Beware, this will be a long and wandering Blog.
First off it's snowing again and that makes me really unhappy. While I'm watching this snow fall I am sitting on the phone trying to figure out whether or not it was my bank or my phone company that illegally (stole) debited money from my bank account. Both of the parties are blaming it on each other and acting like it's not a big deal that $129 is missing from my account. I'm frustrated and trying to maintain my patience. Cingular went down the tubes since AT&T took it over, and National City can shove it. Apart from karaoke Monday and my sister's choir concert this has probably been one of the worst weeks I've had in a very long time.
On a somewhat happier note (sort of) a woman just called me to tell me that she found my wallet (with my debit card, transit card, driver's license, and some cash monies) outside of her work. She's bringing it to me at one o'clock. I didn't even know I lost it. It honestly gives me a mood boost that this woman was so cool about finding it and tracking me down. She called my college and they linked her to my cell phone. She's really sweet and I'm very grateful that she exists. Lame of me to be careless enough to lose something like that and not even know it.
Secondly, B. dropped me a line the other day and I found out that he is currently in CHIAPAS, MEXICO! It made me really excited and sort of sad at the same time. Excited because that is an awesome and interesting place to be absorbing, in this day and time. I just recently got very interested in the Zapatista movement. It's crazy how two people can take a lot of time off from each other and intermittently reconnect at very similar states of mind. I really miss that kid's presence in my life. It makes me sort of sad though because it forces me to reflect on how I'm spending my time.
I feel really antsy here, in Chicago, everyone knows that who reads this blog, but I am sort of stuck. I want to be doing things, but I can only read about them. I feel like I'm living two lives in two different places and half assing both of them. I can't establish a comfortable social network here, because I'm leaving every other weekend. I feel like every time I leave one place I miss what's going on in the other. Their is a lot of guilt attached to a lot of my life right now. The way I view the world has been changing a lot in the past eight months or so, and I find it hard to reconcile my two states of being.
I don't know. I've never been so frustrated in my life and I'm really afraid that next year will make me feel the same way. I want to make the best use of my time wherever I'm at. I want to not feel like I'm being judged on every little change that commences. Change is good. I put the kabash* on a lot of crappy things I used to do that brought me joy. Maybe I'm approaching my new mindset in a poor way. I suppose I need to be more sensitive to the fact that when someone's a certain way in a relationship for a long time even a gradual change can be upsetting. I still like to have fun, I'm still the same old Last Unicorn, I just like to be a lot less critical of people and don't like spending money on silly things!
I don't know. I just want everyone to be happy. Ladies and Gentle Giants that is a lot harder than it looks.
I break this egg and the woman is born and the man is born. And they will live and die together. But they will be born again. They will be born and they will die once more and be born another time. And they will never stop being born, because death is a lie.
Eduardo Galeano, 'Myths of the Makiritare Indians
*On kabash: I was double checking my spelling (so I didn't look like a jerk) on kabash and google said: Did you men kibosh? Even though right below it was the Hebrew dictionary that had the word kabash (def: to subdue, subjugate etc.) But I was curious was I using the word wrong and what does kibosh mean? In Merriam Webster's online dictionary the word kibosh is defined as: something that serves as a check or stop. Now I admit the more precise word would kibosh except I'm pretty sure they just stole the word from the Hebrew Lexicon and slightly tweaked it for English usage. I KNOW i know that's what the English language does, but the thing that really bugs me is that according to Merriam Webster the origin of this word is unknown. It in fact has an origin and that origin is Hebrew and it is a primitive root word for subjugation that is used at least once (sometimes more) in over half the books of the old testament. C'mon Websters let's give origin credit where orgin credit is do.
One more thing ... a slightly different form of Kabash is found in the online urban dictionary as Kabosh, verb AND noun, respectively "to end something" and "a termination."
Lastly, I'm resolving to be more proactive ... about everything. Maybe I can't be in Mexico defending the Zapatista movement, but that doesn't mean I have to feel like I am wasting my time. I can figure out ways to help at home. I can do my best to understand these new ideas I am steeped in and formulate ways to apply them to my everyday life. If I really believe in these things I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I am judged by them. I have a lot of growing still ahead of me and I can't let my origins hold me back. (See how I sort of brought that back around? I'm trying to make this entry a lot less random, but I think I failed, ha ha)
Have a lovely weekend.