Poker Face

I'm trying my best. Really.

Homeward Bound

Time and space is skewed.
Frisco, Sacramento, Hollywood, Bakersfield, PESCA-Fucking-Dero, Santa Cruz. Insane contrast.
I'm not even sure what day of the week it is.

After one of the more wild nights in my life (I may or may not have given T. a concussion) T. and I roadtripped (three hours) back from Sacramento to our hostel on very little sleep. We ate a little, napped a little, and then tackled miles of Redwood forest. Holy crap.

One minute I'm being that girl and the next I'm taking pictures of banana slugs and being dwarfed by mammoth trees. Who the heck am I? This trip has been crazy. California is crazy. Life is crazy.

Chicago tomorrow before I wreck some more homes. Home tomorrow so I can get back to normal. Whatever that means.

Deep sleep tonight. Goodbyes tomorrow. Watermelon for breakfast. Pictures to come.

Oh Gee

The Last Unicorn is a sucker for a few things. Ha.

T R O U B L E.

Davy Jones' Liquor Locker

Brief California update:

Apparently there was an earthquake the first night I was here.  I was too whiskey drunk to notice.

Shame on me.

Venice beach is grrrreat people watching.  I saw a man jump off a chair onto crushed 40oz bottles!  Sick.  "Here comes the blood here comes the blood."

Riding bikes to the ocean and then swimming in it might be the closest I'll ever get to heaven.

(If only it wasn't so salty)

High school reunions are pretty cool.

I can feel the physical distance. Fuck that noise.

Two words: YOGURT LAND.

I want two.

Sunburn! Jet lag! Wavy salt hair!

BIG big interview with Ministry of Education tonight.  Nervous town. Wish me luck.  

Stay real people. <3

Interpreter of Maladies

Last night I attended a dinner party of sorts and bumped elbows with famous molecular biologists and charming ornithologists. I tried my best to be graceful and honest. I was honest. I ate good food and tried to follow along.

The host of said party was a completely beautiful phD student from South Africa. For me this woman was not only a gracious host but will remain in my mind an example of the kind of woman I hope to be one day and can strive to be in the present. She was confident without being arrogant, comfortable in her own skin, natural, honest, smart, witty, open, adventurous, and most of all she seemed absolutely grateful for the life that has been given to her. I don't know she held so many qualities that couldn't be described with words but could only be experienced. She's the type of person that makes you feel warm and welcome. To me that's priceless.

I feel so weird right now. Every experience seems to be viewed through this weird lens of change. Not just the changes I'm going through, but life change in general (love, death, loss). Despite my age, in the scheme of things I've really only begun to experience life. And I am barely begininng to understand the true nature of it, the fact that life can be both highly comic and deeply tragic all in the same breath. Fate is a holy terror and a supreme blessing. All I can do is hang on tightly and keep breathing. This afternoon I watched a movie on a book I read earlier in the year (The Namkesake). The movie was true to the book and only enhanced the richness of the story. It was all about how life is unpredictable and can often be harsh and sad, but ultimately beautiful. Well that and the contrast of being an Indian and an Indian American, but I could relate less to that aspect (heh). Although, I totally want a Bengali wedding AND funeral. Anyway...

Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty in certain situations. Hard to let time take something and shape it, instead of our own hands. I like how the the books I read (and sometimes the movies) have a way of aligning with the things that are going on in my life. I recently just picked up what I assumed to be a fluff book, Tuesdays with Morrie. I flew through the first 100 pgs over the span of a train ride. The book is about an older man with a terminal illness teaching a younger man how to live a full life. I figured it would be mass appeal goodness. While that may be true (it is a best seller) within the first 100 pgs I had bit my lip to avoid tears and whipped out my little black book to jot down something that I never wanted to forget. Again, magically aligning with what I'm going through at the moment. Let me share.

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?"
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take things for granted.
A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."

Tension of opposites baby. Tension of opposites. But in the end if it's true, love will win out. As I read that passage a wave of calm washed over me. Whatever shall be, shall be, DUDE. Hopefully now I'll be able to get some god damned sleep, heh.

So here I am thinking and packing and trying to see the beauty in my life. It's not hard to find. It's a sad kind of beauty, but with lot's of potential. It's hard to throw your life to the wind. It's hard to let go. Really hard, ha ha. As the illustrious Crystal Cabinet says, "Change is tough. Gotta make it work for you." So I'm gonna change my mindset and try to make all this bidness work for me. I'm going to live my life the best I can. I'm going to let fate take it's stupid course. Ha ha. I'm going to be the best friend I can be.

Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for the west coast. The beginning of the first of many adventures. I know if I'm having trouble finding the beauty in my life, I will surely find it among the redwoods and the crash of the ocean. Holy moly I'm excited.

I'm taking my foot off of the brake.

Are you out of your vulcan mind?

One of my babies accidentally and irreparably broke my glasses yesterday. I cried. I tried really hard not to, but when said baby then flung his food off the table I sort of lost it. I sat in the bathroom and had myself a good cry.

I was upset because too damn much is changing in my life. My glasses were my security blanket and now I don't even have that! I lose everything, but I had those glasses for almost four years. They became part of my face. It really is an end of an era in my life, and I'm stubborn to except that.

I'm okay now, save for a headache. I've been meaning to get new glasses for like six months so it's really not that big of a deal, but you know change is a bit easier when you can control it. I feel as though there isn't too much I have control of these days.

So now I'll just go about feeling naked and squinting until I get back from the west coast.

RIP red glasses, you were good to me. Let's hope I can find some specs half as sweet.

Hectic Life Super Nova

I just woke up from a long afternoon nap. I almost never take naps anymore, but this weekend did a number on me! Every time before I spend a weekend in the suburbs a little bit of dread passes through me. What the heck am I going to do in the suburbs for an entire long weekend!? I'm going to be bored and crabby because I spent too much time with my family!

But like everything in my life lately, I've been surprised. It seems like the only rest I get is during the work week! This weekend started off Wednesday night at RandD's and didn't end until Sunday night when I got back on the train towards the city. I've had more than enough to do (dare I say too much?). I have even been getting along really well with my family!

Among many other things the highlights of my weekend were swinging a hammer, hanging out with lil' B, drinking wine, celebrating my mother, mowing my lawn, watching documentaries with T, and buying antique handkerchiefs from a recently deceased dutch woman! All in a weekends work for the Last Unicorn!

I enjoyed my weekend, but for some reason I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm living someone else's life. Perhaps this is my new life and I haven't quite gotten used to the feeling of living it. I need to completely unstick myself from previous mindsets and get back into one where I really make an effort to live in the now, for myself. How cheezy does that sound? I know, but it's something I've really been struggling with since all the recent changes and the ones looming in the very very near future.

Change is so scary sometimes and I'm faced with so much of it right now. Naps help, so do warm weather, and friends (thank goodness for friends). I feel as though I'm carrying around some kind of weight, and I'm not exactly sure what it is or how to lighten the load.

I suppose part of life is the constant struggle between the light and heavy. Lately I feel like a big fat rock! But an optimistic rock, if that makes any sense.

Modern Nature

Last night I took my sick butt out to do some socializing and what song came on the moment I sat down to eat my falafel? Thunder Road, of course.

I've been having crazy dreams that shake me awake at all hours. I tried so hard to stay up last night to watch Cool Runnings just so I could put off dreaming. Like my whole world revolved around staying up late enough to chuckle myself to sleep with the Jamaican bobsled team, and I couldn't even manage that.

I want to run run run on my trail, but my ankle hurts so bad bad bad.

Jeju sounds like candy ...

I just ordered a bunch of transcripts and talked to a woman on the phone with a gorgeous New Zealand accent about my future. I think I might have inadvertently agreed to live here.

To say that I'm scared is an understatement, but to say that I'm not excited would be a big lie. Whoah Nelly what am I getting myself into!? Shit just got real.

New Pollution

I'm useless right now. No, really I've pretty much ceased to function in any familiar manner.
I have been watching a lot of music videos on YouTube though, I MEAN A LOT.

Remember how crazy Beck was before he actually went crazy and became a Scientologist?

Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate!

edit:
And I just found out my ceramics class is canceled this week. :(

Graveyard Games

Who knew that picking up a bike could be so hard?

Maybe I should just become a ghost and disappear?