No Regrets

I get the best and the worst of you, and for that I'm thankful. But I'm certain of a few intangible truths that will come to pass over the next year. Bonds will be strengthened, but not ours. Friends will be made, but I won't know them. Memories will be made, but I won't be a part of them. You'll become super close to all the people I miss, I only hope my name comes up every so often.

Yeah it's only a year I tell myself, but we're young and fast and a lot changes in a year. I will be the outsider. What ever happened to The Last Unicorn? What's she up to?

Hopefully it will be a good year for the both of us and we'll have good stories to tell each other when we play at catch up. But still I get a little sad. Still I can't deny that I'd rather hang out with you over most anyone else.

But I'm part of the problem and being a good friend is part of the solution. Long distance friendships are where it's at. Right? ha ha. Time is slipping by so fast. I can't hold on to anything even for a moment. I can't sort out my relationships because everything is so fuzzy fast and comes with an expiration date. I'm sorry to a few people for that. I'm too busy and too loved to feel too lonely and I'm afraid that it's going to hit me like a steel wall when I find myself unable to sleep all alone in a foreign country. Oh well, we shall see, right? I know I'm going to be having a lot of solo underwear dance parties and that can't be bad!

On a less pensive note: I might be sad, but not this sad! Ha ha AND I totally dig Pandora internet radio! Mmmm Modest Mouse and Defiance, Ohio! And I'm finally uploading pictures from my California trip, what a pain! Holy crap it's already mid-June!

Thug Love

Last night I screened a bunch of tees for my friend's band with the face of Tupac Shakur on them, it was so much fun. I hadn't screened for a looong time, and it was the first job I did mainly on my own! They actually came out really well!

I'm proud of me.

I always forget how good it feels to produce things with your hands. I mean sure there are a few that got screwed up, but less than normal! Honestly I didn't even think that this project was going to come together due to time constraints (and a faulty opaque pen). Designs got switched the day of, and T. was at work so I had to hunt down all the supplies in her home, we were out of transparencies, and the screener (which is too heavy for me to move) was in a shed!

But in that shed, with the last remaining hours of sunlight, it all came together! I screened my little heart out, I got eaten by mosquitos, and then I ate some honey nut cheerios to celebrate! West Nile Yo!

I want to make more things! I want to make everything!

Also, I want a pair of white pants ... is this a really bad idea? Ha ha.

Annyeong-haseyo

Putting all my energy into the Korean language, so as not to implode.
Taught a little boy how to pee standing up today, that was interesting.


Yankee Korean? No, thank you, ha ha.

Kung Fu legend, David Carradine committed suicide in Bangkok yesterday; I used to watch that show with my dad. This is shaping up to be a rough and chilly summer for everyone. What gives? Maybe July will be better.

I think T. and I need to watch Wet Hot American Summer this weekend.

Kafka the Prophet, After Midnight

Man I got so much to write about. Current events that aren't so current anymore, that I wish that I had commented on, because I care, now seem dated. I drank coffee before bed again, which is nice, because I love nothing more than drinking coffee with people. But it's affecting my sleep. I need this sleep. And so my scrambled coffee brain can't produce anything useful (or rem patterns). Sorry everyone, I've been sucking it up with this blog lately. I also noticed that my punctuation gets all willy nilly on caffeine and lack of sleep. HA! So no current events I lack the concentration.

Instead my friends, a smorgasboard of junk for your internet roamings:

I'm getting a lot of danger flack for willingly going to a country where nukes are pointed at them. Guess what folks there are nukes pointed at you too. But really, you think I'm not freaked enough already? Luckily since I read this one book I wake up every morning and ask myself: Are you ready to die today? That was only like a month ago, but I've only said no once. That was because I needed to return a rental car, ha ha. Live life, it only happens once.

I saw UP this weekend and it was in 3-D (dang I love that extra dimension). I hung out with a bunch of ladies and I laughed so hard as we sat in the parking lot of Dominicks yucking it up. Up was the saddest Pixar movie that has ever existed. See it. I had crazy dreams of escape and intrigue after I watched it. Dang, I just remembered I saw two movies this weekend! The other was The Brother's Bloom. A classic con movie with a poetic twist. I am a sucker for the gentleman con and the lady smuggla! If everyone conned everyone the world would be a better place and we'd all be dressed super slick like.

My babies turn 3 tomorrow. I met them when they were no years old. Crazy. My little sister is graduating from high school the next day. Weird. I'm glad she liked it more than I did. I'm proud. I love her and wish I could spare her from the pain of coming out of adolescence. But she's a smartie with thick skin and I'm most certain she'll come out alive. I am digging the people they are all becoming.

Oh shit, I wrote a lil something for the first time since forever. Care to gander? Kundera's fiction, Le Guin's essays and O'hara's poems have been tickling my brain lately. And music, oh the music. I just can't seem to stop consuming the all consuming.

Fear drops away like cement. And the wind is blowing through this place and every couple of minutes I think someone's trying to come in. That doesn't bode well for sleep/heart.

Okay okay I'm going to force this sleep into my bones, I am cold and my nose needs to be blown. I don't know when I'll be coming back again, but hopefully next time it will be better than this garble.

Should I go see Johnathan Richman June 11 or 12? These are the questions I should really be asking myself at 1am.

Poker Face

I'm trying my best. Really.

Homeward Bound

Time and space is skewed.
Frisco, Sacramento, Hollywood, Bakersfield, PESCA-Fucking-Dero, Santa Cruz. Insane contrast.
I'm not even sure what day of the week it is.

After one of the more wild nights in my life (I may or may not have given T. a concussion) T. and I roadtripped (three hours) back from Sacramento to our hostel on very little sleep. We ate a little, napped a little, and then tackled miles of Redwood forest. Holy crap.

One minute I'm being that girl and the next I'm taking pictures of banana slugs and being dwarfed by mammoth trees. Who the heck am I? This trip has been crazy. California is crazy. Life is crazy.

Chicago tomorrow before I wreck some more homes. Home tomorrow so I can get back to normal. Whatever that means.

Deep sleep tonight. Goodbyes tomorrow. Watermelon for breakfast. Pictures to come.

Oh Gee

The Last Unicorn is a sucker for a few things. Ha.

T R O U B L E.

Davy Jones' Liquor Locker

Brief California update:

Apparently there was an earthquake the first night I was here.  I was too whiskey drunk to notice.

Shame on me.

Venice beach is grrrreat people watching.  I saw a man jump off a chair onto crushed 40oz bottles!  Sick.  "Here comes the blood here comes the blood."

Riding bikes to the ocean and then swimming in it might be the closest I'll ever get to heaven.

(If only it wasn't so salty)

High school reunions are pretty cool.

I can feel the physical distance. Fuck that noise.

Two words: YOGURT LAND.

I want two.

Sunburn! Jet lag! Wavy salt hair!

BIG big interview with Ministry of Education tonight.  Nervous town. Wish me luck.  

Stay real people. <3

Interpreter of Maladies

Last night I attended a dinner party of sorts and bumped elbows with famous molecular biologists and charming ornithologists. I tried my best to be graceful and honest. I was honest. I ate good food and tried to follow along.

The host of said party was a completely beautiful phD student from South Africa. For me this woman was not only a gracious host but will remain in my mind an example of the kind of woman I hope to be one day and can strive to be in the present. She was confident without being arrogant, comfortable in her own skin, natural, honest, smart, witty, open, adventurous, and most of all she seemed absolutely grateful for the life that has been given to her. I don't know she held so many qualities that couldn't be described with words but could only be experienced. She's the type of person that makes you feel warm and welcome. To me that's priceless.

I feel so weird right now. Every experience seems to be viewed through this weird lens of change. Not just the changes I'm going through, but life change in general (love, death, loss). Despite my age, in the scheme of things I've really only begun to experience life. And I am barely begininng to understand the true nature of it, the fact that life can be both highly comic and deeply tragic all in the same breath. Fate is a holy terror and a supreme blessing. All I can do is hang on tightly and keep breathing. This afternoon I watched a movie on a book I read earlier in the year (The Namkesake). The movie was true to the book and only enhanced the richness of the story. It was all about how life is unpredictable and can often be harsh and sad, but ultimately beautiful. Well that and the contrast of being an Indian and an Indian American, but I could relate less to that aspect (heh). Although, I totally want a Bengali wedding AND funeral. Anyway...

Sometimes it is hard to see the beauty in certain situations. Hard to let time take something and shape it, instead of our own hands. I like how the the books I read (and sometimes the movies) have a way of aligning with the things that are going on in my life. I recently just picked up what I assumed to be a fluff book, Tuesdays with Morrie. I flew through the first 100 pgs over the span of a train ride. The book is about an older man with a terminal illness teaching a younger man how to live a full life. I figured it would be mass appeal goodness. While that may be true (it is a best seller) within the first 100 pgs I had bit my lip to avoid tears and whipped out my little black book to jot down something that I never wanted to forget. Again, magically aligning with what I'm going through at the moment. Let me share.

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?"
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take things for granted.
A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."

Tension of opposites baby. Tension of opposites. But in the end if it's true, love will win out. As I read that passage a wave of calm washed over me. Whatever shall be, shall be, DUDE. Hopefully now I'll be able to get some god damned sleep, heh.

So here I am thinking and packing and trying to see the beauty in my life. It's not hard to find. It's a sad kind of beauty, but with lot's of potential. It's hard to throw your life to the wind. It's hard to let go. Really hard, ha ha. As the illustrious Crystal Cabinet says, "Change is tough. Gotta make it work for you." So I'm gonna change my mindset and try to make all this bidness work for me. I'm going to live my life the best I can. I'm going to let fate take it's stupid course. Ha ha. I'm going to be the best friend I can be.

Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for the west coast. The beginning of the first of many adventures. I know if I'm having trouble finding the beauty in my life, I will surely find it among the redwoods and the crash of the ocean. Holy moly I'm excited.

I'm taking my foot off of the brake.

Are you out of your vulcan mind?

One of my babies accidentally and irreparably broke my glasses yesterday. I cried. I tried really hard not to, but when said baby then flung his food off the table I sort of lost it. I sat in the bathroom and had myself a good cry.

I was upset because too damn much is changing in my life. My glasses were my security blanket and now I don't even have that! I lose everything, but I had those glasses for almost four years. They became part of my face. It really is an end of an era in my life, and I'm stubborn to except that.

I'm okay now, save for a headache. I've been meaning to get new glasses for like six months so it's really not that big of a deal, but you know change is a bit easier when you can control it. I feel as though there isn't too much I have control of these days.

So now I'll just go about feeling naked and squinting until I get back from the west coast.

RIP red glasses, you were good to me. Let's hope I can find some specs half as sweet.