Wednesday, February 07, 2007


I don't know if it's the weather or the time of the year or me, but I feel discontent. It's most likely the combination of all three. This is what I want to do:
  1. Wake up
  2. grab flip flops
  3. my new(old) dress (got it in st. louis @ The Future Antiques and it is a gem)
  4. make a picnic
  5. make a play-list
  6. and play outside in the sun and green all day with the people that mean things to me. (NOT worrying about work or papers or static feelings)
I can't take this snow and cold. It's making me feel like a little nothing. I can't stay stuck indoors.

Can't Can't Can't

Instead of un-inspired I feel angry. Anxious. Over-protective of me. All of a sudden I wake up and feel like whatever I'm doing with whoever I'm doing it with is wrong. I woke up like this today, and instead of making me feel good or doing academic work I furrowed my brow and searched desperately till I found my comfort underwear.

*Too big day of the week pantaloons. A near relic from a middle school that barely existed. "Two Step Tuesday" on an uncomfortable wednesday. Instead of writing a paper I furiously cleaned my kitchen: counters, dishes, microwave, and trash. To be honest the two-step tuesday didn't comfort me much. Mostly, because the windows in my kitchen blinded me with too bright snow that yelled at me and told me that it didn't plan on melting for some time. Well the fucking ground hog called for an early spring.

and remember how healthy I look when it's warm and sunny? Neither do I.
Conscious and loathing of this feeling I can't seem to shake it in a few minutes.

I want to be back in my middle school skivvies, in my middle school years, with my middle school ideals, talking with my middle school best friend. Current best friend, but back then music and art and life was one big blur and we could dance in the living room and it didn't make us hipsters or time wasters or lazy hacks. Our ideas were so big they filled up the room, and if it wasn't warm we'd pretend hard enough that when we woke up our faces were sun-burned and a colony of freckles had taken up residence on our noses.

Somehow these things that people do to avoid feeling grown up make them seem even more grown up to me. And sometimes I just want to slink away from it. But to where, a time and place that only exists in my wrinkly brain? I miss my girls, and it's a shame that we're all spread out like missionaries. And see I'm sorry that I can't spread my good word this day.

Okay. Let's think positive. Let's think warm. Let's not let me destroy the good things I have because no matter what I say it's no routine and it's not yet wrong.

I'm like a plant. If I don't get sun-shine and sufficient amounts of water, I'll just shrivel up and die. And by shrivel up and die I mean hole myself up in my room and not talk to anyone. I'm even tempted to seek out Crazy MD, the one person who can exactly and recklessly understand this supreme feeling of anxious restlessness. But I won't. For the sake of you and I. I won't. But my skin is becoming translucent and I just hope I don't disappear.

This too shall pass ...

I just told the biggest lie.

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