Sunday, March 25, 2007

Across the Universe

Once a second somewhere in the universe a star explodes with the brilliance of an entire galaxy.
- National Geographic
That makes me feel ... awe. I must admit, I could use a little more awe these days.

I don't feel that busy, but I guess I really am. I've written near nothing in terms of prose this semester what a frustrating feeling.

Today I got serious and instead of picnicing around, I sat, sweating in a sweaty library. Make a resume. Future enterprises and a job that will pay the bills and not make my heart turn black and brittle. Right now I'm alone in these feelings. This worry. All I want to do is enjoy the weather and not have to aknowledge the fact that I won't be living this life in a few months.
A perfect option that will keep my heart green and wild. But The Last Unicorn can't count on anything (anyone) so she won't get too excited, but of course the fear will stick to her ribs for a bit. If this works out if this all works out, I'll give it all I have.

and because I care, I'm tired of hearing excuses, and I don't know what to say anymore:

The Harvard Women’s Health Watch suggests six reasons to get enough sleep
1) Learning and memory: Sleep helps the brain commit new information to memory through a process called memory consolidation. In studies, people who’d slept after learning a task did better on tests later.
2)Metabolism and weight: Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our bodies process and store carbohydrates, and by
altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite.
3)Safety: Sleep debt contributes to a greater tendency to fall asleep during the daytime. These lapses may cause falls and mistakes such as medical errors, air
traffic mishaps, and road accidents.
4)Mood:Sleep loss may result in irritability, impatience, inability to concentrate, and moodiness. Too little sleep can also leave you too tired to do the things you
like to do.
5)Cardiovascular health: Serious sleep disorders have been linked to hypertension, increased stress hormone levels, and irregular
6)Disease: Sleep deprivation alters immune function, including the activity of the body’s killer cells. Keeping up with sleep may also help fight cancer.
The Importance of Sleep

My limbs are shaky about the future.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear?

Last night I stayed up late watching wonderful Freaks and Geeks (thanks Orange Wiggles) with my lil sis. It was her introduction ... to my delight she was just as smitten as I. It was nice.

And just for fun ...

Which Freaks and Geeks Character are You?

Take this quiz!

Ha ha, Bill is my favorite! At least I didn't get Kim ...

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Rights of Spring

Spent time with lovely today:
Perhaps the only convincing love story of our century.
I was hard about it at first, but now I tread soft. Such a way to
with rain comes growth and the stretching towards the sun.
Change in revolutions
slow, but I can see the evolution before my very eyes.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully understand such a phenomenon.
Mostly tell myself I won't
(don't want to)
but when it comes down to the time and era
I think I might
embrace it more so than most. Fall into the mode of
thinking that's undeniably heart-shaped and slightly overprotective.
I promise never to forget all I've
learned (balance, understanding etc.),
most importantly what came before.
For now and a long time come, I'm
completely content with baby on lap, and
not the oven!

Had a nice chat with lilK and we talked about his friend "who recorded like 9 yrs of his life on napkins, paper towels, and just random paper and then threw it all away one day." He also has good taste in movies, but that's besides the point ...

Damn. I need to be that person. The person who can walk away from things, eras, modes of thinking. I'm getting better at it, but sometimes I feel myself getting caught up in time and material. How ugly. It's human nature, I suppose, but I'm not sure I'm willing to accept that. I don't want to be dated, I want to live in the moment. Not at the expense of lost-connection, but in the spirit of opening myself up to connection.

As I drove down the boulevard today:
I noticed all the construction where grasslands and cornfields once lay. Target a few miles away from ... another Target. Old Navy (where I worked slave wage silly for nearly three years of my life). An auto mall full of guzzling metal monsters. Restaurant, Restaurant, Coffee Joint, Restaurant, and on till I intersected with the toll way. All a sudden I felt awful. SICK. I wanted to turn around right then, go back to my home follow the trail to the bridge sit underneath the tree and ... do what? Where is my place amongst all this?

Spring break is over, and not a moment too soon. Not too short and not too long. Caught up on friends, family, and rest. BUT I miss all the crazy colorfuls at school!!! Here at home I am a tetrahedron peg trying to fit into a square hole. I didn't fit before, and I probably never will. Today I'm okay with that.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I bet my heart is bigger than your heart ...

Hard to get inspired within these walls.I'm not sure why.I guess there is a lot of sadness and stifling in here.I want to break all of my family members out of their ruts.I don't want to be a saviour, I just want to save them.Make them see, I don't know.Worried about momda.Family jokes and sibling whispers, but goddammit it's serious.I don't know, how to make them see.

Odd visitors these days, and doing very young things. On again off again Asian perplexes me. Him too, I want to be happy. But I can't possibly be the one to provide that. The funny thing about all (not all most) of this nostalgia: My connector spots no longer function the same. The reciever spots don't allow me to grasp onto the old times and relive them again and again. I'm different and though I would urbanX in a heart beat, I no longer feel the same sitting with him talking about life. I know he doesn't like the sounds of my sighs, but he looks so tired. I like him best when he's doing the things that take him the most effort. Because it's easy to smoke up and lay down, I can't accept that noise because I've seen his heart. Remember, "people lead enchanted lives?" I think he has forgotten.
but oh when that kid puts pen to paper, pick to string ...

And wiseone I expected our hearts to be misaligned and though on the surface it looks as though they may be, I feel like he hasn't given up the up the good fight. The person who sparked my fire, is sparking some more of his own. I'm so proud. What to do with such a revelation? Yell and scream? Speak in unmediated shades of dissent? I will try and try and try some more. I will be inspired and brave even if the people I want to believe in me don't.

My perpetual optimism is too much for some.
I know.
I don't want people to be constantly afraid of disappointing me. It's a part of my life too. Much of the world is founded on idealism. It is kept intact by humanists and lovers and sympathizers. It will always be a constant struggle, a tangle. Today my father told me he doesn't want me to settle for a job that doesn't make less than X amount of money. He doesn't want my schooling to go to waste.

My papi, the main reason I even considered college. Wanting to make him proud. Choosing a field I know would make alot of money. A small regret. Not for me, I don't care about money. He doesn't care about money, but he knows it signifies a certain level of success. He knows he must feed his family. I smiled even though my insides were knotting. Daddy, my heart won't allow me to do those bull-shit jobs that make me boat loads of money. But I promised him that my education wouldn't go to waste and that whateverI'd do would be worth it. I think he understands.

Though, what
that IT?

Life is a constant adjustment. Once I think I've got it all figured out, gee almighty, everything changes on me. I change on me and some of you stay the same or is it that we're all changing at different rates and proportions. How completely hard it is to find someone anyone who you can relate too. Really relate to, and once you do you hope that they can relate back and that they'll hold your precious relations soft and then hard again in the palm of their hands.

Hell, I don't know what I'm doing, but I do know how I feel about warm nights and good books, shattered moon particles and well water, ideals and tofu, trees and sultry glances. Mr. Morose told me I just need to let go and trust, that it's the best feeling in the world if you let it.

Today I'm going to start trusting, and perhaps tomorrow I'll spark a fire.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Stercus Mundi*

I want to have exotic names and
old photo booth pictures:

The way I see it, we are constellation.
that's true.
In reality we are
light year's away. (from one another)
Yoked together by the thin
tense thread of a child's want imagination
breathless moments
rustle of sheets
et al.
Holding tight. Tilling gravity. Bending
laws of science
at this stage , it might just be alchemy,
I don't think you're ready.
A little smoke and a little mirrors.
I suppose the past doesn't
Matter half
a quarter
a lightyear
as much as the future.
Perfect timing
steady (prove me wrong) breaths
I'm just a child waving my basket full of milky way
----- until then I'll just hold (let me in) still, because sometimes I feel like woman in window and somtimes I'm just kid on the outside (smirking cause he know something you don't know).

And here on this day and in these days:
but today more specifically in class with professor McDreamy, we were talking about Peter Dale Scott's "Minding the Darkness." Scott's style covers a great deal of political/social/religious inequities, but not once does he raise his literary voice. The way in which he tackles the atrocities of war (religious and otherwise) is so balanced, peacful, and loving. At one point in my life I was tolerant gentle and loving. Somehow along the way of living life, I lost that patience. Amidst the big picture I'm still all those things, but in the microcosm of everyday life I don't love as much as I once did. I am impatient of much tolerant of little.

Peter Dale Scott is from Canada. Now if you know me well, especially from a certain period in my life I jokingly held much disdain for Canada. Oh I had a silly long list of reasons why I didn't like Canada (ex. they drink their milk from bags, Celine Dion, Mounties, lower literacy rate than the U.S., Ralphie was Canada for model U.N.), but nothing ever serious. I went camping with some Canads once, and they were the most ridiculously sweet people I've ever met. They didn't know me at all but they offered up their shade and drink. They even played me some sweet Canadian folk music. McDreamy talked about how important it is to practice love in daily life. But how can I ever hope to love everyone!? A very similar conversation had manifested itself earlier in the week with the boy and once again with Mr. Morose.

At first I thought it was ludicrous and criminal. Evenly distributed love is not pure love.
Pure love is not unique love and so on. But ahh love is a multi-faceted concept. Universal love is different from Romantic love such as familial love differs from love for hummus (still with me?). McDreamy illuminated the concept by marrying love with the idea of temperament. If a community loves one another and looks out for one another's general well-being, not because they are sleeping with them but because they are a part of a whole it effects the general temperament of the collective. If everyone is invested in the other (even minutely) they make decisions based on the well-being of the whole. Those rascally Canadians might be on to something.

Once again take Canada for example, a country of notable positive cultural temperament, they are more likely to enact social/political policies regarding the well-being of the community (Universal health care). Another important question to ask is why not? Why not love your neighbor? Why not practice daily tolerance? Why must negativity and one upmanship rule our daily lives?

McDreamy, Peter Dale Scott, Canada, and a bit of internal reflection helped me to realize I need to practice daily acts of l-o-v-e, and if I can't love I can just be neutral.

That said let me take my first step:
Girl who addresses me in a really impersonal moderately awkward (circa 1996) way I hope you have an amazing day. I don't dislike you at all. I just wish in passing perhaps you could say hi or if it suits you just a smile and head nod. I'm sorry for letting your greeting get to me, because after all it was a greeting. But just so you know you aren't obligated. Neutrality is okay with me. I'm sure you're really stinkin neat.

And in general these days I have all these huge feelings nesting inside of me wanting to break out, but I couldn't possibly know how to accurately articulate them without sounding like a complete donkey's rear-end.

Oh I like the way his voice cracks when something incredulous happens.

*latin: the shit of everday life
All pictures c/o very talented artist Peter Turnley ( If you have a couple thousand dollars do purchase his lovely and most beautiful fine photography.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

cough cough

My cough is keeping me awake, and I think my heat may be broken? It is cold, and this blanket* isn't warm enough. Half-way through Lolita, by Nabokov and it just blows my mind. Nabokov's poetic prose style and story structure is both brilliant and perverse. Insatiable.

I realized that this week is mid-term. March. Roughly one month left in semester. Oh my word. I've neglected a great many people, and Wise-one my dear a call and late night rendezvous is far overdue. My most sincere apologies.
My time in current said location: don't stop to breath because you will miss it. This my friends makes me nervous.

Let's see if I can pull of all tasks given in the month of March.

Oh this must be thrown into my blog for pick me ups and good measure

Valentine's Day Morning:
His and hers, slumbering sweets, taken by roommate.
That sly devil (bless her everlasting soul).
Okay I only permit myself one schmoopy act per week. It was a long week.
This picture unfailingly makes me smile.

GRE word(s):
licentious- adjective
1: lacking legal or moral restraints; especially : disregarding sexual restraints 2: marked by disregard for strict rules of correctness

a person given to wildly extravagant and usually grossly self-indulgent expenditure
completely given up to dissipation and licentiousness

* O p I ate
feels like you're wrapped up in a big warm blanket.
Only happier,
and warmer.

I promised myself in 2007 I'd do my best to break down internal fear
and affectations. Bottoms up.