Wednesday, May 30, 2007

They think that we're disposable!

I learned my lesson. I know how to treat the things that people delicately hand you.
K is for kalling it all off
A is for adding it all up (again and again and again)
R is for remembering every single detail that you'd like to forget.
M is for manning the dinghy
A is for allowing yourself not think that somehow your lifeboat is deflated.
whoa whoa whoah!

So this week is flying by crazy fast and tomorrow is Chicago with the boys (oh how I've missed you boys). We are going to see rock & roll music that makes me feel lively (alive). The day after that I get to see sad music that makes me feel happy (go fig) with the other boy. Then off to my old haunts (with new faces and dance steps on the ground) to see many girls and boys who make me feel sane in a crazy world. I don't know when I'll be back, which is always a nice feeling. I am hopeful and excited and eager.

Yesterday I had a day off and sat in my backyard and read and talked to friends. My whole body became painted with a slight tinge of rosy red. It hurts so good. Then I made amends and had a lovely sleepover. I almost failed myself. I almost gave in to what's easiest, but I know what's best for Jess and it ain't "Oh Jess this and this and this..."

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Duel Personality?

This weekend was good. A far cry from the last. This is a good sign. Blah blah everything gets better with time, even summers. Okay I get it, but that doesn't mean I can't get a little sad about missing the ones that I'd like to spend time with the most. Fortunately some of those people are right here in my town and others came to see me and others still I went to visit. I hope the ones I cannot get to are having a lovely summer, I hope they know they are in my thoughts. (I hope you know I'm thinking of you I hope you think about me too) I've done so much this weekend. It was a long one, sweet Thursday to sunny Monday.

The adventure and escape I am looking for may have manifested itself in the lovely island of Costa Rica!! Holy moly I know. The woman I nanny for asked me the other day how I feel about travel. I said I love traveling though as a college student I haven't gotten to do it as much as I'd like (well I didn't say it exactly like that). She said well the kids were born in Costa Rica and I'd like to go in July for two weeks. If I were to pay for your ticket and expenses and of course for your time down there would you be interested?

Would I be interested?

I went to the Memorial day parade to see my sister color guard. Ran into a lot of people in a good way. I was glad. I felt good. Not my usual awkward self. Though a weird thing happened, the sound of bagpipes nearly brought me to tears. Actually I was in tears but had to hide them like the Dickens so as to avoid any odd familial glares or expected explanation. Bagpipes amaze me and may be the saddest instrument. It was bizarre to say the least. Also, right after the bagpipes there was a somber float dedicated to the memory of three young soldiers. Killed in Iraq. And the float directly after the memorial was one touting the benefits of enlisting: GoArmy ra ra ra! It made me sick, and embarrassed. There is nothing I despise more than a man in uniform. A family a couple down from me yelled out to every float thank you oh thank you! I wondered what they were thanking them for. Defending freedom, keeping gas prices down, ensuring America stays the wealthiest nation? Veteran's I will gladly thank.

Anyone from this "war" does not receive my blessing or my national pride. This is not a war of freedom or allies. If I had the medical expertise I would go to Iraq and take care of all the innocent people torn apart in this war of egos. What the hell are they fighting for? What crosses through their mind when they ransack an already derelict village? Many issues I am willing to see both sides, weigh out the pros and cons, but with this I see no sides. I see death and destruction to everyone involved. When it comes to fighting a question less war I am the purest idealist the world has ever seen.

p.s. natural deodorant is not cutting it, and Pringles new guacamole chips are stinking delicious. The week looks promising and the weekend even more so. I also am getting a haircut, wahoo, no more mop head!

make love not war. bake muffins. go shopping. organize an anarchist's collective. paint rainbows. read books. do cartwheels until you puke. pretty much anything except ...

love and joy, getting happier and more tan by the moment,
Last Unicorn

People come and People go

The contest called for the saddest music in the world. All of a sudden everyone started playing their instruments, furiously as if they played them to live and breathe. They bled. It reminded me of something I don't know what, it would come to me later in a dream.

If you're sad and you like beer, I'm your lady.
Everybody wants to pass judgement. Everyone has an opinion. I've even got my own
A friend of death once told me: I had not left with what I came here for.

He also said, "Tell me your secrets."
I refused.
My computer tells me secrets and sends me messages that I don't want to hear. I think it would be similar. So I keep mum. A habit I picked up as a child living in a house of storytellers and thieves. I hum a little tune to jog his memory, something with strings and a lot of wind, though it's not the saddest song. It's also not particularly happy.

I start to sing the song with my voice like a train:
Let's go back to 1965
Let's go back to when everything felt fine.
Let's go back to a place where hearts and hands and hair was held tight.

I get interrupted, with more advice:
Introduction: How to be happy.
Step1: Love
Step2: Laugh
I interrupt with my two sense
No one says anything about guarding against pestilence and lies. loss of things. things that haunt you while you are gardening or asleep or in the clutches of suburban traffic. No one tells you how to move on or maintain a sense of that which once made you happy.
Look at your life: Does your lifestyle make you happy?
What is happiness? What is authenticity? What is true bliss? What is seeing? Many people are happy that do not lead happy lifestyles I.E. spotted raccoons and ferrets that are de scented. Listen to happy music eat happy food taste happy drinks think happy thoughts. They say.
How to dilute your very being: Two parts self help to three parts delusion with a dash of denial.

But friend of a friend of a friend: I'm not sad. I don't think I must be happy. I am sad. I think I want to be Happy. I'm not happy nor am I sad. I'm not neutral. I'm not troubled. I may be trouble.

At the end of the contest tears augmented our laughter. It was the saddest music in the world, but we were two happy to cry for more than the length of the piece. We forgave each other; me for not telling my secrets, and he for not letting me ask more questions. We hugged and shoved and then swam in an infinite sea sparkling like the hope diamond. But we never forgot about the contest for the saddest music in the world, and we never forgot the day I sang like a train.

After the contest and the longest swim they'd drift apart one going north and the other south (naturally). They were always connected by the thin silver thread of a child's imagination. They felt the rise and fall of one another's chests and death thought himself a matchmaker.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

It's the time of the season

Today I went on literally the best bike ride of my life.
Tunes: Everything from Explosions in the Sky to The Zombies.

Five minutes into the balmy ride the sky opened up and rain sprinkled down on me.
I thought about turning around. Then the sprinkle turned into a down pour.
It felt gooooood. Great. Refreshing. Intense. I was soaked to the very marrow.
My glasses were flooded so I tucked them between the girls. I was blind as a bone.
The wind whipped my hair around and my smile knocked over trees.
I pedaled as fast as I could. I pedaled right through that thunderstorm.
On top of the great red bridge I stood above the world. A beautiful man passed by:
slowed slowed slowed down. Smiled. "You're wet," he says. I nod grow red like a cherry and pedal away fast fast faster still.

After the rain no one is left on the trail but me and the great gusts.

So I sing. At the top of my lungs. I could keep this up for days, I think. But people might worry so I turn round for the ride home. I promise myself to bring a camera next time because I haven't seen such beauty manifest itself in nature for seasons. Or perhaps it was always there, but I was too fast and hard to notice. When I think the ride can get no better ... I stop quietly.
which if you know the ways of The Last Unicorn quietitude is a great feat.
Two young deer, not five feet from me. A couple. A buck and a doe. No fence or bars seperating us. Holy stinking moly.

When did The Last Unicorn become such a nature lover? Hell if I know, but I won't deny that it amazes me. I won't deny the absolute awe that the wild inspires in me. The perfect ending to this lovely night would be a forty around the fire. But alas I am tired and must work early. Sleep is nice and I once again dream with the best of em.

Tonight I've decided two things:
1) Next summer I want to go to Mexico (it's so underrated).
2) This summer my goal is to learn Hotel Yorba on the guitar.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Richness of Textures

I've got teal paint all over my fingers.

Best friend is back and I love her and her company and all the glorious things that come with her presence. Three friends from school have called in the last couple of days to hang out (makes me smile this (sweeping arm motion) big). I miss I miss I miss. I just found out Andrew Bird was in Squirrel Nut Zippers. Makes me love him even more. I get paid on Friday.

Rock & Roll garage sale this weekend, trip to Westmont, and possibly the city.

In terms of music, I have renewed joy in Hank Williams (SR). I think he's my dream man. And my brother tuned my gee-tar, she sounds sexy.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Let's blow this pop stand ... in two months when I have enough money saved up.

The suburbs hold nothing for me.

On a happier note: Best Friend has arrived, and The Last Unicorn once again became, "Nanny" Last Unicorn (lil El is darling and they pay me well).
Furthermore I am slowly coming to the important realization that it's okay not to have roots in a town where I don't feel I really belong. I know where my friends are, and when I am ready I will go to them. For now best friend and a few other will lament over how Aurora is a rogue town where both yuppies and gangsters go to spread their bad seed. I feel this idea of isolationism in the transition from a home back to "home" is common among youth. Damn me for wanting to be around people that I feel are going to change the world, or who just plain make me happy. Where are all the champions in Aurora? where.

Ahh they've probably all run off to the big city. Dear me I'm on my way.

Oh one more, I've begun a stunning book that makes me remember why it is important to write: Wittgenstein's Mistress. It is about a woman that may or may not be (is she mad?) the last person on earth. It is dense yes, but intriguing.

P.S. Do I abuse the ellipses?

(photo by the illustrious Ruth Bernhard, check her out)

Monday, May 21, 2007

you win some you lose some ...

This weekend was tough. I don't know why, but it was. It was silly of me to think that all this would be easy.

Home while refreshing is already becoming stifling. My family, though lovely, leads a very different lifestyle than I do. My mum still views me as the little girl who rarely showered, thought it would be "neat" to work at Wal-Mart, and was infinitely unaware of her surroundings. It's a constant battle to get her to believe otherwise, and don't even get me started on my diet. Bless my dad's soul every single day around dinner time he says something along the lines of, "well since you don't eat meat I'll make some chicken instead of those steaks. You eat chicken right?" I don't know how many times I've heard my mother pipe in, "Well you used to like it."

I also used to want to be fairy scientist and drink copious amounts of restaurant creamer.

Home is weird, but not all bad. I miss my friends a whole whole lot (why does everyone have to be so far away??). But the nature here makes it all worth it. Most days I feel as though I'm going to jump right out of my skin, but all I have to do is step outside walk (or bike) down the path and my mood lightens. Yesterday I saw a big fat beaver. We noticed each other at the same time. I stopped in my tracks and we just stared each other down. I swear that bastard smiled at me, and then went on arranging sticks. It was pretty magnificent.

On the way of everything else: I gave out my connection code. As soon as I did I wanted to ask for it back. What can I say I'm going through an anti-social bout. Or well yeah a bout of bruised organs. Ha ha oh well. I never pick up my phone anyway. I like trees better than boys. Except for tall beans I'm so damn glad we reconnected in our platitude. I picked up my guitar for the first time basically since I received it as a gift ... my first and third fingers throb with the intensity of a million hot pokers, but I can play three whole songs (wahooo). What would I do without music in all its glorious forms?

One of my most beloved writer's, John Updike, once said, "Once you begin a gesture it is fatal not to go through with it."

I just realized I've only been home for not even two full weeks. It flew by, but I was certain it had been longer. So it didn't really fly by. Time has got me fucked.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Surfer Rosa, "Rabble Rabble."

Last night I drank coronas and watched Saw III with my mom. Tehee what a weird and wonderful bonding experience.

I got tipsy with the ol lady and topped the night of by chumming with old friends. First time I've drank since school, and I'm glad I started it off with the momma. A friendship grows there, and I will gladly bring on the rains if it will ensure a good harvest.

Today I woke early (I mean EARLY) and rummaged. Purchased sunny cups for mere quarters.

I have much to do and little to say. I broke out the paints and I plan on once again letting my hands take control. Also, I decided to try my "hand" at refinishing furniture.

I want to post before and after pictures ... we'll see how that goes. Could be The Last Unicorn biting off more than she can stew. Often guilty never sentenced. Whatever that means!

Ninette is getting married, and I get to watch. Holy Moly.

Nothing too poetic to say, but I have been seeing things in folky ways: Sonnets, Protests, and Experimental apropos. I will copy and paste and paste and copy soon.


Thursday, May 17, 2007

My war paint is sharpie ink

Today I ate chinese food. My waiter had the best mohawk of time. It made me smile so big, the food was good too. I didn't even get a tummy ache. I ALWAYS get a tummy ache.

Last night I had long conversations about living unconventional lives, then I learned how to play high notes on the trumpet. I'm so awful, but that too made me smile.

I get to go to starved rock on Sunday and I'm pretty jazzed. Let's cross our legs for good weather. I want to hike the hell out of that place. I've been writing off and on, but the words just come in fragments of ideas, felt feelings and recycled dreams. I'm sure that won't last for too long.

I finished a book today, it was complete mental masturbation, I won't even divulge the title ... I need a summer book list, badly. Any ideas?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Inch by Inch

Today on a bike I strove for better things.
The rain pelted us and we pedaled at full force.
The color wheel composed entirely of green smattered our faces and penetrated our hearts.
My skin stung and I couldn't deny I was alive.

I started that ride with a wave of frustration, but my mind was laid at ease within the first thirty yards. The smells wove around me, and dragged away my sullen mood. It was cool and calming. I couldn't hold onto the surliness if I tried.

I started my day early. It felt good to not be hung over and tired. No pressing place to go. I woke naturally. I read in bed, a delicacy I had not consumed for nearly two years. Eventually I rolled out of bed, stretched, and went outside. Ahh cool lazy mornings. Dog nipped and chased a baby bunny. Early in the morning the koi are hungry and not afraid to swim near the surface. They are a bunch of overfed fattys! I wondered what it would feel like to grab one. Knowing me, I'd end up falling in.

After that I picked at an apple and settled down to watch The Sun Also Rises. I had read my first Hemingway this time last year (coincidentally The Sun Also Rises). I didn't know what to think then, and I'm not sure what I think now. I should like to make friends with Ernest.
"Fishing Fighting and Fucking. That's all you need for a good story (indirect quotation)."
There is a lot of repressed emotion in his work that allows for a heavy silence. I like his style, but I'm not sure how much I love his characters. In the movie Lady Brett looked nothing like I had imagined. Book to movie or vice/versa is always a weird transistion. I'm interested and somehow compelled nonetheless.

This evening I listened to steady rhythms and virtuoso movements. I am enjoying this time, but I feel the stirrings of my wild side aimlessly ambling, marking days till I am ready to let loose a bit. For the sake of everyone I strive to keep my "sides" stitched tight in corsets and closed doors. At least for a little while...

Best Friend, hurry up and get back into the country.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Loose Lips Long Summer

I've been neglectful sweet blogspot. I've been busy. Very busy, but I'm done. I'm home now, or something like a home. I get to sleep on an air mattress all summer, but it's nice to have family in one place.
Now I have the prestige. Not that I wanted it or really cared about it. I ran into a friend the day after grad. ceremony she said, "You! Last unicorn always the rebel, walking was the worst decision I've ever made in my college career. They treated us like a heard of cattle, it was ninety degrees in there!" I hung out with the Last Unicorn clan instead, we ate ice cream and watched movies, it made me smile.

*Just a moment ago, I lied ... I'm not sure how much I wanted it, but eventually I cared.


This summer (no more fifty page media audits!) I get to save up to live in the big ol' city, and start my lovely job. I get to smile at beards and take long walks with glasses, that should be interesting as well. I still don't feel the slightest bit like a grown up. More kid like than a kid. bizarre. Also, I might get to take fun trips to see special people (I never thought Ohio would be calling my name). Fun.

and swimming and reading and napping and playing with friends.

Tonight felt old and good, day one, thrift stores estate sales and playing guitar around a bonfire mmmm my summer is here

The semester ended in a funny way, but the summer started out like a long lost friend. I had thousands of things to say to thousands of people, but I was tired of talking and even more tired of thinking. I was weary of smiling at people when I wasn't happy. Assuring everyone I would be fine in everyway. Now I don't have to put up any fronts. True here, I don't smile as much as I did, but when I do it's not a lie. I'm still decompressing from a year of living life in a huge way. I need a little rest before I start living crazy again in the big ol' city!

I finally just did my federal taxes, ha ha always a procrastinator. Oh well. My head hurts from not drinking eight cups of coffee a day. Somehow it feels less healthy to not down the dark liquid. Hopefully I will be a good little writer and update regularly. As for that thing, the other, I try my best not to think about it because I want to retain a sense of joy and understanding.
I'll just keep my memories tucked warmly away in the back of my pumping organs, because no one (I mean no one) understands and for once in my life words won't help a damned thing.

p.s. why did Nixon hate the counterculture so much?

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Or so it goes ...

The end of 16 weeks of insomnia. Last night I slept. I've gained sleep but lost my appetite. Sleep is more gratifying. She said please have a piece of toast with your tea. I remember why I love her, but then I never really forgot. I slept with the ferocity of 30,000 tinkling bells. I was a rock and moss had grown on my chest and toes. I dreamt silly dreams, and when I woke something was different. I was different. That night my mind and heart had an epic battle. I won't tell you who won.

I was ready for change. I just didn't expect it so quickly. Everything changing. I am finally ready to take the next step. There have been gains and losses and emotional currency changing hands. In the end it has all evened out. No deficit and no surplus. It could be worse. I don't know what kind of life I've lived today, and I'm not sure about tomorrow. I do know that I'm doing the best that I can. I'm alive. I feeeeeeeeeeel. I know I'm not broken. I know how to make things work.

I know I know hey guys I know, but I don't got it all fig-ured out. No not even sorta nope. I think that's quite lovely and okay. At the begining of this week I thought I saw the last shred of my optimism fly out the window, but at the last minute I grabbed it. Now I will guard it with the highest of walls and the fiercest intellect.

All of this provided there still is a sadness that pervades my time left in this spot. I knew I couldn't stay in one spot for too long. I knew I couldn't hang on to anyone or anything for too long. Not now, too much has to be done this summer. But still I thought I had the highest card. She had trumped my ace. Somewhere in an old dirty desk far away she pulled out a higher card, one we had all forgotten about for a while. It was a dirty move, but I'm a fair player.

I understand. I wish I didn't, and I wish neither of us ever had to know, but we do. Intimately. If ex-lover had pulled such a move I would be a little wiry mess. I would become that brat he made me be; I would soak up every bit of it like a greedy parson. Actually he did and I immediately dropped the amazing magical boy I was dating (twice). No explanation, I just stopped returning his calls. Holy shit retrospect and parallelism.

Well, we all know how that worked out. All parties involved were miserable and bruised and had to nurse battered organs, mostly because I was reckless and thoughtless. Wow, I've come a long way. The Last Unicorn is a little more human now than she was before. Maybe that's why the anger is gone. Maybe that's why with sad eyes, I can understand this. Understand time, healing, and those that take a hold of your guts and won't let go. I also understand what it feels like when you finally free yourself of the hold. It allowed me to carry on like a happy little kid for nearly five months.

eye change. eye grow. eye know.

and still and still I know what I see, and that's a certain kind of beauty that can't be reproduced. a certain kind of tenderness that only the two of us can know. it will never be the same again, no mister it can be much better. you can't see it now but I do, as long as one of us sees it we'll be alright. and if my vision is off or if I get sidetracked we'll let some time pass. it began without words and if it's to continue we'll know...

p.s. Best friend got into intended school, another step towards co-habitation in the big city! Yea, it's always more fun the second time around!
Also, last night I watched Harriet the Spy (cheer up kid, kind of movie), and I realized ... I AM Harriet the Spy!

Ole Golly: You know what? You're an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it's gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life.
Harriet M. Welsch: I want to remember everything. And I want to know everything.
Ole Golly: Well, you must realize, Harriet, knowing everything won't do you a bit of good unless you use it to put beauty in this world. True or false?
Harriet M. Welsch: True.

True. Okay now, I'm gonna go graduate from college.