Untitled

This is really fun.

A Builders Dream

I'm currently experiencing a sort of emotional hangover.  At the moment I feel exhausted and not really useful for anyone, and I'm struggling to maintain an openness toward others.  Though this feeling is isolating and it's not a space I'd like to spend too much time, I'm glad I'm getting better at identifying the triggering factors of this mood. For maybe the first time I find relief knowing that this malaise is transient.

I know that it's okay to need time alone, but the last couple of days I noticed myself falling back into old nasty patterns.  Personal patterns that are fear based and not quite understood.  Being strong for other people seems to be pushing me into a sort of defense state of my own.  Allowing certain people access and putting up blockades to others may feel easier, but it isn't growth minded.

I kicked the cat out of my room so I could get a good nights sleep.  Tiny steps to shaking this hangover and getting back to normal life (whatever that means).  I only feel a little guilty.

Elastic Heart

More Than Language

I felt liberated because I could smoke in a bar, and I wasn't even a smoker.  And we all talked about community.  In that scotch and soda moment, I realized I could get along anywhere.  I could move freely among so many circles.  I was that character in the book he gave me, except I had nothing to hide.

I had nothing to fear.

On this subject or that; Time worth living.

Is this difficult for you?

Extremely.  But I'll deal with it.

::2015::

The Ways We Die
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
They Ways We live


"Above all, greater security is a result of communicating your needs and being responsive to your partners needs. When you can do this effectively, you’ll find yourself less troubled and your relationships more happy and gratifying."

 - I forgot where this came from, but it's pretty legit.

Reconstruction Site

Just because you miss someone really hard, doesn't mean they'll come back. Ever.  So it's a-ok to be bummed.

It is one way to live...

He said I'm jealous of your life.  I told him I was jealous of his.  We laughed knowing one could have the other easily.  He looked at me long and hard, occasionally commenting on a habit or body part of mine.  I gave him a hard time about whatever I could think of, it was all I could do to keep from getting pulled in too deep.  I think I failed at this, but not miserably.

He said, "what are you thinking?"  Hating that question more than anything (and being honest and vulnerable), I still answered.

"Just between you and me ... I'm hungry and sad that you're leaving."
"Come here.  I'm sad too, but I'll be back."
And then we napped.  Me, soft and snoring, him lightly or not at all.

I never asked him to come, and I never took him seriously.  I didn't ask for any of this.  As he packed up his car I bit my lip anxious for him to leave so I could hide under my blankets.  He paused packing to ask himself just what he thought he was doing with his life?  I wasn't the only anxious one.

Come with me he said.  Maybe he meant it, maybe he said it because he knew I'd say no.  Maybe that was just me thinking no one can really love me.  And then we kissed like we were in a stupid movie.

I'll be back in a month, he said.  Undecided whether or not this would be a good thing.  He was gone almost as quickly as he arrived.  I searched for traces of him, of our time together, half convinced we never existed in the same space.

Forgiving

We're neither pure; nor wise; nor good; we do the best we know.
- Voltaire 

Anxious and Worrying