Noms

Learning to cook well is fun.  Cooking for friends and family is the best!  Happy belly, happy hearts.

Winter Wunderland

It's actually been fun getting into the spirit this year.  Christmas trains, cookie parties, old records, and snow for days.  I think this really might be the best winter ever.

PMA.

Goodbad Badgood

Today I did a lot of things I was putting off for a great long time.
It felt goodbad.  I also rode my bike in 13 degree weather!  Damn, I'm awesome.

Can't wait for warm days though.  Mmmm I can taste it.

A Good - Talking Candle

"Karma Repair Kit: Items 1-4"
1. Get enough food to eat,
    and eat it. 

2. Find a place to sleep where it is quiet,
    and sleep there. 

3. Reduce intellectual activity and emotional noise
    until you arrive at the silence of yourself,
    and listen to it. 

4.




- Richard Brautigan San Francisco: The Communication Company, April 1967.

Feels

Animal Collective, Brautigan, and a cold afternoon.  My brain is starting to get ahead of itself.

Stories of bliss

If I wait until I'm ready, I might be waiting my whole life.

Night Vibes

In need of adventure.  Why you gotta be so cold Chicago?

I USED TO BE AFRAID OF EVERYTHING

“I think that we are like stars. Something happens to burst us open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we ever were before.” ― C. JoyBell C.

Yea, I'm an optimist, but really, I'm pretty stoked about being unemployed.

All of a sudden about twenty doors seemed to open up in front of me.  Maybe, I'm good at making the best of situations, and maybe things happen exactly as they are supposed to happen.  I am forced to take my nursing career serious.  I am forced to look at how working in an office for a for profit corporation changed me in very subtle ways.  I am at a prime place in my life for something like this to occur monetarily,  spiritually, physically (these wool socks are toasty).  I HAVE TIME.

I think I'm the happiest I've been in a good while.

My life is infused with just the right amount of misfortune, and sometimes that misfortune is just the kick in the ass that I need to jostle me into the present tense.

Love Songs for the Apocalypse

Trying not to retreat into nostalgia.  So thankful for bike friends and bikes and bikes and bikes.  And friends who don't ride bikes.  And books and words, and the crisp sting of cold air.

Remembering things that I want to do to make me feel strong.  Not feeling weird about doing them.  Finding the time and energy.  Because I'm a bear and this is winter and I've got a cold cold heart.

First Hand Fun

Sometimes when I have a really great weekend I get sad that it didn't include him.   That's silly.  The best weekends never did.  Ok, not entirely true, but mostly, yes.  Making big strides. Having good times.

Hey boy, I'll manage your work flow ...

I'm freakishly good at my job.

Get me out of this office.

And then some ...

I miss his tattoos.

Family

Tonight someone teased me about not loving my family because I can't remember the last time I visited "home."

It got me thinking.  The reason I create distance is so I can love love better.  Sometimes love takes time and space.  Sometimes, I create too much distance.  Probably a lot of the time.  I should work on this.

Impulse Control

I'm getting this sneaking feeling that I need to grow up a little.

This Weekend

I needed today to recover.

"Best Labor Day Ever"

It was great because we all believed it.


So. Exhausted.

Forgetting is so Long

Pablo Neruda always wrote in green ink as it was his personal color of hope.

--

I got really frustrated because I couldn't get the orange bottle cap to stand upright.  It just kept falling over, which made me more determined.  And VT gave me all these grown up pearls of knowledge.  After my freak-out the other day I put all these in my pocket to be taken out again at a later time.  "I'll stop with the old-manisms," he got self-conscious.  I wish I could have articulated how important these words were for me to hear.

23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert

"Ever feel like an outsider in the middle of social gatherings and group activities, even with people you know?"

Don't I know it.

Trying to fight the funk really hard.  Hasn't reared it's head for a while now, but gee almighty ... I should probably be riding my bike a lot more.

Slow Burn

My best friend in the whole wide world just moved practically a light year away.  I don't think it's quite set in how crummy this is going to feel.  In response, I decided to make this the best winter of all time, which is a huge change from OHGODHOWWILLIMAKEITTHOURGHANOTHERWINTER.

So we will see how it goes.

I'm no fucking Buddhist

You can't say no to happiness.

The Dog Had One Blue Eye

I'm getting older.


EDIT:
This is a draft blog entry from April 18, 2010.  I wonder what I was thinking about almost four years ago?

I am the river, not the dam.

Everything is such a flurry here these days.  The time has flown so quickly I didn't take time to really consider what my life will be like with three of my besties disappearing from my daily life.  Work change, life change, social change. It's all a little overwhelming.  Good, I believe.  I'm allowing myself to flow freely with the rivers of change, for once, instead of incessant resistance.

Cautiously optimistic.

Will get back to reality shortly ...

I need to get on a normal sleep schedule.  Ha ha.  Graduated life is too good.

So this happened.

"To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth...is potentially to have everything."

                                                                                           - Joan Didion

Breath

I can finally take a few.

It's always unexpected...

...and it usually takes my breath away for a moment.

That Electric Motion

I said sayonara sucka!  Another check off the list, and I'm just beside myself with relief.

Cause = Time

When I got home my roommate was on the couch passed out watching a silent movie.  Soft piano plinked in the background.  I was left alone to ponder the facts. There was something lacking and so it would always be.  I wanted so badly to just sit next to him on a couch.  Wrap around him in sleep.  Bridge the lonely gap that had sprung up between us.  There was nothing to be done.  So I went into my room and collapsed into a pile of tears thinking that if we were seasons he was winter and I was spring.

Guilty as Charged

Really interesting article about texting nuances.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/03/dragging-it-out/309220/

At one point in my life I was the person who hated texting.  Now, I'm an expert.  Scratch that, if I had a dollar for every time I texted the wrong person or thigh dialed someone, well I would have many dollars!  Texting is still largely a pain in the ass, but the ethnography surrounding the language is interesting.  In a short decade an entire culture has adapted to most of the rules and mores of a vile cross between the written word and an "unspoken" language.  Can't live with it, and well can't really live with out it.  Mainly, because I would not want to spend as much time on the phone as I do texting.

My current text "isms"

Oh noesss.
Shyeah.
Yesssssss!
Thaaaaanks dude!
No probs.
Also, the whole question behind, how quickly one should or should not respond to a given text.

Is there an age limit on this kind of admittedly obnoxious communication??

Crank Power

The other day my pedal came off my bike while I was riding home from work.  No harm, except a half mile walk of shame.  The thing is, I'm too busy to get into the shop and get some new pedals.  I feel naked without my bike.  I don't want to go anywhere.  How did I get around before my bike became an intricate part of who I am?  Not that I really have time to ride this week, but still.

STILL,  I miss riding, if only to work. 3.5 weeks.  I gotta keep that in my head, then I can ride all I want.

This Week

This song and baja blast slushies are the only good thing going for me this week.



Woof.

Pizza Date Gone Horribly Awry

Last night I went out on a date.
I KNOW.  WEIRD.
It was going awesome.  Like, he wasn't being creepy and I wasn't drinking too much, and we lost track of the hours we were laughing so hard.  Then (there is always a then, right, ha ha) an old friend sat down to chat and catch up, which was awesome, that is, until he started talking about me and my ex boyfriend.  "Hey, how's S?  You still talk to him right?  You guys are still friends, still hang out?  No bad blood.  I mean I love you both.  I don't see him so much, but you know it would have been hard to chose.  It's too bad, y'know.  Great couple."  Then he preceded to tell my date how we met and how he gave me a hard time about hanging out with those "bums."

Wut?  No.

I'M GOING TO BE SINGLE FOREVER!

3 ex boyfriends within a 5 mile radius.  Is this a cosmic sign that I should move to another state?  Or am I just an ex boyfriend magnet?  Ya'll can't escape me.

Messylife. Sigh.

Walking the Cow

On Sunday I went to a book swap.  This gal started talking to me about life, and quickly the conversation became heavy heavy.  She convinced me to take a cheesy pastel book titled, "Always Believe in Yourself and Your Dreams."  I flipped it open today to avoid studying and a four leaf clover was pressed into the pages. 

The book's cheese lived up to its pastel binding and I accidentally broke one of the leaves off the clover, but goddamn it if it didn't mean something.

blw messaged me today out of the blue.  We hadn't spoken since I got his package in the mail. He has this way of challenging me and pushing me to dream big from the thousands of miles away.

I've been struggling a lot with personal fears and limitations lately.  I recently realized the extent of the limits I impose upon myself in my goals and relationships, are basically due to a fundamentally low self-worth.  It's a really weird thing to identify in yourself.  I've always thought I've had a pretty decent self-esteem.  But I never really believed the things I told myself. 

Things are pretty crazy in my life right now.  A lot of change is on the horizon, and I want to be able to fully embrace it all without being dragged down by an idea of who the last unicorn should be.

When I got my tattoo on my arm, all of a sudden I didn't mind showing off my disproportionately big arms that had kept me in cardigans for the past five years.  My arms became beautiful.  But really they were the same genetic wings as before, the only difference was my perception.  

Most things are a matter of perception.

GMRV!

OMG, I'm so excited for cross season.

Biting the Proverbial Bullet

I must be more aggressive about getting what I want and more brave about getting what I need.  Even if that changes daily.  The Last Unicorn needs to stop apologizing for breathing.

To err is human.  To fuck up is fiiine.

X-Factor

My brain was transported back to middle school this weekend.

I was the best version of myself, but I lacked the fear of the unknown that dominated the psyche of 14 year old lastunicorn.  My voice is hoarse from yelling for mercy from the twists and turns of unforgiving roller coasters and screaming punk rock songs from the tops of my lungs. 

I blushed.  I laughed.  I rasped.  I had a good weekend.  The magic of the night enchanted me.  It was enough.  I didn't want any more or less than what was around me.

I hope these good feelings can carry me through the next 8 weeks so I don't go bat shit insane.

Holy Shit I'm Exhausted

The other day my clinical instructor/ad hoc teacher gave us all a speech wherein he choked up with tears.  The man that gave us so much shit for everything.  The man who drinks tequila and eats nails for dinner got teary eyed .... over us?

He said that we were the best bunch he's seen and that what we do affects people's lives in ways they don't even understand.  He said, we have the power to subtly change the world.

His speech was so unexpected and inspiring.  I'm not exactly sure what path nursing has in store for me, but damnit if I'm not excited.  This rotation saw me peering into the face of death and pulling pacer wires out of people's chests.  It all sounds so cheesy but I found myself glad to peel myself out of bed and meet the sunrise every morning.

Surprising the Unicorn

Every once in a while something you do or say makes you realize that you're not really the person you were before.  I don't know if that's maturity or growth or just the natural changes that one can expect to move through.  Being self-aware is a double edged sword, but I think I might be a better lady for it.

Lost in Space

Today my ex boyfriend told me he hopes I get really fat so no boys would like me.  Relationships are weird.

Last Year

I have some goals for year 29.  Some parameters that I should adhere to.  Mostly I'll just try to fight the good fight and keep looking forward.  I'm excited about things to come.

Guh.

Cars.  So expensive.  So inconvenient.

Getting lost.

I helped my roommate listen to her heartbeat for the first time ever today.  It was really cool to see her eyes light up like a little kid when she found the point of maximal impulse.  Despite all the stress, and the constant self doubt, I really love what I do.  Now if I can just get all the other stuff figured out I might just be all right.

Sometimes I get things done.

Before

After 

I bought an industrial stapler and cleaned out my trunk.  So productive.  Why can't I be like this all the time?

Spring break is over.  Time to get serious.  I had a phenomenal two weeks.  I'm going to try and not complain for the next 8 weeks.  I'm going to think bigger and try and stay out of my brain.

Reconstruction Site

I really have to stop doubting myself.

Pi Day

Thursdays are still ruling pretty hard.

Sigh

I'm so relieved to be taking a break from school.  So far so awesome.  I thought I was going to have a scholarly meltdown for a minute.  I can't believe I only have two more 8 weeks courses.  Damn.

As the night wore on

we just laughed about it.

Yea Baby!

Fuck yea! A's on my presentation and my med test.  Just gotta tackle dat final.  Snow's melting too!



Good mood today!

Snowed in and studying again.  One more week of class and then spring break.  Glorious sweet spring break.  Hopefully all this snow melts and I can spend some time tooling around on my bicicleta and reading some books that don't involve blood and guts.

Also, Leonard Baskin = my kind of artist.  I love discovering new things when I'm avoiding studying.

My roommate said that I could practice venipuncture on him, and he meant it.  Sometimes I forget that I have the best friends/roommates of all time.  I want to be a better person for the people in my life.  God damn this snow is making my brain mushy.  Woof.

No Snow

NO.

Don't Make me Say It

Spent the day nursing a hang-over, snowed in, doing homework and thinking too much.  I probably shouldn't have listened to so much Cat Power.



Trying to be all strong and stoic and shit.

I'd like to thank the academy ...

I am a sucker for the Oscars.  I like the idea of being a part of something much bigger than myself.  I absolutely love when the underdog wins.

I need to get inspired.

Not Quite Winter Blues

I've given up on winter officially.  I didn't destroy myself with complaining, I wasn't a hermit, and I didn't let my brain implode, but I think I've had enough.  We can all use some sunshine to temper our cold hearts.  Life is a little too serious on chilly days.

I'm Just so in Love with Life

Camus talks about the world being absurd and pointless but we owe it to ourselves to rebel against the absurdity to make our one existence worth it.  (And maybe have a little fun in the process)

Wind Advisory

Guhhhh, I wanna ride my bike in Puerto Rico soooo bad.  Also, sunshine.

JP

Making poor decisions since 1984.

Buen Provecho

I don't cook often, but when I do, I like to listen to Yawning Man while I do it.  Happy Friday ya'll.

L&D

She said I would cry, but I didn't believe her.  As the head slipped out of the passageway a wave of emotion came over me, also onto my shoes and scrubs.  She gripped my hand and we made eye contact.  "Yo.  It's a girl."  The next five minutes were a blur.  Blood poured from her as the doctor began his work.  My arms became heavy with soiled linens.  "Put those down!  Come and feel the cord pulsing."

So I did.  Wiping tears from the tip of my nose without getting blood or bodily fluids on my face is a skill they didn't teach us in school.  The peds doctor came in and saw me looking dumbfounded, "I know right?  It never gets old."  Even though I watched the entire process, as I placed lil L on the warmer I couldn't comprehend how she just came from inside that.  After assessing the new human I placed her back on her mom's chest while the doctor removed any remaining placental fragments or clots, "Damn, I'm in love." Cue tears.

When I get salty about having to get up early or not getting to go out and get wild, I'll think of this moment.  I will think of the privilege I have to experience such awesome feats of nature.  I'll think of A  falling in love with the newest member of her family.  This frustration at missing out on everything is temporary, but these images and experiences will stay with me forever.

Brr

It is fucking cold here.  I want to go back to cali.  It was so warm.  I'm still going to try and ride my bike today, though I'll probably regret it.

(that's me looking warm and content in San Fran)

Anniversarily

You love whether or not you like it, to love is to run the risk of failure, the risk of betrayal, and the risk of utter uncomfortable vulnerability.  But love awakens the divine presence in all of us.  It rips us out of our comfort zone and leaves us stripped.  It's like a superpower, left in the wrong hands, it could be bad news.  But you know, it's always worth it.

- a smart ass

Later Illinois!!

Eye Want You On My Side

Getting Paid

Oh man, got a cool job interview on Friday.  So nervous.  So excited.

Reveal the Path

I watched the cheesiest cycling movie last night and cried.  Ha ha.  WHO AM I?

I'm there.  For the first time in my life I have less words and more to do.

"If we open ourselves up to the path we can experience so many more things.  Sometimes we are overtaken in our lives with the target ... Let's just be in this moment, let's just experience each other and you know, grow from that. "
                                                           - Some old Scottish guy with a cycling cap on

Year in Review

2012 was a bumpy rocky stretch of time peppered with tiny but mighty rays of light throughout.  I lost a lot this year, but, at the risk of sounding cheezmo, I gained so much.  As my most important relationship to date came to a close I chose to explore my self in ways I never really could before.  Sometimes I wasn't very happy with those explorations, but they all led me to somewhere new.  I learned a lot about sucking it up and just doing it (whatever IT is) this year.

I met some people who really inspired me to change my life and who changed my life by just allowing me into their world.  I took trips! I made tough decisions!  I was present when I didn't really want to be.  I said no, which for me is one of the hardest things to do.  I also, said yes, which is only slightly easier (haha).  I hope to keep up my spirit for adventure.

I'm not under the impression that 2013 will be easy, but as a result of the rigors of 2012, I believe I'm better equipped to handle whatever is thrown my way.  I'm poised for more change and discovery.  I don't think I'd change much about 2012, except for all the people that left me too soon.  Well, maybe my car hood flying off and depleting my savings, but there are lessons in that too, ha ha. I feel like a new woman.

I would like to give cycling and the great people and challenges that go with it an honorable mention.  I'm not so sure I would have come through the tail end of this tough year nearly as content without my bike. Cycling is a deep well I am only beginning to dip into.  As a thanks my top new years resolution is to ride every single day in 2013.  My other resolutions?

1) Prioritize.  I have always sucked at this.
2) Make more, consume less.
3) Give yourself the credit you deserve.
4) Do things with more intention. (this one is so vague but it means a lot to me)
5) FINISH NURSING SCHOOL!