Sometimes

When I'm alone, I like to dance like Karen O. Apparently many others do this as well. Yea!

She might be one of my favorite lady rockers. Anyway.

Last night I fell tired early, but stayed up late thinking insane thoughts. I pondered turning the telly back on to fall asleep to Conan instead of my raging brain. The problem is, when I have the tv on my brain tunes into whatever is on, no matter how boring, I will stay up at least one and one half hours later that intended. I'm not such a big fan of the television to pacify anyway, so I turn it off. Unfortunately. unless I'm dead tired, the intended effect is usually worse. I'll end up staying up much later, and usually some tears are shed. So then I tried something I hadn't for a very long time, I prayed. When I was a kid without fail I would fall asleep mid prayer nearly every night.

Being a grown up who believes in science and magic more than god and religion I stopped praying. I'm also a grown up who has seen the scientific reports that prayer helps the brain. It sure helped my brain get to sleep as a kid. For a long time I fought the urge to send off my thoughts of things I couldn't control to the cosmos. I thought it would make me lazy, and less proactive about solving those problems myself.

Now, I know, I know.

I cannot change the behaviors of people, I cannot change when I do or don't get into nursing school, I can't change how much money I have, or whether or not my relationships blah blah blah and all the other things people furrow their brow over on their pillows.

So my brain was afloat last night, and I knew the things I was worrying about weren't even real issues. So, I reverted back to my little ten year old self. The Last Unicorn who knew that no matter what, she couldn't change the things that were bigger than herself; she just had to be the best she could be and send the rest off into the dark. So I was earnest and I went through the list of all the things that made my brain and heart hurt, and I sent them off into the cosmos. I still started off with dear god, but I knew that it meant something different for sort of grown up Last Unicorn than it did for 10 year old Last Unicorn.

My god did I fall asleep. I woke up knowing that it's alright to fuck things up and it's certainly fine to not be able to do it all yourself. Life's going to keep going on and on. A little piece of mind works wonders for the soul/sleep cycles.