...And Ever

Feeling a bit better.
Still daydreaming.
Longing for grass to lay in.
Planning summer on the cheap.
(the best way)

I'm going to find red lipstick, and have the audacity to wear it.
I'm going to make cut off jeans.
I'm going to long after this swimsuit but probably never get it ...

Not worrying (as much). Trying to appreciate winter a little more and/or just bearing down and dealing with it without losing my mind.

Going to see Legion next week, whoop!

Edit- I just read the reviews for Legion ...

I'm still excited to see it, ha ha.

I Still Reserve the Right to Complain

Work work working through winter blues.

We all gain we all lose.

Everyone's parents grow old.

Everyone gets lost or dumped on some way or another.

Everyone seeks to escape something, sometimes.

I want to be off doing god only knows.

I want to be the reel to reel, the projection on the old sheet, the lawn chair, the heavy stars, and the cold drink.

I want it to be my own real life.

I could be born again.

And again.

I want to throw a party

where everyone dresses up fancy.

and then puts on their sneakers

and jams to Paul Simon

and drinks just enough.

I want to go back to the ocean.

Everyone is trying to find

Places

People

Things that make them feel.

I mean really feel.

Feel like moving forward.

Winter pauses all that. The growth is gone. The potential is there but you can't get to it through the ice and the cloudiness in your brain.

I always feel like moving.

In the winter it feels like I have strings attached to all my joints.

I can move a little, but not enough to satisfy.

Tension.

ReCreates all the things that I want to leave alone.

Once I get squirrely, I become worrisome and anxious.

I start doubting all my constants. I start doubting myself.

I feel utterly contained in some kind of drab monotony.

All this from a season?

++

See, the thing is winter ends, and I know that. It always does. So why does it get me every year?

Why winter? Is it really that different?

Why does that note of hopelessness strike me so hard when the thermometer is below 30 degrees?

There's always the weight, but it's made lighter by the freedom of the loosening of boundaries.

The changes in store. The whoosh of seratonin. The magic of a warm night.

I'm impatient, and that's probably what gets me.

Oh yes, digging my hands in the dirt, I can smell it.

Side stepping the slugs, I can feel them.

Closing your eyes to block the sun, I can still see it.

Riding my bike as fast as I can, oh yeah.

I'm a fish gliding through the water. A lightening bug flitting through a dark night. These things, we don't do well in the cold. Why can't I hibernate and emerge sometime in March like a fatty Monarch. Maybe in a way I do, but the wait, oh the wait.

So I wait, instead of doing.

I'm in my little deep freeze.

Waking up, sloooowly.

Okay, I feel a little better already. Gettin it out. Listening to more music. Right, that's what this blog is for:

CATHARSIS

SYNTHESIS

CREATIVE

EXPRESSIONS

I'm sitting by a window trying to absorb whatever sunlight will eek through. I'm listening to music that makes me feel inspired. I'm thinking. This is what I want to do and this is what I want to say and this is what I want to feeel. And why didn't I push play before or call these people before AND THEN enough with the why and the how comes ...

I can't do anything about the seasons or control life outside my own actions. Change is always happening I got to roll with it, the good the bad and the blustery.

I suppose I should do some studying now.

<3

ParaSagitalCutz

In bed

Memorizing medical terminology

Feeling Distant

Wishing for warm weather

Wanting to go camping

Real Bad

Dent Heart

Family crisis keeps me up at night.

Dropping tears and turning scenarios in my head.

Eyeballs eventually dry from blank blinking.

Someday they are going to give me an aneurysm

Or something.

It's so cold you'd think I could stay cool.

Ay yay yay.

The Myth of the Self Made Man or Woman

A true revolutionary is guided by feelings of love.

- Ernesto Guevara

What am I doing?

More Cowbell Please

The Wheel of Time

My leg hair is so long that when I'm walking around in shorts at home I can feel it flap around. It really tickles. I'm ready for spring.

Today I watched the Werner Herzog film, "Wheel of Time" about the 2002 Buddhist Kalachakra initiation. My favorite scene was a monk buying a handful of flitting birds from a street vendor. The monk held the four or so birds in his hands for a minute and then set his eyes to a nearby tree and thrust his arms toward the sky.

Werner Herzog asked the monk why he did that, the monk said, "Every living thing is equal and every living thing has a chance at enlightenment, but you cannot be enlightened unless you are free."

Now, I don't know how I feel about a man selling birds so people can pay him to free them or enlightenment or even Buddhism for that matter, but I sure can get down with the sentiment and statement of the monk. It says so much about how I'd like to live my life.

The Season of Giving

Got myself Netflix for Christmas and I'm waaay too excited. Thanks thee three wise man for instantly watchable streaming movies. Now who wants to watch documentaries on my laptop allday erryday!?

Queue it up ya'll.

Words From the Wise

Last night two men spoke to me in ways that made me think and act.

One said, "If you want to go, go."

So then I went and just so I was knocked out of my bad mood and I saw old friends and met new ones and I laughed and it was exactly what I needed to feel good on a suburban winter night.

Another said in reaction to my slightly sheepish response to the question, "What do you do?" "Ah, so you like to take care of people. The world would be a better place if there were more people like you."

Prior to that statement and especially among the company of artists and archaeologists I answer that question with a little offense and a shrug of my shoulders. Through an endearing stranger I better understood myself. Do I love art? Yes, and sometimes I create it. Am I a lover of knowledge and solver of puzzles? Oh yes. Do I love my job? Most days. So why then should my body slightly recoil at the question? Oh, I'm just a nanny and I am just going to school to be a nurse.

Just a nanny? Just a nurse?

Checked. It's not as glitzy sounding as rocking a gallery opening or dusting off exotic rocks, but he's right, I like to take care of people. I am The Last Unicorn and I like to take care of people and I'm better at it than I am at most things. Is the mathematician shy about the fact that she is adept at the language of numbers? No! Does the fashion designer wear his own clothes? Of course. I'm proud of my skills and I love what I do and that was the last time I'll ever answer that question with anything less than enthusiasm.

The fundamentals of life are deceptively simple. If you want to go, go. If you want something get it. Because you won't be "going or getting" if you never try. Slowly, but surely I'm getting better at this in my life. For me, it all boils down to overcoming one form of fear or another.

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas!