Tuesday, June 30, 2009

One Flew East One Flew West

I just finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It made me feel all sorts of poles of emotions. That combine that the chief speaks of in the book really exists. It is every establishment and the parts of our brains that have been fashioned out of those same parts. But the opportunity to throw a wrench at the combine or slow it down so people can see just what runs them exists too, and every simple victory is worth celebrating. I'm not talking about going to some demonstration or hosting a food not bombs, while those are all great things they work outside the combine.

I'm talkin' bout McMurphy. His subtle ways of championing the underdog and snubbing the inner machinations made all the other residents brave enough to see that life outside the combine. Because seeing is believing. In the end it cost him, but he always knew it would. Because everything worth living for comes with a price. The combine will always exist and it's always going to tug away at your soul, but it takes strength and a little bravado to live a full life without regrets, a life of resistance. Because when we can overcome things bigger than ourselves we become bigger. And sometimes it even feels good too!

I dunno. After I finished reading it I got the intangible feeling I got when I finished Troutfishing in America. So I do believe this one goes on the top twenty list. Huzzah. I cannot wait to watch the movie!

Next up on the docket: The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison and two books about teaching.

Friday, June 26, 2009


Too early for a memorial dance party?

By the way, today at the beach I got stung by a bee. I forgot how much that hurts. :(

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Boy Who Could Fly

I want to know this man. I want to sit down with him and say, "You are beautiful in every way. Let's drink tea and play scrabble." No expectations no promises no pressure. He seems brave, no? ----------->
I forgot where I got this picture from. Sorry.

Last night was steamy and pleasant. I got to see good music and good friends and sure I had to bite my lip not to cry a little, but I'm trying to get better at living with that empty space. I'm trying to fill that gaping hole with music and books and lovely sweaty people.

Bah the month of July makes me feel so stressed to even think about.

BUT I just downloaded the Andrew W.K. discography so I think we'll all be okay.


Monday, June 22, 2009

What's Your Name. They Don't Care.

So this weekend was real nice and I don't work today so it feels even better. But I don't think I'm going to wear high heels for another five years! I ran into so many people this weekend at the weirdest places: Sparx Girl at a wedding, Sparx Boy at train station waiting for a different Sparx Girl for picnic (M&D are one of my more fave couples that exist), my cousin on my dad's side on train whom I hadn't spent time with since I was a little girl crawling under the table while they all played dominos, and finally my all through elementary school on again off again first boyfriend of all time (and his mom) on the streets of Chicago.

Weird town.

Father's day was nice and I know my papi doesn't read this or even know what blogger probably even is, BUT I appreciate you more than you can possibly understand. I wish I had about a thousand more ways to show it.

Last night after my farewell (she's back to LA) bike ride with T. I drove around way longer than the length it took me to drive home. I listened to mix c.d.s and felt the summer smack into my face. The skeeters were out and so were the lightening bugs. I pulled into the parking lot of the "Solid Rock" church, jumped on the giant trampoline for a little while, and then I just laid on that taut black fabric looking up at the night sky. The notions that flung through my mind were worthy of a poetic anthology, but when I whipped out my little black notebook I wrote just one sentence.

Today I spent the majority of the day painting with my mom and lil sis while listening to Johnny Cash in a tiny enclosed space, and then I spent the rest of the day riding my bike along the trail all free and sweaty and wild like listening to everything else.

Tomorrow I go to The Museum of Science & Industry! I've been trying to go to this museum for like two years, so I'm pretty jazzed. Fun times. Weird times. Sad times. Summer times.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm a dreamer. I'm a schemer. Ima fraidy cat. Maybe I should be a Lemur.

  • I'd really like it to stop raining.
  • I'd really like to make it to the crimethinc convergence this year. My number of radical friends dropped drastically whence I was deemed single. I don't want to be socially lazy anymore (among other forms of laziness). I need to make connections with people that are like minded to remind me to keep moving and not go stagnant in my idealistic frustrations. So I guess I need to, "Up the Punx" in my life. ha ha.
  • I'd really LOVE if the people who I ordered my glasses from would call me and tell me they are in so I can wear them and see the world clearly, because maybe it would help me see myself more clearly (who knows)?
I am halfway through One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and consequently discussing a really sad mental health case my boss is currently prosecuting, and the combo of the two are forcing me to reevaluate my thoughts on the human psyche. Mental illness is a really complex and traditionally misunderstood disease. At what point does emotional stress become a disease that so alters the patient that they cannot (or should not) be held responsible for their actions? Every doctor knows the basic outline of treating a cancerous tumor, but even within the world of mental health there are several schools of thought with numerous approaches on how to treat this very dynamic disease. Also, the combo of nature and environment that causes mental illness intrigue me as well. As does the way America treats its mentally ill. Out of sight out of mind. Eff that noise. I don't know, I'm interested.

My apologies, today's entry has absolutely no continuity, much like my life these days! Oh well oh well!

EDIT: I just ate a bowl full of cherries ... and now I have a tummy ache!! Ha ha, go fig. Alas, it stopped raining and they called about my glasses! Here are some loverly videos that make me feel optimistic and summery:

Holy moly, this song is so catchy and makes me feel like going out and dancing! I lurve Karen O!

A classic.

Because this video is so damn summery, and because I miss you.

Self-explanatory goodness!

People move me. Yeah they really get me going.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Themes on The Odyssey

I need to have more courage. Last night was a pretty rough night and I'm not sure why, but I don't like feeling like this. Some days when all of my fear comes to a head I find myself living in the past and in the future.

Two periods that can do nothing for me today.

I'm tired of feeling mopey and squinty eyed. This weekend I will wear glasses and a pretty dress and dance with a cute grocer and hopefully have lots of fun. Boy, do I love weddings.

Also, Colbert shaved his head, whaaaa!? His left ear is folded down and makes him look like an orc. It makes me giggle.

Here is a blog that makes me smile. Beautiful baby mama, engaging papa. Someday I think I need to write extensively about the coolness of this series, but for now you should just check it out. Here is another cool blog about people trying not to be lazy and get - shit - done! (I can relate oh man can I relate). It inspired me to make a list with little check boxes of all the projects I want to get done before I leave. Speaking of leaving ...

I finally sent off my list of official documents (at the jaw dropping price of 70 bones, damn you FedEx) and if all that business checks out I get my contract and I will know the exact date I will be leaving. Ahhhhh. This shit is crazay, and it is thusly making me crazay. Must maintain extremely fragile grip on emotions.

Must live in the present. I think I'm going to make a blanket bed and cuddle up with the floor tonight. Must get a good night of sleep. Must not worry about stuff that is out of my control.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

So Much Water

This weekend I learned a lesson about unconditional love.
And saw many old darling friends.
And rolled in grass with dogs and hunted down run away cats.
And drank beer.
And ate two bites of jell-o at two a.m.
And walked a few miles from a broke down car with a smile on my face.

This weekend felt summery.

Now, I'm all tuckered out.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Summer in the City

Tonight I rode bikes for the fist time in Chicago ever! It was so much fun, and a lot less scary than I expected.

I really miss living in Logan Square, and I'm disappointed that I didn't fully take advantage of living there when I did. Who cares if I had a crazy landlord/roommate.

I went to a house show last night at my friend's place whom I haven't seen for an extremely long time and we were catching up and he said, "You're moving to S.Korea?" Thoughtful pause ...

"Aren't you going to be lonely?"

Of all the reactions I get, that was a very new and sad one. I was surprised and had to think about it for a moment ... "yeah, maybe, but I hope not." I shrugged my shoulders and talked about the thriving expatriate community, and how I had some friends there already. I got a little uncomfortable. But thinking about it now doesn't make me feel so awful. Unfortunately I'm the type of person that can feel lonely in a room crowded full of acquaintances. So I run the risk of loneliness where ever I go. I don't know what that says about me (probably not good), but loneliness isn't about location it's about a state of mind. That I realize.

One of the many reasons I'm excited about South Korea is that I get a chance to be the person that I'm really striving to be without having the background of being the person who I wasn't so happy with, flaky, anti-social, awkward, not-at-all punctual blah blah (this isn't a pity session), etc. It's hard when you are trying to change yourself and you have a momentary relapse and people aren't surprised, "well that's just so and so." If I'm a little lonely for a year, that's okay. I make a lot of excuses for myself, and I finally realized that's not how I want to live my life. I want to be do stuff, instead of just talking about doing stuff!

In the sunshine news sector: I FINALLY GOT NEW GLASSES, whoop! Two pairs.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

No Regrets

I get the best and the worst of you, and for that I'm thankful. But I'm certain of a few intangible truths that will come to pass over the next year. Bonds will be strengthened, but not ours. Friends will be made, but I won't know them. Memories will be made, but I won't be a part of them. You'll become super close to all the people I miss, I only hope my name comes up every so often.

Yeah it's only a year I tell myself, but we're young and fast and a lot changes in a year. I will be the outsider. What ever happened to The Last Unicorn? What's she up to?

Hopefully it will be a good year for the both of us and we'll have good stories to tell each other when we play at catch up. But still I get a little sad. Still I can't deny that I'd rather hang out with you over most anyone else.

But I'm part of the problem and being a good friend is part of the solution. Long distance friendships are where it's at. Right? ha ha. Time is slipping by so fast. I can't hold on to anything even for a moment. I can't sort out my relationships because everything is so fuzzy fast and comes with an expiration date. I'm sorry to a few people for that. I'm too busy and too loved to feel too lonely and I'm afraid that it's going to hit me like a steel wall when I find myself unable to sleep all alone in a foreign country. Oh well, we shall see, right? I know I'm going to be having a lot of solo underwear dance parties and that can't be bad!

On a less pensive note: I might be sad, but not this sad! Ha ha AND I totally dig Pandora internet radio! Mmmm Modest Mouse and Defiance, Ohio! And I'm finally uploading pictures from my California trip, what a pain! Holy crap it's already mid-June!

Monday, June 08, 2009

Thug Love

Last night I screened a bunch of tees for my friend's band with the face of Tupac Shakur on them, it was so much fun. I hadn't screened for a looong time, and it was the first job I did mainly on my own! They actually came out really well!

I'm proud of me.

I always forget how good it feels to produce things with your hands. I mean sure there are a few that got screwed up, but less than normal! Honestly I didn't even think that this project was going to come together due to time constraints (and a faulty opaque pen). Designs got switched the day of, and T. was at work so I had to hunt down all the supplies in her home, we were out of transparencies, and the screener (which is too heavy for me to move) was in a shed!

But in that shed, with the last remaining hours of sunlight, it all came together! I screened my little heart out, I got eaten by mosquitos, and then I ate some honey nut cheerios to celebrate! West Nile Yo!

I want to make more things! I want to make everything!

Also, I want a pair of white pants ... is this a really bad idea? Ha ha.

Thursday, June 04, 2009


Putting all my energy into the Korean language, so as not to implode.
Taught a little boy how to pee standing up today, that was interesting.

Yankee Korean? No, thank you, ha ha.

Kung Fu legend, David Carradine committed suicide in Bangkok yesterday; I used to watch that show with my dad. This is shaping up to be a rough and chilly summer for everyone. What gives? Maybe July will be better.

I think T. and I need to watch Wet Hot American Summer this weekend.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Kafka the Prophet, After Midnight

Man I got so much to write about. Current events that aren't so current anymore, that I wish that I had commented on, because I care, now seem dated. I drank coffee before bed again, which is nice, because I love nothing more than drinking coffee with people. But it's affecting my sleep. I need this sleep. And so my scrambled coffee brain can't produce anything useful (or rem patterns). Sorry everyone, I've been sucking it up with this blog lately. I also noticed that my punctuation gets all willy nilly on caffeine and lack of sleep. HA! So no current events I lack the concentration.

Instead my friends, a smorgasboard of junk for your internet roamings:

I'm getting a lot of danger flack for willingly going to a country where nukes are pointed at them. Guess what folks there are nukes pointed at you too. But really, you think I'm not freaked enough already? Luckily since I read this one book I wake up every morning and ask myself: Are you ready to die today? That was only like a month ago, but I've only said no once. That was because I needed to return a rental car, ha ha. Live life, it only happens once.

I saw UP this weekend and it was in 3-D (dang I love that extra dimension). I hung out with a bunch of ladies and I laughed so hard as we sat in the parking lot of Dominicks yucking it up. Up was the saddest Pixar movie that has ever existed. See it. I had crazy dreams of escape and intrigue after I watched it. Dang, I just remembered I saw two movies this weekend! The other was The Brother's Bloom. A classic con movie with a poetic twist. I am a sucker for the gentleman con and the lady smuggla! If everyone conned everyone the world would be a better place and we'd all be dressed super slick like.

My babies turn 3 tomorrow. I met them when they were no years old. Crazy. My little sister is graduating from high school the next day. Weird. I'm glad she liked it more than I did. I'm proud. I love her and wish I could spare her from the pain of coming out of adolescence. But she's a smartie with thick skin and I'm most certain she'll come out alive. I am digging the people they are all becoming.

Oh shit, I wrote a lil something for the first time since forever. Care to gander? Kundera's fiction, Le Guin's essays and O'hara's poems have been tickling my brain lately. And music, oh the music. I just can't seem to stop consuming the all consuming.

Fear drops away like cement. And the wind is blowing through this place and every couple of minutes I think someone's trying to come in. That doesn't bode well for sleep/heart.

Okay okay I'm going to force this sleep into my bones, I am cold and my nose needs to be blown. I don't know when I'll be coming back again, but hopefully next time it will be better than this garble.

Should I go see Johnathan Richman June 11 or 12? These are the questions I should really be asking myself at 1am.