Reconstruction Site

Just because you miss someone really hard, doesn't mean they'll come back. Ever.  So it's a-ok to be bummed.

It is one way to live...

He said I'm jealous of your life.  I told him I was jealous of his.  We laughed knowing one could have the other easily.  He looked at me long and hard, occasionally commenting on a habit or body part of mine.  I gave him a hard time about whatever I could think of, it was all I could do to keep from getting pulled in too deep.  I think I failed at this, but not miserably.

He said, "what are you thinking?"  Hating that question more than anything (and being honest and vulnerable), I still answered.

"Just between you and me ... I'm hungry and sad that you're leaving."
"Come here.  I'm sad too, but I'll be back."
And then we napped.  Me, soft and snoring, him lightly or not at all.

I never asked him to come, and I never took him seriously.  I didn't ask for any of this.  As he packed up his car I bit my lip anxious for him to leave so I could hide under my blankets.  He paused packing to ask himself just what he thought he was doing with his life?  I wasn't the only anxious one.

Come with me he said.  Maybe he meant it, maybe he said it because he knew I'd say no.  Maybe that was just me thinking no one can really love me.  And then we kissed like we were in a stupid movie.

I'll be back in a month, he said.  Undecided whether or not this would be a good thing.  He was gone almost as quickly as he arrived.  I searched for traces of him, of our time together, half convinced we never existed in the same space.

Forgiving

We're neither pure; nor wise; nor good; we do the best we know.
- Voltaire 

Anxious and Worrying

In the Dust of This Planet

The silence on the other side of the line
     Expressing
A rejection of something is
An acceptance of another
     Nothing
The loudest mic drop

You Forgot It in People

I'm tired of cute pet videos on the internet.  There.  I said it.

Tiffin

And then he wanted to sit on the same side of the booth...

The Dark Side of Love

The two men that have had the greatest impact on me have both put P.J. Harvey on mixes for me.  I'm sure there is something to be gleaned from that fact, but who's to say what that is.

I've Always Struggled with Beginnings

I feel I am on the precipice of ... something.  Every beginning signals an end to something else.  I think that's why I often fight so hard against change, not because I want to maintain the status quo necessarily, but because I am stubborn to let other things go.  Letting go is scary, but I know it's important.  

Listing the Ways

It was his toast, it was her weather.
- The Body Artist, Don Delillo 

Hungarian Rhapsody #2 in c sharp minor

I saw myself sitting alone on the cold basement floor as a young girl, still unaware of the concept of loss.

"I Hate Sleeping Alone -oh - oh -oooone"

Today I realized in one way or another, all of my favorite books and stories are about how sad and fantastical love is.

"I was much younger, much hungrier, much more alone.  But I was myself, pared down to the essentials."
- Hajime, South of the Border, West of the Sun, Haruki Murakami  

Daze Off

Hanging out with myself, making foods, dranking fancy coffee, listening to sort of sad music, uber bike maintenance, couldn't be more content.  Finally alone but not lonely. 

Let the Right One In

I cannot commit to ANYTHING.  This is a problem that must be addressed with loving kindness.

Everyone needs their one that got away right?

My only regret is that I never told him how I felt when I had the chance.

Stay Hungry

This is so inspiring.

You have to start somewhere, right?

5 year - BSN, Puerto Rico, move out of DKB House
10 year - NP, Out of the country

I'm in Here

As per our conversation, I am developing a 5,10, and 15 year plan.  Forecast es muy bueno.

Dad as sung by the Blizzard Babies

Yesterday I called my Papi to tell him Happy Birthday! and to tell him that I love him.  When I asked him what he wanted he said all that he wanted was for me to visit more.  Le sigh.  I will try my best to honor this wish, because I love him and that is not much to ask.  I think I've created enough emotional distance between me and the reasons that make it so challenging to be around my family and not feel so exhausted.


In other Dad news, I went on a really fantastically awesome date with a Dad.  A DAD.

Dog's Life

I was barking up all the wrong trees.

Let's Not Try to Figure Everything Out at Once

So I started a new decade of my life.  I left behind the quintessential 20's.  There is less guidance out there about your 30s, I think.  I'm okay with that.  I'm so full with excitement and gratitude.  I really do feel different.  I'm armed with a sense of awe of everything that has passed and an excitement of everything that has yet to come.  

I'm fucking excited about the unknown.  This is a new feeling for the last unicorn.  But whatever, that is a whole 'nother blog post.  As a gift to myself I pledge to for at least the next month to try out new things.  I will make one new recipe, try one new activity (that is a very loose term BTW), or complete one project off my DIY board per week.  Maybe I'll document it on here, maybe not. 

I am learning slowly but surely that change is really really good.  Bring it on, all of it.

Your idea of happiness is your source of suffering. LET. GO.

Thanks to new media I get to see all the cute dates my ex boyfriend goes on with his new girlfriend who is my little sister's age.

Unfollow.

It's not the new girlfriend or the fact that she's my sister's age, it's the cute dates.  I was forced to inhale second hand smoke and watch shitty bands for almost six years.  Understanding the importance of freedom and the hazards of love blinders.  Maybe I will be single forever, but at least I will be free.  I'll never compromise so much of who I am and what I need for another person again.

The Theme to Rocky ...

I need to learn how to treat people who entrust their emotions with me.

In short, "how not to be a shit head."

Also, I need to sleep more in general.

::The Professional::

Avoiding lips on the dance floor .  And it's hard not to come home and listen to Flatlands on repeat.

Nude as the News

Where can I do this?

Next Stop

All these songs and all those moments and all that sunshine and all those chocolate covered raisins.

Our Wild Ways

Feeling myself being drawn more and more to the West Coast.  Maybe the feeling will dissipate after the great thaw, but I'm not too sure.  Do what makes you terrified, or something.

Live it out Loud

Many years ago I told someone that my dream was to travel.  That is what I wanted out of life, to experience new places and new things on my own terms.  Walking to the store today I realized that I made my dreams come true.


Dope.

Doing it.

Some things are worth it...

Contorting yourself in the shower to shave your legs after five months, because you're going to another country to see the person who was the catalyst to ending your unhealthy long term relationship.  

Good Ass Intro

Wondering what six months from now will feel like, but like ok get in dat present moment. 

Saudade

In that precise moment, I knew what we were and what we weren't.

So it begins ...

Three of my close friends engaged over the holidays, and my first friend pregnant.

Am I making myself clear?

They study poetry, but do not think poetically.  They do not know how to think like a reader when reading, nor how to think like a writer while writing, nor how to think like a listener while listening.  Consequently they are poor readers, writers, and listeners.  They certainly aren't poets.

- Some website on critical thinking.