Preternatural Longings, the Skin of My Emotions

Lately I've been contemplating the meaning of life. I know it's a lofty pursuit, but for the first time I'm approaching the question honestly shedding preconceived notions that have been force fed to me. By meaning of life I mean to figure out MY meaning. Aside from why the hell humans exist, I need to figure why The Last Unicorn exists. What are my goals in life, what is (for lack of a better term) my destiny.

I've shed the remaining shards of my decidedly (though self-motivated) religious up-bringing. I respect religion (to a certain extent) and am thankful for its part in my life. I don't think I would be the woman I am today without that sojourn into something much larger than myself. Some of my fondest adolescent memories are from my many summers at church camp. So a theistic angle is not my motivation for getting up in the morning. I could get into why, but that's an entirely separate blog entry. Suffice it to say that I won't live my life by fear and guilt.

With that said let's move on to the almost as holy as god pursuit MONEY! Well that's a moot point. I hate money. I think the wage system is slavery. I got a college degree so I can work as a nanny and volunteer ha ha! I need money to eat and hopefully to travel. Anything else is just icing on the cake. If money becomes my life pursuit I give you fair readers permission to shoot me dead. Just don't spend too much moola on a funeral!

Next up on the docket, spreading my seed (look I've got seeds too, I just don't shoot them out of my wiener). With that said, I don't have a burning moral need to pro-create. Yes, I am a woman and cannot completely ignore the human biological need to make a baby and nurture the hell out of it, BUT I will ignore this as best as I can. If I can't NOT nurture I'll adopt. It's a lot easier than you think! But alas, at this juncture in my life having my babies till dinner time is all the nurturing I need. That and bugging my boyfriend about eating his fruits and vegetables! There are literally millions of Perez's in the world who are making plenty of babies so I think I'm cool with my 'name' living on (that's so hokey anyway). So a mother I may be someday (maybe to a guinea pig), but it is not my priority and/or life pursuit. Though I respect that some women contend to the fact that they were born to be mothers (isn't anyone born to be a father?).

I don't see myself obsessively pursuing any one subject (as my interests tend to ebb and flow like crazy). I am committed to the idea of alleviating the needless suffering of humans and animals, but this is true, I am only one woman. Eventually I may devote much of my time to some kind of social or medical not for profit work, but that is only a means not an end. I will never end suffering, prejudice, or wrong doing. It will always be what I do, not who I am.

Am I searching for knowledge? Well of course, but nothing is absolute what is true today may not be true tomorrow. I think that knowledge is the key to viewing each other in a truly human way and ignorance is dehumanizing. But knowledge gaining is an inevitable part of life, in many ways it is a very unconscious pursuit. Sure I will always seek new perceptions and blurbs of enlightenment, but when asked what I want to do with my life saying that I've accumulated a wealth of knowledge would be silly. Like money, on my death bed what is all this knowledge going to get me? All I can ask from knowledge is the opportunity to live an honest and clarified life.

What are my personal motivations for living?

My ideal life is a combination of constantly seeking beauty in the world and (all) people, good food, good company, decreasing suffering when I can, and ultimately resolving inner conflict.

I feel as though resolving inner conflict is the only thing that will truly benefit me during my life and also on my death bed. Did I live the best life I could? Do I have regrets? Was I a good friend sister mother lover? Is that my main life pursuit? Perhaps my destinies are many and my 'meaning' an ever changing wraith, but in the end have I resolved the conflicts that lie within my mind, because perhaps all of life is an elaborate series of contrivances to distract you from the fact that you are dieing so all that really matters is how you feel about your self and actions.

That may sound self-absorbed but the beauty of the resolution of inner conflict is that you are your harshest critic. If my actions don't align with my feelings I must ACT to RESOLVE. The magic of living is that when meaning is in the hand of the beholder it can be fantastic, adventurous, and well always meaningful (if you so deem it)! So is it okay not to have a solid graspable measurable life goal? Or am I just a weirdo? What is your life pursuit? Your greater purpose?

Oh, I don't know, ha ha. Maybe I will change my mind about all this tomorrow or be struck by an all consuming tangible purpose! For now I'll count down the days until spring.

John Updike died on January 27th and I didn't find out until yesterday. His short story "A&P" moved me as a very young adult. I can say that I've never read anything else by him, but the narrator of "A&P's" quiet rebellion has always resonated with me. RIP, mister, thanks for instilling in me the courage to take a "stand for [my] version of what is right, [in the] face of disappointment."

Carpe Diem, chumps!

At a Distance

I'm reading three books right now that I really dig. How often does that happen? I neglected books and music and that makes me dishonest with myself and sort of a jerk. Ha ha, at least I've acknowledged this fact.

I'm pining for springs and things that are abstract and distant. All I want is a little warmth and sun.

I have a precious lot of vintage dresses that I intend to offer up in a clothing swap. If you know me, you know how much these mean to me. Fact stated, I'm trying to figure out what that means to me. Maybe I just need new old dresses.

It's so hard to be spontaneous in winter. Everything is harder in the winter. How does one go about revolting the winter (besides going south). Who says we weren't meant to hibernate? Wake up honey, it's spring, did you sleep well? Let's go forage and frolic in the water!

Okay I'm getting tired.
Four things to get excited about this week: 1. Using the pottery wheel (for the first time ever) in ceramics class. 2. Surprise visitor from Turkey! 3. Seeing my sister act in a play as a zombie (how cool is that?) 4. TITUS ANDRONICUS show at Logan Square auditorium!!

Whispers into the Other

Oh it's nice to come back to an old friend you know and love. I forgot how affecting music is, and how utterly reviving it can be. Making mixes, making out music, making myself listen to new (and old but not forgotten) music, I feel like a warm current is running through my body and mind. How could I have fallen off the wagon?

Mmmm.

Happiness is an Illusion...anyway.

I spent a great part of my young life trying to make people see things from my point of view. I think it's high time I stopped viewing everything from the interior and started seeking answers from the exterior.

In other words, I should try a bit harder to assess situations based not only on my own feelings and assumptions but those of others.

In other OTHER words, I should try not to be such a stinker and an overthinker. <3

Inauguration

It's really sunny out today.

A Drunk Post, Hey, any ladies who want to have some fun with a 21/m/with cam, PM me

Please inform the captain this is a hijack.

Boys these days are a lot more misogynist than they realize. I'm glad my boyfriend understands the politics of penis, and doesn't buy into that shit. He appreciates 'lady' in all its beautiful and not so beautiful facets. Thank the stars...

Today I was watching "The Duchess" on my lap top and the battery ran out. I think I can relate to a woman with an opinion or twelve. Of course the battery dies and the momentum dies down.

Do you miss my all time low?

ADDENDUM: Wow, I really was quite drunk when I wrote this. Ha ha. Red wine fever. I'm all cooped up, boo for winter!

Peanut Butter Butt Plug

Victoria's secret has a new bra that claims it is proven to "tighten, firm and enhance the appearance of your bust - all you have to do is wear it." As long as you wear it for eight hours a day for eight weeks. No creams involved!


Weird.

America loves big firm boobies, and I don't get it. Why don't you just throw around a football?

Louise Bourgeois

This woman makes the coolest art, and is so dang fascinating! She turned 97 this December.

Rock My Future Obama

I've gotten about six emails in the past four days from the official Obama campaign asking for money and/or offers to buy exclusive commemorative merchandise.

I get it. In this country you need moola to get things done, but there is something that weirds me out about it. What the hell is he going to do with all of this money?

The site sells everything from designer tees for $45.oo to $150.00 'woven' blankets. Sayyyyy Whaaaaat!?

Bloody Pumping Organ

Some days I feel so optimistic and giddy about the possibilities our lives hold that it makes me ashamed.