Christmas Part Deux

My family is notorious for not really caring about the holidays.  I've always set my standards pretty low so I won't get disappointed (I should stop that habit, but that's a whole 'nother post).  My holidays are usually supplemented by my boyfriend's and my best friend's family which more than fill my holiday quota.  This year's Christmas was super weird and I tried to be all cool and not care, but truth be told I was a little bummed this year.  No boyfriend, so no boyfriend's family to make me feel all warm and loved.  No sister, cause she's mid life crisis(ing).  Work on Christmas day so no best friend family to stuff me full of food and ask me medical questions.  I think the highlight of my holiday was probably falling asleep with my lil sis in her bed watching Garden State.  We were bummed together and talked about the forward momentum of time and how things are always changing so you really have to just enjoy it while it's happening and try not to dwell on the change.  I'm getting better about this.  But sometimes I don't want to.  I got to stop acting like a brick when I'm really just a cushy pillow.

Luckily last night A. brought over pheasants he hunted that morning (wut) and we had an impromptu Victorian Christmas that unexpectedly turned into a party full of people that made me feel all warm and fuzzy and full of good vibes.  I hope it's an indicator of NYE and the year ahead.

First Snow

“The greater the suffering, the greater the pleasure. That is nature’s payback to riders for the homage they pay her by suffering. Velvet pillows, safari parks, sunglasses; people have become woolly mice. They still have bodies that can walk for five days and four nights through a desert of snow, without food, but they accept praise for having taken a one-hour bicycle ride. ‘Good for you’. Instead of expressing their gratitude for the rain by getting wet, people walk around with umbrellas. Nature is an old lady with few friends these days, and those who wish to make use of her charms, she rewards passionately.”    The Rider Tim Krabbe 

Me, like the cold?  

The Weight

Comically unsteady riding through Chicago with 30lbs of groceries on my back somehow helped me feel lighter.  Funks are a funny thing.

I also got a surprise text from B: I'll be in town late tonight.  Well that's just great.  Good food in my belly and good friends in my presence.  What do I have to funk around about?



Also, I could listen to this song fifty times in a row and not get tired of it.  Have an awesome day.

Once you take away the blood and guts, what have you got?

That's right, a pile of firing synapses and a rickety skeleton.  Now that my brain isn't filled to capacity with memorizing the procedural points on chemo efficacy and theories on death and dying I'm left with a grand chasm.  I'm trying to think of nothing and everything and it's making me feel, well, weird.  Laying awake at night I feel overwhelmed.  I'm trying my best to be the river and my thoughts the debris passing through my sheds, but we all know how that goes.  I'd like to send my brain to the central department for orderly processing, or maybe I just need some sunshine.  Counting down the days till west coast adventures.

A Tale of Two Pockets

I hate when internal struggles manifest themselves physically.  What I'm saying is, I hate when I get all noodly.

Woman of Leisure, Sort Of...

I wish I was always on holiday break.  This is just too good.

Children and Grief - An excerpt

5-9 Years: Children in this age group may hide their feelings to avoid appearing babyish, to protect others from feeling sad, or if they are unable to tolerate the pain of grief.  Death is seen as possible, but the child continues to see themselves as invincible.  These children often seek out very concrete information about the death, although they also have a strong fantasy life that they use to make everything as it was before the death.  Symptoms include regression, crying, anxiety, headaches, stomachaches, denial of death, hostility toward the deceased, inability to concentrate, and bad dreams.

SC said when her and her fiance called it off she just had to pretend he died and deal with it that way.  And what if you run into him?  Would it be like seeing a ghost?

Contemplating grief while in a good mood on a dreary winter afternoon while listening to Tonstartssbandht (happy sad music).

My earliest memory of grief and death was about my cockatiel Buddy dying.  I don't remember much about the process except making myself as small as possible and lodging myself between the wall and my bunk bed.  I must've stayed there crying for hours, finally my Ma found me and told me I was being ridiculous.  It was just a bird honey.  Grief is an out of body experience for me, I always just want to lodge myself between a wall or an armpit for fear of expanding into nothingness.  I don't know.  I certainly couldn't handle being a pediatric nurse, ha ha.  I suppose either way in my line of work I should get used to the grief process.  When L dies I don't want to go to her funeral.  I will, because that's what you do, but funerals are for the living not the dead.  Of course it's the living people that make dealing with grief such a heartbreaking work.  This is your life with a hole in it.  This is your life without me, deal with it, cause you don't have a choice.  And you just carry on and not let your grief become complicated and drawn out, but when that happens you think of the person or thing you loved less and less until you don't really think of it at all and if you are lucky you can fill that hole with something in its stead.

Loop Conducting Ya'll

Cheesy, but interesting video about triggering traffic lights on your bike.  I always thought the triggers were a myth! Myth busted.  Also, Richmond seems like an all right place to live.

Let's Get this Final Finalized

Monday Monday MONDAY

I'm really excited about being a nurse.

Life expectancy of the average American female

It's only fitting I start out the cancer unit in nursing with someone close to me getting diagnosed terminally.  Today of all days.  The same day I had to joke through some tears while I held K's hand as he received his last infusion of intrathecal chemo.

Yo kid that cerebrospinal fluid looks good.
I'd rather be playing video games.
Me too.
Me fucking too.

I woke up thinking my hangover was going to be the hardest part of getting through the day.  I'm just going to stop answering my phone.  I never get bad news in texts.  2012 is definitely the worst year of my life, but it's going to be a lot worse for L.  What would you do if you had 1-3 months to live and further contemplation to follow.

Wild Love

Here is a post about Alice B. Toklas and Gertrude Stein on one of the only blogs I read regularly.  I barely have time to internet anymore, so it was a really nice post to open up to.  Stein's literature holds a special place in my heart and always will.  In addition, she's a fucking rad woman.  I think I should add What is Remembered to my winter break reading list.

This weekend should be very interesting.  I am entering into a balancing act, and we all know how good I am at that.

Pop rocks, blood, and tears

In the last 24 hours: Kitty eats rat poison, boy who likes you that you don't like that way who you just told that to falls into a window ac unit, best friend breaks giant lcd television in your home.

Like whoa.
I just want to be riding my bike.

It's a Living Thing

SLOW DOWN J.

Bonez

http://p-s-ychotic.tumblr.com/post/33345640260/like-this-click-for-more

I could stare at this all day.  No, really.

I keep experiencing this phenomenon that startles me awake in the middle of the night.  It must be a reoccurring dream, but I just wake up thinking I'm somewhere that I'm not.  I pop up like a board, and I have to physically re-orient myself to the time and my location.


It's starting to make me worry.

I can turn a river into a raging fire, but ohhhhh

I'll soon be naked

(I think I have the first part covered)

Never in my life has every single thing felt so shaky beneath my feet.  I understand all the stock phrases,  but still, this is a terror of a place to be in.  I'm going to take it all out on the lake front trail, because that's my only solution right now.  Maybe I'll fall into the lake and turn into an ignorant little guppy.

xSummahx

I wish I could write it all down and read it like a book.

Today I was on the toilet watching a spider spin a web for like ten minutes.  Then I burst into tears.  Life is so weird it makes my brain spin.  Also, I'll probably get a prolapsed anus now.

Summer is still good (ay great), but the fingers of fall are beginning to take hold.  They are mostly in my head, because I tire easily of the social strata.  They are there nonetheless.  I long for the cool gusts of crisp air and the endless hours of reading.  Well, today, I do.  Maybe, on that day, I'll be thinking of the warm winds of July and tanned skinned friends.  Humans (especially this one) are fickle creatures.  I just can't imagine shoving more fun and good memories into this Summer than I already have.  I guess that makes me a very lucky gal.  On a serious note:

Two projects worth reminding myself about...  

1) Zine series titled: "I Can't Afford to Get Sick"
    Issue 1: STDs
(Convince S to draw someone looking into their pants incredulously for the front cover)
Read scholarly articles
Identify community resources

2) Fun with Flavor - Kombucha
Find another glass beverage dispenser

Whole fruit - ginger + blueberry
Chai - cinnamon stick, cloves, cardamom
"dark n stormy" - ginger and a little rum extract
lavender
lime basil
Raspberry - whole fruit

  

SummerBreak2k12

I am so excited about being done with school (until fall) and I'm so excited for this weekend!  Lot's of fun happenings.  Yea, for summer!

Giving Free Reign to his Dark Side

"Fuck them is what I say, I hate those e-books. They can not be the future… they may well be… I will be dead, I won’t give a shit!"


And so the future approaches without a great man influencing the hearts of children young and old.  This morning one of my favorite childhood author and illustrators died.  Maurice Sendak was an awesome guy.  He cared about people and he understood that the world is a scary place that mostly doesn't make sense.  He wrote children's books that made parents uncomfortable.  He wasn't afraid to be honest with kids and tackle tough topics in his writing and illustrations.  Sometimes life is sad and unfair kids, but it's your responsibility to find the good in it.  Maurice Sendak's work no matter how sad or fantastical always showed an awe and appreciation for life.  He also never apologized, and I can get behind that.

The Colbert Report
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The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

Shoo Bop Shoo Bop

I want to watch a movie that blows my mind a little or makes me excited about the absurdity of life.  You know like Almost Famous or I Heart Huckabees.  I don't want to be sad, I want to be shoooooook.  Any ideas?

Happy Birthday Last Unicorn!

Birthdays are weird.  Sometimes pleasant, but mostly weird.  I'm excited to find a pizza buffet!  

Uhm, nurse Jesse, I'm bleeding ... a lot.

I really felt like a nurse this week.  I got to do a lot of things I was nervous to do, but when it came down to it, auto-pilot kicked in and I was just doing it.  I got great feed back from my (many) patients this week, and it really stirred something in my soul.  For all the academic bull-shit I have to put up with, I must say, it's worth it.

I still need to buckle down and push through these last three weeks, but you know, it's a little bit easier to say no to everything else (including sleep) for a minute.


After this weekend of course!  Happy birthday to me!  Late twenties?  Psssh, bring it.

Fuck Yeah Spring! or The Black Sea at Night

Highlight of the weekend: Got to make out during a thunderstorm.

Do it or Don't.

I came across a black field with these words boldly written in white:

Don't Give Up What You Want Most For What You Want Now.

This weekend sort of encompasses that notion. The mindset I need to get in to succeed. I know it all seems so dramatic, but I'm the one getting in the way of myself.

Dear Jesse

Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

(discipline)

Where have all the Dance Parties Gone?

Gosh dang this video/song is so good. Makes me want to dance.

Spring Happenings

We got paint and a new couch this weekend. Now, I'm all excited about making my home a cooler place to hang out in. Maybe this will help me alleviate my serious blues that are creeping in and taking over my entire brain.

I hope so.

Foggy Brain Town

I don't remember to which house my debit card is being mailed. Is that a small problem indicative of a bigger problem?

A soft bulletin

I don't know how I feel about anything right now.

XX

Last week nearly killed me, but I managed to pull through. My mission was to make up for a terrible week with one helluva weekend. I must say, mission accomplished.

So thankful for early Spring and many other things and peoples.

Jessenomics

I need to fully embrace the fact that I'm going to be utterly destitute for the next year of my life. I'm going to get really good at having little to no money, and be okay with that fact. Hobo wine anyone?

Making it Count March

Man, I think I need to take the rest of March to really focus on taking care of myself so I don't have a nervous break down in 150. I think I need a game plan.

Ideas:

Maybe I should revisit veganism?

Limit drinking.

Really make time for exercise.

Make time on the weekend for stuff like sewing and hanging out with the sisters instead of sleeping until 3 o'clock and being hung over.

Pick out a 5k and train for it!

Okay, good start. I'm tired of feeling crabby and tired and stressed all the time! I'd like to make it through nursing school w/out dying and that's not going to happen if I don't change it up.

Poor = distinct lack of fun

I need a lot of things I don't have money to purchase. Being poor sucks. Where did all my money go all of a sudden?

:(

Aw Dang

I gave three shots today!

.:.

Sometimes the struggles of daily life are truly beautiful.

The Black Power Mixtapes

If I ever have a kid or steal one from another family, I'm going to name him or her Stokely. It just rolls off the tongue and reeks of dignity.

Yo Stokes, what up!? So good.

St. Valentine

I have a lover who stuffs me with meat and bbq sauce and then lets me fall asleep nestled in his neck (stealing his radiant heat, no doubt). I have a lover who encourages my DIY exploits. What else could a gal ask for? (he's also a mega hunk to boot)

Super heartz.

Wild Weekend

Most days I'd totally be content eating refried black beans and kimchi, but it's really nice when I get to eat an entire valentine's day party.

Lolz

So this is what West Coast winters feel like ...

Oh, hey, what's up spring? Just stopping by to say hello for minute? Cool, it's always nice to see you. SO I DON'T SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE.

Seriously though, this winter has been awesome.

BLACKOUT

PROTECT IP / SOPA Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

It's pretty cool to see a lot of the major sites blacking out, now only if we could do this when it comes to poverty, healthcare, and women's reproduction rights.

Whoah

This girl.

And this one too. Very rad.

I'll be yr bird

In all regards I had a great week, but my head has been a little too light and my heart too heavy. My moods have been shifting like a pinball knocking around a machine. This morning we got all tangled up. I wanted to freeze the moment in time. It felt so good, I was sure there was warm weather waiting outside for us. When you're in my bed, all the shit that weighs me down every day gets scattered on my floor for a while. When we're in that soft place, before we make each other sigh, I just feel so damn content. There's no pinging around. I don't feel scared for the future or worried about the past. I'm just glad to be exactly where I'm at. Thanks.

Ready to take on 2012

Vacation's over.
Had a rad weekend.

Celebrated love with a cute boy.
Got my planner.
Cleaned my room.
Did my laundry.
Coerced someone into painting my nails.

Made the best dinner I've ever made in my life and then shared it with a friend.
Now this:

Aw. Yeah.

Feeling good about 2012!

Lost or Something Like It...

in the political/action oriented sense that is. It's like I'm 63 looking back at my youth thinking, "if only I would have done that." Except I'm young and I can still do whatever "that" is. Problem being, I'm not sure what "that is." It surely isn't to spend every weekend getting drunk and having the same exact conversations I have every single weekend.

I'm supposed to be a woman of action. And this nagging gut feeling isn't going away. I don't know, maybe it's winter fucking with my head.