With that said let's move on to the almost as holy as god pursuit MONEY! Well that's a moot point. I hate money. I think the wage system is slavery. I got a college degree so I can work as a nanny and volunteer ha ha! I need money to eat and hopefully to travel. Anything else is just icing on the cake. If money becomes my life pursuit I give you fair readers permission to shoot me dead. Just don't spend too much moola on a funeral!

Next up on the docket, spreading my seed (look I've got seeds too, I just don't shoot them out of my wiener). With that said, I don't have a burning moral need to pro-create. Yes, I am a woman and cannot completely ignore the human biological need to make a baby and nurture the hell out of it, BUT I will ignore this as best as I can. If I can't NOT nurture I'll adopt. It's a lot easier than you think! But alas, at this juncture in my life having my babies till dinner time is all the nurturing I need. That and bugging my boyfriend about eating his fruits and vegetables! There are literally millions of Perez's in the world who are making plenty of babies so I think I'm cool with my 'name' living on (that's so hokey anyway). So a mother I may be someday (maybe to a guinea pig), but it is not my priority and/or life pursuit. Though I respect that some women contend to the fact that they were born to be mothers (isn't anyone born to be a father?).

I don't see myself obsessively pursuing any one subject (as my interests tend to ebb and flow like crazy). I am committed to the idea of alleviating the needless suffering of humans and animals, but this is true, I am only one woman. Eventually I may devote much of my time to some kind of social or medical not for profit work, but that is only a means not an end. I will never end suffering, prejudice, or wrong doing. It will always be what I do, not who I am.

Am I searching for knowledge? Well of course, but nothing is absolute what is true today may not be true tomorrow. I think that knowledge is the key to viewing each other in a truly human way and ignorance is dehumanizing. But knowledge gaining is an inevitable part of life, in many ways it is a very unconscious pursuit. Sure I will always seek new perceptions and blurbs of enlightenment, but when asked what I want to do with my life saying that I've accumulated a wealth of knowledge would be silly. Like money, on my death bed what is all this knowledge going to get me? All I can ask from knowledge is the opportunity to live an honest and clarified life.

What are my personal motivations for living?

My ideal life is a combination of constantly seeking beauty in the world and (all) people, good food, good company, decreasing suffering when I can, and ultimately resolving inner conflict.

I feel as though resolving inner conflict is the only thing that will truly benefit me during my life and also on my death bed. Did I live the best life I could? Do I have regrets? Was I a good friend sister mother lover? Is that my main life pursuit? Perhaps my destinies are many and my 'meaning' an ever changing wraith, but in the end have I resolved the conflicts that lie within my mind, because perhaps all of life is an elaborate series of contrivances to distract you from the fact that you are dieing so all that really matters is how you feel about your self and actions.

That may sound self-absorbed but the beauty of the resolution of inner conflict is that you are your harshest critic. If my actions don't align with my feelings I must ACT to RESOLVE. The magic of living is that when meaning is in the hand of the beholder it can be fantastic, adventurous, and well always meaningful (if you so deem it)! So is it okay not to have a solid graspable measurable life goal? Or am I just a weirdo? What is your life pursuit? Your greater purpose?

Oh, I don't know, ha ha. Maybe I will change my mind about all this tomorrow or be struck by an all consuming tangible purpose! For now I'll count down the days until spring.

John Updike died on January 27th and I didn't find out until yesterday. His short story "A&P" moved me as a very young adult. I can say that I've never read anything else by him, but the narrator of "A&P's" quiet rebellion has always resonated with me. RIP, mister, thanks for instilling in me the courage to take a "stand for [my] version of what is right, [in the] face of disappointment."

Carpe Diem, chumps!

Monday, February 02, 2009

At a Distance

I'm reading three books right now that I really dig. How often does that happen? I neglected books and music and that makes me dishonest with myself and sort of a jerk. Ha ha, at least I've acknowledged this fact.

I'm pining for springs and things that are abstract and distant. All I want is a little warmth and sun.

I have a precious lot of vintage dresses that I intend to offer up in a clothing swap. If you know me, you know how much these mean to me. Fact stated, I'm trying to figure out what that means to me. Maybe I just need new old dresses.

It's so hard to be spontaneous in winter. Everything is harder in the winter. How does one go about revolting the winter (besides going south). Who says we weren't meant to hibernate? Wake up honey, it's spring, did you sleep well? Let's go forage and frolic in the water!

Okay I'm getting tired.
Four things to get excited about this week: 1. Using the pottery wheel (for the first time ever) in ceramics class. 2. Surprise visitor from Turkey! 3. Seeing my sister act in a play as a zombie (how cool is that?) 4. TITUS ANDRONICUS show at Logan Square auditorium!!