Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Or so it goes ...

The end of 16 weeks of insomnia. Last night I slept. I've gained sleep but lost my appetite. Sleep is more gratifying. She said please have a piece of toast with your tea. I remember why I love her, but then I never really forgot. I slept with the ferocity of 30,000 tinkling bells. I was a rock and moss had grown on my chest and toes. I dreamt silly dreams, and when I woke something was different. I was different. That night my mind and heart had an epic battle. I won't tell you who won.

I was ready for change. I just didn't expect it so quickly. Everything changing. I am finally ready to take the next step. There have been gains and losses and emotional currency changing hands. In the end it has all evened out. No deficit and no surplus. It could be worse. I don't know what kind of life I've lived today, and I'm not sure about tomorrow. I do know that I'm doing the best that I can. I'm alive. I feeeeeeeeeeel. I know I'm not broken. I know how to make things work.

I know I know hey guys I know, but I don't got it all fig-ured out. No not even sorta nope. I think that's quite lovely and okay. At the begining of this week I thought I saw the last shred of my optimism fly out the window, but at the last minute I grabbed it. Now I will guard it with the highest of walls and the fiercest intellect.

All of this provided there still is a sadness that pervades my time left in this spot. I knew I couldn't stay in one spot for too long. I knew I couldn't hang on to anyone or anything for too long. Not now, too much has to be done this summer. But still I thought I had the highest card. She had trumped my ace. Somewhere in an old dirty desk far away she pulled out a higher card, one we had all forgotten about for a while. It was a dirty move, but I'm a fair player.

I understand. I wish I didn't, and I wish neither of us ever had to know, but we do. Intimately. If ex-lover had pulled such a move I would be a little wiry mess. I would become that brat he made me be; I would soak up every bit of it like a greedy parson. Actually he did and I immediately dropped the amazing magical boy I was dating (twice). No explanation, I just stopped returning his calls. Holy shit retrospect and parallelism.

Well, we all know how that worked out. All parties involved were miserable and bruised and had to nurse battered organs, mostly because I was reckless and thoughtless. Wow, I've come a long way. The Last Unicorn is a little more human now than she was before. Maybe that's why the anger is gone. Maybe that's why with sad eyes, I can understand this. Understand time, healing, and those that take a hold of your guts and won't let go. I also understand what it feels like when you finally free yourself of the hold. It allowed me to carry on like a happy little kid for nearly five months.

eye change. eye grow. eye know.

and still and still I know what I see, and that's a certain kind of beauty that can't be reproduced. a certain kind of tenderness that only the two of us can know. it will never be the same again, no mister it can be much better. you can't see it now but I do, as long as one of us sees it we'll be alright. and if my vision is off or if I get sidetracked we'll let some time pass. it began without words and if it's to continue we'll know...

p.s. Best friend got into intended school, another step towards co-habitation in the big city! Yea, it's always more fun the second time around!
Also, last night I watched Harriet the Spy (cheer up kid, kind of movie), and I realized ... I AM Harriet the Spy!

Ole Golly: You know what? You're an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it's gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life.
Harriet M. Welsch: I want to remember everything. And I want to know everything.
Ole Golly: Well, you must realize, Harriet, knowing everything won't do you a bit of good unless you use it to put beauty in this world. True or false?
Harriet M. Welsch: True.

True. Okay now, I'm gonna go graduate from college.


jaynie said...

Graduation! How exciting!!! Congrats, my lovely! The big city? I'm so jealous... I wish I could be in that wonderful place too.

Grad School Reject said...

Sounds like you are graduating soon. May have already happened. Either way I wanted to send my best, wish you luck, and I'll quietly hope that you keep writing.