Experiment #236

I like you.
You like me.

Holy Toledo that was a big crash!

Dagger Daniel - Scholar of War

The problem is, I can see myself doing everything.

In the new Dylan movie David Cross plays Ginsberg. Oddly fitting.

Maybe the ubiquitous question, WHO AM I? doesn't ever have to be answered.

Or perhaps I answer the question every day, and it's never the same.

Today I'm a dreamer, tomorrow I'm a mechanic, and the next day I'm just a kid riding around on a bike with a little toy gun saying POW!

Dead Pixels

This afternoon I wrote. The first thing I've written in a long time. It poured out of my fingertips. Felt good to create. The words didn't feel forced. It was poetry.

My love affair with poetry is far reaching. Is it a sign? Did the dream of grad school die because I'm just not a fiction writer? Is poetry my calling (oh god, I really am going to be poor)?

Does everyone feel awful at this age? This sense of being lost, of wanting to reject everything established? All I require is honesty and truth. Tell me where is the authenticity?

Holiday (as sung by Madonna)

The older you get, the weirder family gatherings feel.

Once, at Thanksgiving, my Aunt made me clean dog poo off her shoe. Now she has a MySpace account. Nothing about my family life makes sense to me.

This year's festivities were strangely normal. Strange.

I don't need a special day to say I'm thankful for what I have, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to give an extra shout out. So here goes:
I am tremendously thankful for all that I have (tangible and otherwise). I've come a long way in the past couple of years and that's because I have lovely people in my life who are willing to put up with my bouts of tyranny. I am thankful for trees and music, art and new experiences, food and bravery. Ahhh you get the picture.

Life isn't always easy, but when we help each other sometimes it doesn't seem so hard.

Feel Flows

Last night I dreamt of growing old.

This morning I woke up and found twenty dollars in my back pocket and five in my book bag.

*addendum: I just played a 65 point scrabble word using all seven tiles ... spindler.
I think today is going to be a very good day, huzzah!

Today

I'm standing at the window of a 12th story high rise, looking out at the haze of a city shrouded in fog. I feel much farther up than twelve stories. On a clear day I can see the ferris wheel at Navy Pier, on an overcast day I can see the tip of the conservatory peeking through the trees.

This morning I can barely make out the other high rise adjacent to mine. As the hours pass, the screen only thickens. The room, made mostly of windows, is calm and soft.

Today I feel, calm and soft.

What would the community think?

Social imports cannot be managed at this time. Creativity is at a stand still.

Many things stand still. For the first time I'm making decisions based solely on conversations with myself. Today hasn't happened, and tomorrow says don't look back.

My mind can't seem to understand this world, or the things going on in my heart and my head.

A couple things I learned this weekend:

• Sometimes self sacrifice looks ugly on the big screen (see Sean Penn's take on Krakauer's "Into the Wild")
• Sometimes things on the big screen move me and break my heart in a big way even if they are portraying something that's "against the law." (see Jed Riffe's documentary, "Waiting to Inhale") I loves the documentaries!
• I don't have to be the greatest at anything. Ego is all about insecurity? It really did take me over 23 years to come to this conclusion.
• Only 1/2 half of what they tell you about this crazy thing called love is true, the rest is a simply byzantine tangle of emotions. UNPREDICTABLE, good, bad, magical!!!
• It doesn't matter what end of the bed you sleep at, as long as you're sleeping with someone who is willing to keep you warm and drool on your head. (life philosophy?)

My nose is running out the front door. Brrrrrr

Changing the way you think everyday all the time is good for your heart and mind! Don't ever become a stubborn stagnant pond!

Tis the Season?

Last night I paper mached giant rat hands, for a production of the nutcracker, to the tunes of A Charlie Brown Christmas. It was somehow cathartic. I went to sleep with cold hands and my heart a little happier.

Iron Lung - Surely I belong somewhere, everything belongs somewhere.

I'm making myself sick. Sometimes I feel like such a hack. Sometimes I worry and worry till nothing seems right. I'm tired from too much sleeping, and I'm restless from staying in one place. Will I be condemned to lead a life of perpetual restlessness?

I think that eventually I could die a happy death as a wonderer or a starved hunter gatherer.

I don't mind the cold so far this year, which is odd. I am always first to complain about the sun shying away from the ground.
Besides it sort of nice bundling up, and searching for warm spots in the apartment. I can endure. I can endure anything. Save for my empty bed.

Sometimes I think that I cursed myself when I fell in love. Now, I know what I'm missing when these stretches of time span more than a week. It amazes me how the mere presence of someone can ease my mind to the point of contentedness.

I guess the upside of my malcontent is that I've been writing a lot lately.

NanWriMo 2007

As if I haven't enough to worry about with gradaute prep ... NanWriMo 07. Okay, maybe I won't hit 50,000 this year, but I'm shooting for at the very least 25,000 words. Anything better than last year's sorry excuse for a word count!



Cheers and good luck to everyone. Next thing you know it will be Christmas!