Sunday, December 30, 2012

Christmas Part Deux

My family is notorious for not really caring about the holidays.  I've always set my standards pretty low so I won't get disappointed (I should stop that habit, but that's a whole 'nother post).  My holidays are usually supplemented by my boyfriend's and my best friend's family which more than fill my holiday quota.  This year's Christmas was super weird and I tried to be all cool and not care, but truth be told I was a little bummed this year.  No boyfriend, so no boyfriend's family to make me feel all warm and loved.  No sister, cause she's mid life crisis(ing).  Work on Christmas day so no best friend family to stuff me full of food and ask me medical questions.  I think the highlight of my holiday was probably falling asleep with my lil sis in her bed watching Garden State.  We were bummed together and talked about the forward momentum of time and how things are always changing so you really have to just enjoy it while it's happening and try not to dwell on the change.  I'm getting better about this.  But sometimes I don't want to.  I got to stop acting like a brick when I'm really just a cushy pillow.

Luckily last night A. brought over pheasants he hunted that morning (wut) and we had an impromptu Victorian Christmas that unexpectedly turned into a party full of people that made me feel all warm and fuzzy and full of good vibes.  I hope it's an indicator of NYE and the year ahead.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

First Snow

“The greater the suffering, the greater the pleasure. That is nature’s payback to riders for the homage they pay her by suffering. Velvet pillows, safari parks, sunglasses; people have become woolly mice. They still have bodies that can walk for five days and four nights through a desert of snow, without food, but they accept praise for having taken a one-hour bicycle ride. ‘Good for you’. Instead of expressing their gratitude for the rain by getting wet, people walk around with umbrellas. Nature is an old lady with few friends these days, and those who wish to make use of her charms, she rewards passionately.”    The Rider Tim Krabbe 

Me, like the cold?  

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Weight

Comically unsteady riding through Chicago with 30lbs of groceries on my back somehow helped me feel lighter.  Funks are a funny thing.

I also got a surprise text from B: I'll be in town late tonight.  Well that's just great.  Good food in my belly and good friends in my presence.  What do I have to funk around about?

Also, I could listen to this song fifty times in a row and not get tired of it.  Have an awesome day.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Once you take away the blood and guts, what have you got?

That's right, a pile of firing synapses and a rickety skeleton.  Now that my brain isn't filled to capacity with memorizing the procedural points on chemo efficacy and theories on death and dying I'm left with a grand chasm.  I'm trying to think of nothing and everything and it's making me feel, well, weird.  Laying awake at night I feel overwhelmed.  I'm trying my best to be the river and my thoughts the debris passing through my sheds, but we all know how that goes.  I'd like to send my brain to the central department for orderly processing, or maybe I just need some sunshine.  Counting down the days till west coast adventures.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A Tale of Two Pockets

I hate when internal struggles manifest themselves physically.  What I'm saying is, I hate when I get all noodly.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Sunday, December 09, 2012

Children and Grief - An excerpt

5-9 Years: Children in this age group may hide their feelings to avoid appearing babyish, to protect others from feeling sad, or if they are unable to tolerate the pain of grief.  Death is seen as possible, but the child continues to see themselves as invincible.  These children often seek out very concrete information about the death, although they also have a strong fantasy life that they use to make everything as it was before the death.  Symptoms include regression, crying, anxiety, headaches, stomachaches, denial of death, hostility toward the deceased, inability to concentrate, and bad dreams.

SC said when her and her fiance called it off she just had to pretend he died and deal with it that way.  And what if you run into him?  Would it be like seeing a ghost?

Contemplating grief while in a good mood on a dreary winter afternoon while listening to Tonstartssbandht (happy sad music).

My earliest memory of grief and death was about my cockatiel Buddy dying.  I don't remember much about the process except making myself as small as possible and lodging myself between the wall and my bunk bed.  I must've stayed there crying for hours, finally my Ma found me and told me I was being ridiculous.  It was just a bird honey.  Grief is an out of body experience for me, I always just want to lodge myself between a wall or an armpit for fear of expanding into nothingness.  I don't know.  I certainly couldn't handle being a pediatric nurse, ha ha.  I suppose either way in my line of work I should get used to the grief process.  When L dies I don't want to go to her funeral.  I will, because that's what you do, but funerals are for the living not the dead.  Of course it's the living people that make dealing with grief such a heartbreaking work.  This is your life with a hole in it.  This is your life without me, deal with it, cause you don't have a choice.  And you just carry on and not let your grief become complicated and drawn out, but when that happens you think of the person or thing you loved less and less until you don't really think of it at all and if you are lucky you can fill that hole with something in its stead.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Loop Conducting Ya'll

Cheesy, but interesting video about triggering traffic lights on your bike.  I always thought the triggers were a myth! Myth busted.  Also, Richmond seems like an all right place to live.