A Pocket Full of Plans

I wish I could fast forward in time to where my heart matches what my mind knows is right. I have a clean slate ahead of me without baggage weighing me down (I hope), and the possibility to see what I'm really made of, why does that seem so scary?

I'm slowly working through all that is floating around in my gut and my head and my stupid wonderful heart. I realize it's okay to feel anger, frustration, or betrayal. I have to be willing to embrace all the feelings I got inside me, but it doesn't have to be directed at anyone or any event.

This sucks any way you slice it, and it was unavoidable any way you slice it. The thing is, that night, we weren't okay and that's okay. That's another brutality of life. Some pain, some problems simply can't be talked away, and I want to try and accept that with as much grace as possible. Life is crazy and unpredictable. Growth is sometimes very damn awful painful, but who wants to stay the same forever?

I wasn't honest with myself when I thought that this would be easy for anyone involved. Today is all right, yesterday was awful (not sleeping the night before sure as hell didn't help), and the passage of time will be the only way to find out what tomorrow will be. Cliche, but true. Living your own life is one of the hardest responsibilities to accept.

Talk about cosmic, the last paragraph in the book I just finished this afternoon:

"But she needed no more advice and no more instruction. She was calm and quiet now with knowing what she had always known, what neither her parents nor Aunt Claire nor anyone else had ever had to teach her: that if you wanted to do something absolutely honest, something true, it always had to be a thing that had to be done alone."

On a lighter note --- GO CUBS GO!

If Winter Ends

I've never been this tired and hungry in my entire life without being able to really rectify either. I feel like a deep dark well. If you threw a penny into my mouth you could watch it fall out of sight and hear the clanking echo when it finally reached my toes.

Not to mention that Spring decided to be a bitch and crawl back into the groundhog hole to give winter a last gasp. Why is it April already and why is there fucking snow on the fucking pavement?

It's gonna be allright
It's gonna be allright
It's gonna Be allright
It's gonna be allright

Haunted Graffiti

I had no faith among the believers.
I was lost at the big tent revival.
I had spring fever. I woke up to snow.
I would be lying if I said I didn't like it.
I would be a liar if I said I enjoyed it.

I was an unbeliever among the faithful.
A lonely company to keep.

On Ariel Pink:
I had drank too much. Maybe not enough? I just couldn't get over how many of his fans (NOT T. thank goodnass) pawed at him so reaching out to stroke his face, to catch a single drop of his holy sweat. It was weird. I'm not saying it was awful, but I just don't get "it." I felt like I've seen his character in ghost forms, supercilious sentimentality with a crust of pretentious poverty and I wasn't impressed. Empirically Ariel Pink is a very sweet man though, and his back up band Haunted Graffitti is pretty damn great. But I'm no critic, so dig it for yourself.

I had fun though. Malt liquor and best friends and familiar faces in dark and unfamiliar, well you know the rest, can't beat it. I miss wasting all my money on shows. Anyway you slice it music stimulates, and that's never a completely bad thing.

Here's some of that:


On his songs:
"It's sad because it's happiness from something that no longer exists."
- Ariel Pink

Late Night Bloomer

Last night I met a strange strange man at a bus stop that buses were no longer stopping at. He gave me good directions and walked his bike with me telling me all about how hard it is to smoke from a one hitter while pushing a bike while it's raining! The bus took forever and here I was in the middle of Chicago at 2 a.m. talking about life with a strange man. He made me laugh pretty hard when he said, ''I hope you aren't a cop, but if you are just let me smoke this once more before you arrest me. I looked at him like he was crazy and then we both burst into laughter when a REAL cop walked by.

It was strange how comfortable I felt with Phil. My mother would tell me that I should have been less talkative and more guarded. I can't say that for a moment I didn't feel a twinge of uneasiness as he started to walk his bike along mine, but I'm glad he was around to tell me not to wait for a bus that wasn't coming and for his company. Phil is definitely one of the most optimistic people I've ever met. As we waited for that bus we talked about all of life's little pleasures and it was so refreshing to 'hang' out with someone so excited to be living life. After we had been waiting for the bus for about half an hour we finally saw one coming as we concurrently read the sign that the bus we were waiting for didn't stop at this particular stop. "Allright," Phil said, "We gotta make this! I'll go ahead on my bike and stall while you make a run for it!" So I did. Laughing all three blocks. Traffic sucks in Chicago even at 2 a.m. so we made it in plenty of time. When we got on the bus three guys in the back said HEY PHIL!!! They seemed really excited to see him. We went our separate ways.

I'll probably never seem him again, but I really glad that I know people like him exist. The degree of gratitude for life and openness to people is something I can strive for in my own life. Plus I totally would never have gotten home without running into him!

40MPH Gusting Winds

WHAT THE FUCK? Why am I so anti-social? My parents used to give me crap for being a "social butterfly" and now I have to convince myself to go out! I feel lame.

add. I've been convinced, now I don't feel so lame, but STILL why I got to be convinced?

Sometimes I don't get me.

Pressure Drop

I FIXED MY COMPUTER!!!!!!! FOR FREE. IT INVOLVED REMOVING THE LCD BEZEL. I FEEL EMPOWERED. YEA.

It's also very warm and I'm going to cook delicious food with my friends. This is a good weekend.

whooop.

Gusher Case

I feel hungover from the nice weather. We're all so tired today. I know I'll be so tired tomorrow.
Me and the baby boys who aren't so much babies anymore rode the bus for the first time without a million grownups telling us what to do, and all of a sudden their world got so big. The possibilities unfolded as each stop passed us by; We could ride the bus to Millennium Park and play in the water or we could go to see sharks and oh the adventures that nice weather bring.

Yesterday I spent two and one half hours glazing building blocks for friends in outrageous colors. My neck and lungs sort of hurt, but hopefully the end product will be worth the pain. I still haven't got tired of playing with clay!

And oh I just can't wait to see S. and stay up late and drink wine or not and hold hands and I don't care if it has only been two weeks I still can't wait to see his lovely face.

Beat It as sung by Leonard Cohen

This weekend was exactly what I needed (wild, fun, interesting). I got to hang out with a bunch of people in a bunch of different settings and for once when I was home I didn't feel like I was neglecting anyone!

I'm not completely funk free, but boy do I feel better, AND it's supposed to be sunny and 65 degrees out tomorrow!

Yes.

Woe is Moi!

I really hate when I get like this!
Anyway this weekend should be decent.

Aaaand this morning one of my kids peed into a toy cooking pot and it made me laugh more than it made me angry that he was peeing in pots instead of potties. That's a good start right?

I just need to get out more. Rumour has it, it's supposed to be nice out tomorrow.

Mine's Not a High Horse

Something I wrote a few days ago on a rainy afternoon.

Apology to Paul Simon: Strange and Mournful Day Little Darling of Mine.
It was a rainy day and she felt all alone.
She laid in the middle of the floor while listening to her favorite rainy day man stream from the speakers of her computer which she imagined was an old radio and that instead of a high rise on a rainy day she was somewhere green and nostalgic.
Some days she felt as if she knew no one and nobody knew her.


Still girl tomorrow's another day.

Earlier today I sat in a cafe sipping tea and reading the most depressing book I've ever read in my entire life (Messiah, Gore Vidal), and on the radio played a trio of strings that plucked the melancholy right out of my stomach and plopped it on the table for me to stare at. What gives?

I feel like the most unremarkable creature that ever lived. The only place I've felt really good at lately is my ceramics class! Why the heck am I so off? Is this the last croaks of winter getting their miserable kicks on me before sweet spring sets in? Is this funk lingering from troubles past or coming from projected future troubles?

I think I've just been watching too much television. I'm such a rat in the winter. Instead of avoiding people the whole season I should just completely avoid books and television; I'm too impressionable and easily bored, respectively. These are the times I wish I still played soccer!

321 Funk Be GONE! (Ireallyneedtogetoutmoredomoresmilemorehangoutmore).