Yesterday I ran. I ran so fast and so far. I found myself in the middle of a field and I yelled and I sang and danced to Sublime, Rancid, and Modest Mouse as loud as I could. I was the only one around for a couple of miles and, I didn't have to posture for anyone or apologize for my emotions or pretend that they weren't there.
It felt so good and honest. I was really alone for the first time in a couple of weeks and I felt like I could accomplish anything. I felt like I could be myself. I thought the best thing for me to do was to surround myself with people and let them help me understand this whole mess. I guess I realized in that field that while all the wonderful people and new connections are important this is my mess* and I need to handle it on my own. I hate long distance running, but the space it gave me to think and feel was worth the sweat and sore knees.
*Shameless good friends band promotion. I saw the opportunity and seized it like a lioness.
In other news I've been listening to a lot of music I don't usually listen to to avoid listening to other music, and it's very nice. Building a library is a labour of love.